WASHINGTON—In a leak of a top-secret intelligence report, it has been revealed that the United States Military has invented Gaydar. The power of Gaydar, which was once restricted only to that friend who could spot a random stranger and instantly declare “gay or straight,” has now been automated and perfected.

From this report it is shown that the Gaydar works by reading sexual orientation. Inventor Brian Hughes said, “It is a sexual GPS of sorts. It can identify anybody’s location on the sexual spectrum on a scale from ‘Elton John sipping an appletini’ to ‘Rambo’ by reading their aura.”

According to defense secretary Robert Gates, “This invention is just super-fab. It takes all the guesswork out of determining whether a soldier just has a great fashion sense or if that earring on the right side is sending a more pointed message.”

Despite this glowing review, the advent of Gaydar is not heralded in all sectors. The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) has filed a complaint with President Barack Obama to address this “blatant breach of privacy.” When asked for comment, the President replied, “We are in the middle of two wars, an economic crisis, and massive health care reform. I will handle this issue when the right time comes; please wait your turn.”

The leaking of the report has upset the intelligence community. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs would like to remind the public that the official stance of the U.S. military is that “Gaydar does not exist, and whatever you do, do not ask or tell about this terrific and super-duper invention we may or may not have.”

SEOUL—A report surfaced early Friday morning that the North Korean military had successfully launched a rocket from a beach near Pyongyang. The rocket cruised 100 ft. across the beach before landing harmlessly in the breaking waves of the Pacific Ocean. “This is a great day for the North Korean military,” explained foreign official Kim-Seong Moon, “It truly establishes North Korea as one of the most potent military forces in the entire world.”

The rocket was clearly ineffective, as it fizzled over the Pacific. North Korea’s President, Kim Jong-Il, was exuberant regarding the success of the rocket, but admits it could have gone better. He hopes to give a non-Fisher-Price rocket a try in the coming months.

The rocket was North Korea’s third consecutive “successful” missile launch. One month ago, North Korean leaders experimented with the Fisher-Price “Little Einstein” rockets, tossing them around their backyard with looks of glee on their faces. Two weeks prior, North Korean army officers tested the nation’s first stomp rocket, later declaring the launch “a complete and total success, and fun too! Now the western world will truly pay.”

Western powers, specifically the United States and Great Britain, seemed not at all worried about North Korea’s capabilities. “They launched a toy rocket?” asked U.S. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, “That’s cute. I did that with my 10-year old nephew last week.” President Barack Obama was similarly nonplussed. “I think I’ll launch an ICBM at Iraq, you know, just to prove to North Korea that we can launch stuff way farther than they can. Yeah, pissing them off doesn’t seem like it would be much of a problem.”

North Korea’s short term rocket tests are far from over. Next week, they will attempt to launch a high school rocketry project high over the Yellow Sea. After that, they have big long-term plans: potentially launching a real firecracker into the night sky over Pyongyang before moving past the Fisher-Price brand.