SOMEWHERE DEEP WITHIN THE RECESSES OF TECH — After spending all of Tuesday night in Tech Library studying for his Orgo midterm, freshman Justin Forster emerged earlier today completely unaware of who won the presidential election.

“Oh shit,” said a disheveled Forster when reached for comment. “I-I guess I was so worried about [studying] that I just completely forgot [the election] was happening. I’m not even sure how long I’ve been in there for.” Forster went on to explain that this midterm counts for a whopping 30% of his grade and his parents would really like him to go to medical school.

“I mean, this midterm could make or break my admissions to med schools in four years, and I’ll find out whether Obama or the other guy won eventually,” said Forster, scratching his long, scraggly beard with his foot-long fingernails. “I should probably go back to studying.”

Forster was last seen purchasing 20 bottles of 5-hour Energy at Norris, and reportedly asked the cashier, “Did Obama win? I’ll be shocked if he beat McCain. Also, what’s an iPad?” before returning to his study nook in Tech.

By Harry Barbash, Sophomore Economics Major

What the fuck, Professor Donaghy? Do you have any idea what happened this last weekend? You think there was time to study for a midterm about the Celts in the 11^th century? Because there sure as shit was not.

Let’s start with the obvious. Halloween is the peak time for drunken revelry. Halloween just sweetens the crowded-apartment-party pot. Hookups become even more anonymous as you grind up on whatever masked person’s behind you. Alcohol gets consumed in an even wider range of colors and shapes.

And then, AND THEN, it was motherfucking homecoming. Really, Donaghy, did you really stop to consider how a homecoming win in an already statistically improbable season for the Big Ten’s class nerds would play? Willful ignorance is the only word I could use to describe anyone who thinks someone would have been sober for more than the thirty minute stretch from bed to muddy-backyard-of-off-campus-frat-house.

So you expected us to drag our hungover asses out of bed Sunday, do the walk of shame back to our dorms (made even more shameful by our costumes), get our materials, go to the library and study?

I call bullshit. You knew we wouldn’t.

Bastard.

By Reality

Hey there! You remember me, right? I’m everyone’s favorite killjoy; the name’s Reality. I’m afraid I’m going to be out of town for the next few weeks, but don’t worry, we’re gonna get acquainted real soon. I can’t wait to chat with you about overbearing midterms, the disappointing social scene, and your crushing feelings of wasted potential. I’ll even try not to laugh.

Don’t worry, though, today I’m just here to have a chat with a few of you: those who spent the last four years eagerly anticipating college as “freedom from the misery” of high school, and those hoping to re-enact the plots of shitty teen comedies. 12th Grade pretty much ended in March, so you’ve had six full months to whittle the hours away by fantasizing about how, come September, you’ll be up to your neck in parties, hook-ups, and recognition for all of your hard work and talents. You fucking idiots.

Despite what some of you seem to think, I never made you any promises, and certainly don’t owe you anything. So quit all this romantic idealism shit. It sickens me.

Those of you who dreamed of college as a haven for intellectuals; what the fuck were you thinking? Your classmates matured just as little as you did over the past few years, only now there’s no parental oversight to keep their worst traits in check. And you would-be partiers, Goddammit, just take a look at yourselves. You’re letting your parents spend a fortune for you to get a 2.5 GPA. In History. Good luck with that.

That’s it for today. Don’t find my rant relatable? Congratulations, you might actually look back on college fondly. But I’m still going to make you my bitch. So have fun at Wildcat Welcome; I’ll bug you later. We’ve got all the time in the world.

EVANSTON – The Group for Training Freshmen in Observance, or GTFO, released a statement Monday demanding that all freshmen be forced to take a midterm exam grading them on their life skills.

This exam will test students in 3 major categories of living, including not annoying the shit out of people, not looking like a dumbass, and personal hygiene.

Questions under the first category will cover topics such as having a public break-up in the 3rd floor lounge, saving seats for 14 people in Intro to Fiction, and Skyping your long-distance boyfriend of 3 months for 5 hours every night.

Sample questions from the other two categories may look like this:

If you live in a single and you leave the room, fully intending to close the door behind you, what is ONE thing you should bring?

People enjoy stepping in your nasty hairballs that are tangled up in the shower drain. T / F

This exam is meant to make freshmen realize that they are not exempt from basic rules of living that nearly everyone else acknowledges.

“We know that it can be difficult to live on your own for the first time, but really. It’s not that hard to make Easy Mac without setting off the fire alarm at 2 in the morning,” says Mary Lawrence, director of GTFO.

The exam will not be graded on a curve, due to the fact that any functioning human being should be able to score perfectly.

EVANSTON — Northwestern announced Tuesday that professors will be encouraged to administer midterms on the second day of classes starting in the year 2012. This new policy was made in response to the claim that Northwestern students have it easy with minimal midterms and do not live up to the reputation of the quarter system.

When students voiced worries about what would be on these early exams, Professor Sarah Mangelsdorf, Dean of Weinberg, answered, “Anything anyone mentioned during Wildcat Welcome Week is fair game.”

In addition, students will be expected to know information to be studied in class that has not been taught yet. “I am so sick of students immediately zoning out when I explain what will be covered in the next few classes,” Professor Dennis Snobb of the psychology department whined.

Northwestern officials are in complete agreement that this new policy can only benefit the school and its reputation. Not only will the early exams ensure that all the Essential NUs about sex and drug use will be known by heart, it will also finally put Northwestern in first place for something — the first school to have students “stress the fuck out” in the academic school year, even despite the late start date. “The knowledge on drug use will also come in handy when students are contemplating how to tackle these midterms,” said an NU healthcare official.

While some students seem indifferent to this new system, others have not taken the news so well. McCormick student John Amsmart fears that he will get his first A- on the exam: “I mean, I can regurgitate all the Essential NU material word-for-word, but what if they test me on the social stuff of welcome week? I don’t talk to people!”

To verify the claim of indolence that sparked this new policy, The Flipside interviewed students about their midterms so far. When asked how many midterms she had taken this quarter, Amy Aejun replied, “I just took my seventh one today.”

Amy will be taking her next midterm tomorrow.

EVANSTON—Hundreds of freshmen students have voiced complaints against the inadequate time professors spend on preparations for midterm examinations.  Virgins to the quarter system, their groans reached a climax on Tuesday, when French professor Jim Levenstein announced that students would begin their oral exams two weeks ahead of schedule.

“It’s not fair,” moaned freshman Nadia Horner, a student of Professor Levenstein. “just as I’m totally getting into the class and learning some new things, he tells us we have to perform our oral tomorrow in front of everyone.”

Other departments also have early examinations.  Those enrolled in Introduction to Christianity are required to present a report on European missionary positions to the department chair in two days. Students taking Genetics and Evolution must prove their knowledge of unzipping genes to a panel of elderly male teachers tomorrow.

However, many see the underlying problem not in premature examinations, but a general lack of respect for freshmen by university faculty.  This can cause inadequate preparation and poor technique instruction. “Professors just give us the shaft for the exams,” gasped Kam Sutra (WCAS 2014), “I wouldn’t mind them coming early if they touched on our needs.  They see a freshman student as merely another notch on their desks before they leave. They give the seniors all their attention.”

“Sometimes I feel like an object,” moaned Ben Dover (Medill 2014), “they just keep going and going without even looking at us, then they leave without talking to us and don’t even say good-bye.”

When asked what advice the University has for freshmen, Megan Elektra, an academic advisor, offered the following tips: “Go to office hours, where you can get one-on-one time.  Study more.  Study all night long.  Study until you scream.”

“Remember: the professor is the dominant player in the relationship.  Satisfy his or her needs, and he or she will satisfy yours.”