EVANSTON — With annual winter job and internship fairs approaching, many Northwestern students are crossing their fingers in hopes that their “social media skills” will be as highly sought-after as that one article they read on Forbes a month ago reported was a possibility.

“I’m a social media expert,” said Weinberg junior Justin Thomas. “I am proficient in Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Tumblr, and now SnapChat.”

According to a recent career services survey, over the past year many formerly undecided undergrads have made a switch to study “probably marketing or PR or communications.”

“We’re proud to be fostering an environment that prepares students for an online world,” said Beverly Smith, an elderly career counselor, who like many adults still asks her children how to update her status on Facebook and has little grasp of the realities of the Internet or e-business.

LinkedIn has also reported unprecedented increases in the number of its college-age users who have “social media,” “social media marketing,” “social networking,” “social marketing,” or just “social” Skills. This rise is directly correlated to the growing number of Integrated Marketing Communications (IMC) guest lecturers that have visited Northwestern to speak about something with “digital” in the title.

“Look—I know how to use HootSuite,” Thomas said as navigated to the little icon on his iPhone 5, proving he had downloaded the application. “I also know how to make memes. And I’ve heard of Google Analytics.”

“Twitter is an incredibly powerful tool for marketers, because it allows them to establish a brand connection to a global audience on a global scale in the digital space in real time,” Weinberg sophomore Lindsay Gold explained while glancing down at a TechCrunch article on her Droid. Behind her, six Medill professors nodded furiously in agreement.

“So powerful,” they all said in unison.

Gold said she is applying to literally every company she finds on CareerCat that is looking for a “social media” or “social media marketing” intern, regardless of industry, reputation, or location.

“I have lots of good Facebook marketing ideas,” Gold said. “Like an iPad giveaway. Or a competition for getting the most Likes. Or an iPad Mini giveaway.”

EVANSTON – A team of students from Northwestern’s Medill School of Journalism released a report Tuesday revealing a widespread conspiracy by the University of Chicago to suck the fun out of Evanston.

According to the report, numerous members of the Evanston City Council had close ties to UChicago, whose students often jokingly refer to their alma mater as “where fun goes to die.” The administrators apparently received substantial campaign contributions from members of the university’s administration. In turn, the UChicago administration was able to lobby for — and in some cases even draft — legislation which would slowly leech all of the fun out of living in the Evanston area.

“It’s really not that surprising,” explained Medill senior Josh Thompson, who headed the report. “When you look at some of the laws in Evanston – bans on skipping and bowling, restrictions on Trick-or-Treating, the Brothel Law, et cetera – you realize that such ludicrous attacks on fun could have only been proposed by Evanston-hating enemies of fun. Obviously we suspected UChicago from early on. Following the paper trail simply confirmed our suspicions.”

Thompson, however, was unable to discover the reason for the conspiracy. “We’re unsure of the exact motive,” he said. “It could definitely be envy for Northwestern, but it’s equally likely that this was just the first step in a bigger plot to rid the whole world of fun.”

The report also detailed UChicago’s plans for future Evanston legislation, including a stricter version of the Brothel Law and bans on bubble gum, audible music, and the laughter of children. Most shockingly, a plan to effectively enforce the legal drinking age of 21 was uncovered.

University of Chicago president Robert Zimmer lamented: “And we would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for those Medilling kids.”

EVANSTON – McCormick Freshman Casey Chad said Monday that she still believes that she will spend a significant amount of time in downtown Chicago at some point this year.

“During fall quarter I just had to get acquainted with Northwestern and make friends who will come to the city with me,” Chad explained.  “Next quarter I’m going to go to the city for sure!  Well, maybe not winter quarter, actually, because it’ll be cold.  It gets really cold in Chicago, right?  But after that for sure.”

Chad said that by the end of freshman year she hopes to eat dinner in Chicago at least once a month, go to four concerts, a play, three museums, explore Boystown, get her nose pierced and sneak onto the roof of a skyscraper at midnight.

“I’ve had a lot of work in my engineering classes, but I think I can learn to manage them enough to make some trips down to the city.  I mean, I have to go; I wrote about how awesome it would be to be so close to Chicago in my admissions essay!”

As of yesterday Chad was heard saying that she was still under the impression that the L ride down to the Loop would take “30 minutes, tops.”

In related news, Medill sophomore Brad Jansen said Tuesday that he, too, swears he’ll get around to going to Chicago to have some fun sometime in the next two and a half years.

NEW YORK—Last week Forbes magazine published its annual list of best colleges in the United States, naming Northwestern University as the best in the Midwest. To the confusion of campus officials, however, Northwestern’s Qatar branch fell short of the University’s overall ranking, reaching only second place in the Middle Eastern nation.  The international campus, home to journalism and communication programs, fell just below the Doha Academy of Advanced Explosive Weaponry (DAAEW).  Editors at the magazine cited prospects for future graduates as the primary reason.

“Forbes is first and foremost a financial publication,” explains Michael Lowe, chief editor of the magazine, “In our rankings, the most important factors are projected future earnings and employment rates of graduates.  The NU Qatar campus exhibited poor statistics in both.”

Indeed, statistics do not lie.  At first glance, a 90% graduate-employment rate from the satellite campus seems impressive; however, of those jobs, 60% required employees to be proficient in ass-wiping, while the only requirement for 23% of the jobs is to “knowing how to make a good cup of Joe.”  In contrast, DAAEW boasts a 100% graduate-employment rate and lands alumni in positions that offer immediate real-world experience at high salaries.

“According to Gallup, people hate America more every day,” an DAAEW spokesperson cited, “and that hatred, combined with constant openings in the field of suicidal bombing, creates a booming business that allows a top-notch weapons academy to attract the best candidates around the world.”

Bob Jones, student currently enrolled in DAAEW, tells his story.  “I graduated from the Medill school of journalism and spent a year in Qatar.  But after graduation, the only place that offered me a job was Fox News.  I didn’t want to be stereotyped as that type of person, so I made a personal choice to enroll in DAAEW.  It was the best decision of my life.”

EVANSTON—A group of Northwestern students spent their spring break learning the ins and outs of community service on Alternative Student Breaks’ first sexual tourism trip. Students who signed up for the excursion had the opportunity to perform service at all 13 of ASB’s existing sites, in such exotic locales as Missouri and Kansas.

“We wanted to be able to service as many communities as possible, so we decided to visit two sites a day. It was rigorous, but being able to interact with that many communities was definitely worth the strain,” says McCormick sophomore Charlie Jenkins.

Some of the communities that participating students serviced were the Cherokee Nation in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, the Philadelphia Veterans Multi-Service & Education Center, and a Colorado wolf sanctuary. But for Weinberg freshman Steve Johnson, the most meaningful experience was at the Wichita Children’s Home.
“It was really the children who needed my service more than anyone. Some of these children had never been serviced before, whereas most adults we met on the trip had been receiving service on a regular basis for years,” he said.

In addition to stimulating the residents, students also stimulated the local economies through their spending at fast food establishments and local pharmacies.

“I feel like we really made a difference in the lives of the needy, without having to do all that boring stuff like building affordable housing. ASB instilled in me a lifelong commitment to servicing communities across the United States,” says Medill senior Brian Hunt.

The new trip broke ASB records for enrollment, with 69 students participating in the expedition. NU President Morton Schapiro declined to comment on this momentous achievement.

EVANSTON—After thorough fact-checking, Medill professors and administrators unanimously awarded The Flipside an “F” for its inordinate amount of factual errors.

“The content was exceptional, but there is no such person at Northwestern as ‘Weinberg freshman Joe Krawson,’” said a concerned Medill professor, after reading an article which he thought would profile a very successful student.

In a further, shocking investigation, it was uncovered that The Flipside has never quoted a real person. Every single quote is false.

The publication’s president is known to have told staff writers not to spend more than two minutes researching for an article, leading to many more errors other than spelling of names.

These errors cause readers to be misinformed, and sound either stupid, or hilarious in social situations.

“I was confused, because the party report on NUIntel didn’t say anything about poachers at ZooBT; maybe I left too early,” said sorority girl Alice Miller.

A Medill F is the most shameful designation a journalist can receive, so faculty thought that this mark on The Flipside’s reputation would change how they produce news. The publication, however, continues to put forth slanderous, outrageous, and completely false material.

The Flpiside, however, denies the allegations.

“If Dean Lavine can make up quotes, then why can’t we? I thought that was the standard now at Medill,” said Flipside PR rep Jenny Schmidt.

Northwestern University supposedly has one of the most prestigious journalism schools in the nation, so the administration found it quite appalling when discovering that a publication with so many errors could be printed. However, after pondering the fact that the campus also produces The Daily Northwestern, they dropped all charges.

The following article was not satire. It was completely factual. April Fool’s.

EVANSTON—With newspapers more commonly used nowadays to cover up Keg-induced vomit or Stephen Demos’ tears, the Medill School of Journalism announced yesterday that it plans to alter its curriculum to keep pace with the modern world.

Medill 2030 gets rid of the old stuff nobody cares about (like writing and reporting), replacing its previous curricula with accounting, biochemical engineering and law—professions that actually have jobs available.

“We call it New Journalism,” explained Medill Dean Levine. “The emphasis tends to be more on the ‘New’ than the ‘Journalism’.”

Non-Medill Northwestern students and faculty are also excited about the shift. The ratio of eight students to every one journalist will disappear, allowing people to walk to class without getting cornered for questions. Medill 2030 is also working on eliminating the presence of guilt-trippers handing out fliers.

Levine hopes Medill students are going to become with productive members of society that can potentially support a family of four, like janitors, mechanics, and benches.

Still, some remain in opposition to the change, maintaining that journalism remains a noble and viable profession. “If you go to Medill, you’re going to make it in the journalism world,” said Noam Kupfer, who became a professor after losing his job at the Tribune.

“Just kidding,” he added.

By The Lakefill Monster

Ok, so let me get this straight. There’s a luscious pool of what is clearly imported glacier water from Switzerland in the middle of campus and you’re not gonna take a dip because the school says you shouldn’t? You’re killing me. Get your youthful sense of adventure together and just seize the day! Worst case scenario – you’ll get high on life. I never let a bunch of puritans in suits push me around, and you know what it earned me? A sweet-ass trident.

Whenever I see a morsel, er, Medill co-ed walking on shore secretly yearning to feel alive, I hate The Man just as much as the next historically non-carnivorous sea creature. The water is so inviting, yet so forbidden. You wouldn’t dangle ice cream in front of a toddler, would you? This is the exact same thing, man. The exact same, and it ain’t right.

I’ve even got everything you need. Fins and mask? Check. Snorkel? A-checkaroo. Hey, do ol’ Lakefill Monster a favor and be sure to put on the pre-swim lather. It smells curiously like soy sauce, but it’s just for tasty… I mean, safety. Just start with the feet. That’s it, they all start with their tender feet.

EVANSTON—Robert Aban, a Weinberg senior from Baragoi, Kenya, surprised absolutely no one when he emerged victorious at Dance Marathon, which, as always, was held at Northwestern University the first week in March. Aban was able to establish a solid pace and never let up from start to finish, winning his third consecutive Dance Marathon.

“It is a great honor for my country,” a barely winded Aban said after the Marathon ended, “Kenya has a great tradition of Dance Marathoners, ever since Abebe Bikila won the first ever Dance Marathon in his bare feet. I am glad that I can add my name to that tradition.”

Aban completed DM in 30 hours, tying his own personal mark of 30 hours, and also tying the world record of 30 hours. Though he was only in 3rd place after Block 5, he was able to keep up a steady pace and pass McCormick sophomore Mahmoud Tannouz of Rabat, Morocco to take the lead during Block 8. After that, Aban never looked back and pulled away from the field.

Other DM participants were not surprised with Aban’s victory. “Yep, Robert won again,” said disappointed Medill junior Sam Jenkins, “That guy has won every year I’ve been here. It must be in his genes or something. After all, the whole group of kids from Ethiopia and Kenya never stopped dancing. I looked over during Block 9, and they were still going like DM had just started. It’s insane.”

Kenya is known for its long distance runners; its dancers do not receive that much media attention. “When I was a kid,” explains Aban, “most of my friends ran to and from school. I danced. I guess I was a little different.”

Northwestern’s attention turns now to the Dance 100-Meter Dash, which will be held the first weekend of May on the lakefill. Weinberg junior George Sinclair, from Kingston, Jamaica, is the favorite to win.