EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – NFL Hall of Famer Joe Namath will not be entering the hypothetical Well-Run-Business Hall of Fame. Namath was sad to announce Sunday that his restaurant, Joe’s Bar and Grill, will be shutting its doors permanently at the end of the month. Namath attributed this decision to the fact that he “was losing money faster than [he] can throw a football. Customers would walk in, flash a coupon, and walk out with a wad of cash.”

Namath produced one of these coupons, which are littered around the store. “We’re giving 110%! 110% off everything!”

Namath, quarterback for the New York Jets from 1965-1976, turned to the food industry as a hobby following his retirement. He explained his restaurant philosophy: “I wanted to translate my outlook on sports onto my outlook of running a business. In a game, I would always give 110%, nothing less. To attract customers, I’m giving them the same 110%.”

Namath said he regrets translating his 110% vision into this permanent sale rather than into some other aspect of the restaurant, like portion sizes, food quality, or the amount of alcohol in a shot of his personal whiskey.

The grounds of Joe’s Bar and Grill have already been purchased. Jimmy Sexton, agent for many high-profile athletes, released a statement Tuesday that one of his clients will be operating a new restaurant called Tim Tebow’s Terrific Turkey Toasties.

EVANSTON – Northwestern students are eagerly anticipating the annual Money, Food and Clothes Weekend, which will take place this year from November 11-13.

The money, food and clothes will be flying and driving from all around the country, some even traveling overseas to reach campus.  The money, food and clothes will accompany students to this weekend’s home football game against Rice; a few commodities will sit in on Friday afternoon lectures.  These valuables will also ask their students if they have been wearing their winter coats and if they have been eating well.  Some may take it a step further and clean up dorm rooms, even asking to meet with a professor or a dean.

The money, food and clothes will be invading local hotels over the next few days, and will undoubtedly introduce themselves to other students’ money, food and clothes.

“It’s gonna be a great weekend,” said Weinberg freshman Clarence MacMillan.  ”I’m definitely stoked for the food; a nice meal in town beats eating at Plex again.”

Not everyone is in good spirits, though. Sentiments like “I specifically went to college to get away from them!” and  ”Yeah, I miss my money, food and clothes, but can’t I just see them over winter break?!” have been overheard around the university.  

As Medill sophomore Erica Meyers put it, “I’m poor, I’m hungry, and I’m cold, but that doesn’t mean I want to hear another story about what Greek life was like thirty years ago.”

Still, the general consensus around Northwestern is that Money, Food and Clothes Weekend will be welcomed with open arms.  University President Morty Schapiro may have summed it up best when he noted that, “Sure, they can be annoying sometimes, but the bottom line is, it will be nice to see them. You love your money, food and clothes!”

ATLANTIC CITY – In what is surely a game for the ages, the wheelbarrow is about to win a game of monopoly. It has $1300 in cash and owns the red monopoly, consisting of Kentucky Avenue, Indiana Avenue, and Illinois Avenue.

“I just knew my business was turning around when I landed on Indiana Avenue,” the wheelbarrow commented. “Seriously, there are now three stunningly beautiful houses here! Who wouldn’t want to stay in one of them and pay me $700 to spend the night here?”

The wheelbarrow also owns Park Place (but not boardwalk), St. James Place, and St. Charles Place. “He sure has a lot of places,” enviously remarked the thimble.

In addition, the wheelbarrow has not one, not two, but THREE of the four railroads. “I was sure excited when the dog accepted $200 and the electric company for the Short Line. Now I only need B&O Railroad and I’ll have the set!”

In a surprising twist of events, the wheelbarrow rolled a three, advancing from the Water Works to Pacific Avenue, part of a monopoly owned by the money bag. This reduced the wheelbarrow’s assets from $1300 to $25. “That’s ok!” said the wheelbarrow with a cool calmness only seen on entrepreneurs sure to succeed. “I’m about to pass go and collect $200. I mean, there is NO chance I’ll roll a three again next turn and visit the hotel on Pennsylvania Avenue and be forced into bankruptcy. It’s absolutely impossible.”

As the game entered its fourth straight hour, the racecar rolled doubles three times in a row and went to jail. “Guess I was speeding,” he remarked.

At press time, no winner has yet been reported.

EVANSTON—Local farmer Buck Jansen was involved in a drug bust Thursday after selling marijuana to local mobster Joe Zamboni, authorities said. Jansen, a highly respected farmer in the area, is best known for his completion of Level Two Daffodil Mastery after just one day of farming.

Locals are shocked at this sudden turn of morality. “Last time I checked his page, Jansen had rescued a lonely pink cow from his farm,” said Farmville resident Johnson Smith. “He was always willing to help others fertilize their crops,” said Smith’s wife, Marion. “He always shared his mystery white eggs with us.”

After creating quite an impressive farm, filled with several crops and livestock, Jansen grew tired and wanted to move onto bigger and better agricultural pursuits. After illegally watching the showtime program Weeds online, Jansen said he realized the only way to make the most money in Farmville and to finally beat all of the friends he met in chat rooms was to grow and sell drugs.

“It made perfect sense to me. Luckily, moments after I thought of the idea, Mafia Wars came on the news [feed] and I knew just what to do,” Jansen said, without remorse.

Zamboni, an avid player of Mafia Wars, was pleased to do business with Jansen. Although he would not comment, Jansen assured us that Zamboni loved the idea of the two great apps working together. “He kept sending me notifications to join his Mafia, so he must have known I could grow some pretty legit dope,” Jansen said.

Jansen remains happy despite this blemish on his previously-untarnished reputation. “All great stars need a scandal to really put them on the map,” he said. “I believe my drug operation shows my capacity as a farmer, and will only bring more blue ribbons to my farm.”

And what does the future hold for Jansen?

“When I get out of jail, I’m considering moving to Fishville,” he said. “Of course, I’ll still keep my farm, but I think fish are where the money is.”