WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress passed an unprecedented bill Thursday creating an investigative task force to oversee the nation’s second-largest underground industry: babysitting. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), who sponsored the bill, explained that the bill “will not only provide an additional source of revenue for our nearly-broke government, but it will also send a message to Americans: you cannot get away with tax fraud!”

The bill targets preteen and teenage babysitters, who every year collect billions of dollars of unreported income. “The government does not know how much money goes untaxed,” said Ryan. “It’s all cash transactions. For all we know, these babysitters could be illegal immigrants!”

The bill has garnered bipartisan support in both the House and Senate. Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD), House Minority Whip, explained the Democrats’ position in a prepared statement: “While we are appalled by the contents of this bill, we are so desperate for any tax increases at all that we have decided to support it. The Bush-era tax cuts continue to cripple the government; we need more tax revenue. Now.”

The bill will employ thousands of federal prosecutors who will lurk outside elementary schools and in neighborhoods with high proportions of children. These “watchdogs” will try to identify babysitters who are paid in cash and file reports to the FBI.

FBI agents will then arrest the babysitters, who will be held in prison until the income taxes they should have paid are paid (plus the standard tax evasion fines), or for a period no longer than five years.

Surprisingly, the only strong opposition to the bill comes from the Tea Party. “Gosh-darn that Sixteenth Amendment,” said potential presidential candidate Sarah Palin. “The government should be lowering taxes, not arresting babysitters! As a mother, I know just how essential these little girls and boys are to middle class America. If I couldn’t pay a fraction of minimum wage for childcare, I sure as heck couldn’t afford so many shoes!”

In addition to prosecuting babysitters for past tax fraud, the bill also includes language that will make such fraud impossible in the future. Beginning in 2012, it will be illegal to pay babysitters in cash. People employing babysitters must deduct taxes from paychecks and also prepare W-2 forms to give to the babysitters, who will then have to file income taxes each year.

“This bill represents the American way,” said Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ). “Ninety percent of preteen and teenage babysitters use their unreported income to pay for abortions, and this bill will help solve this epidemic.”

by b4113rh4113r

sWeEtIeBABI444: Hey
radsportsdude69: hi
sWeEtIeBABI444: How’s it going?
radsportsdude69: nm u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: uhhh… I’m just chillinnnnn
radsportsdude69: hoo is this?
sWeEtIeBABI444: Katie, frm Math
radsportsdude69: Oh, hey
radsportsdude69: sup?
sWeEtIeBABI444: not much. I already asked you that
radsportsdude69 : oh yeah lol
sWeEtIeBABI444: Wat u up to tonight?
radsportsdude69: nm u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: lol I’m hanging out with some friends. we jst watched the ring lol
radsportsdude69: I kno, shes so hot. I dnt kno y she is talking to me
radsportsdude69: Sorry… wrong window
radsportsdude69:lol
radsportsdude69: u there?
radsportsdude69: I g2g
sWeEtIeBABI444: O sry I was just checking my buddy profile
radsportsdude69: oh lol
radsportsdude69: I don’t have to go nemore
sWeEtIeBABI444: r u going to the dance this Fridayyyy?
radsportsdude69: idk, u?
sWeEtIeBABI444: yeah, im goin wit Jooooey
radsportsdude69: oh. cool.
sWeEtIeBABI444: well I should go lylab!!!!
radsportsdude69: love ya too!
sWeEtIeBABI444 has signed off. Please try again later.

Translator’s notes:

Katie: Hello.
Lester: Hello to you.
Katie: How are you doing?
Lester: Nothing much is occurring in my life. How about yourself?¹
Katie: [politely] I am just relaxing. Thank you.²
Lester: To whom am I speaking?
Katie: I am Katie; I am in the same mathematics class as you.
Lester: Hello. [again]
Lester: What is going on in your life?
Katie: My life is relatively uneventful at the moment, though you already inquired similarly at an earlier point in our exchange.
Lester: I realize this now. How funny.
Katie: In what activities are you indulging tonight?
Lester: Very few activities. How about you?
Katie: [a guffaw of sorts] I am enjoying the company of friends. We watched the film, The Ring. [guffaw]³
Lester4: She is quite exquisite. I have no idea why she takes any interest in me.
Lester: My apologies! I have sent a message to the wrong person.⁴
Lester: [guffaw]
Lester: Are you still there?
Lester: Well, I must leave now.
Katie: Sorry, I was editing my Buddy Profile.⁵
Lester: [guffaw] I see!
Lester: Perhaps I shall stay for a moment longer.
Katie: Will you be attending this Friday’s ball?
Lester: [No one would dare invite me]. You?
Katie: Why yes, I am. I will be escorted by [Lester’s arch enemy] Joseph.
Lester: [Fuck]
Katie: I must be leaving now. [You will never have a chance with me]⁶
Lester: I love you very much
Katie never received Lester’s final message.

¹ One might note that here we see a discrepancy between the question and his response.
² The colon-parenthesis combination signifies happiness in American teen iconography.
³ It is often thought that Lester begins masturbating here, however some evidence indicates he may have started when Katie introduced herself (for more, see Second Base at the Movies: Seventh Graders in the 2000’s by Thomas Honsbergh).
⁴ Lester intended this message to be sent to his friend Charles. Their conversation has been lost, but some evidence survives indicating that Lester and Charles discussed the how unlikely it was that Katie would talk to them and how Katie’s breasts were “frickn awesome,” but she had “an ok asss.”
⁵ Buddy Profiles allowed young teens to publicize who they were dating that week.
⁶ LYLAB was a common acronym for Love You Like A Brother, but was commonly meant as a clever way for women to dismiss any sexual interest in a male acquaintance.

[by Cla4732]

EVANSTON – In a breakup that shook Haven Middle School girls’ faith in love and sent shockwaves throughout the seventh grade class, “it” couple Brett Flores and Bianca Tobin have broken off their almost-month-long relationship, the longest Haven’s seventh grade had seen.

The breakup came after Brett IMed Bianca “Brett + Bianca = 69”, after which Bianca sent the crushing reply, “we R thru.” Sources close to the couple could confirm that while the couple had yet to reach 69 status, they had held hands with fingers laced and even grinded at a dance.

The couple’s breakup came as a surprise to friends and family of the couple alike, who wondered how a relationship between two people who had been rock-steady for so long could have ended so abruptly.

“I, like, don’t understand how they could be over; they were, like, destined to be together. If a couple as meant-to-be as them can’t stay together, how is there hope for anyone else ever?” Bianca’s friend Shannon commented.

In the aftermath of the breakup, Mike and Lindsey have become the new reigning relationship champs, clocking in at 10 days.