WILLIAMSBURG, NY—Rabbi Zev Cohen announced on Monday that the Kid-Oriented Semetic Heritage Expression Registry (KOSHER) has officially created a child-friendly mascot commemorating the holiday of Passover, Schleppy the Passover Lamb. “We noticed the success of the Easter Bunny,” explained Cohen, “and thought it would be smart to create a mascot to emulate its success.” Cohen’s bubbe then interrupted the press conference by asking the rabbi if he wanted more lox, causing a 5-minute interruption.

The contest to design the mascot received over 1000 submissions, including Harry the Hard Boiled Egg, Gil the Gefilte Fish, and Peter the Parsley-dipped-in-saltwater. Jacob Rubenstein of Teaneck, NJ submitted the winning design. When asked why he thinks he won, Rubenstein answered, “I know a guy.”

Schleppy plush dolls have hit the market en masse. Each doll can utter several phrases, including “Have a happy Passover”, “I found the Afikomen”, and “What’s the deal with airplane food, anyways?” Approximately 100,000 Schleppy dolls were sold in the first day alone, with only 45,000 returned for store credit.

KOSHER has also expressed interest in holding a new “Sunday Shabbat” before the beginning of the holiday and organizing a matzah ball hunt at the local JCC.

Unfortunately, Schleppy’s future is in doubt after two KOSHER members were named in the recent Passover scandal, Yeastgate.

EVANSTON—In what marks the end of a long and prosperous era, Willie the Wildcat was put down this weekend after being diagnosed with the H1N1 virus.

Morton Schapiro, the new President of Northwestern University, presided over the funeral. He commented on the ordeal, saying, “It was tough for all of us. At first, he wouldn’t even come outside, but then we stood a cardboard cutout of a human next to the entrance of the WildCave and told Willie the young fan wanted a high five. Naturally, he rushed outside to greet his new friend. It was then that the thunderous sound of gunshots echoed through the chilled Evanston air. In the end, I think we’re all just very relieved to have kept this terrible disease contained for now.”

Shock and disbelief still reign on campus. Said freshman Alex Landsman when asked for his thoughts, “Death?! I didn’t hear that. I was just told he was working at a special circus up north with other mascots preparing a big show! No… Willie can’t be dead!”

In Willie’s honor, the first 300 fans at the next home football game will receive a free Chipotle burrito. The President’s office has yet to comment on a replacement mascot, but some sources say a one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater could fill Willie’s post as an interim mascot.