EVANSTON – Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl announced Monday that she is permanently closing local iconic bar, The Keg of Evanston, due to repeated charges of underage drinking.

Tisdahl explained, “When an establishment breaks the law, it must be warned, and then punished. When it continues to break the law, it must be shut down.”

The announcement did not come as a surprise to Evanston residents, as Mayor Tisdahl has previously supported efforts to enforce Evanston’s “brothel law” and denied a liquor license to “The Tilted Kilt,” another local restaurant, last spring.

What was surprising was the lack of opposition from the voice of the Northwestern student body, known party fanatic Morton Owen Schapiro. He declined to comment on Mayor Tisdahl’s announcement, but his secretary reported that “Morty has been extraordinarily depressed by his failures to keep Tisdahl in check and fears she may yet succeed in returning Evanston to the nineteenth-century dream of Frances Willard, a world of pure sobriety.”

President Schapiro was seen in his office, wearing a “Keg of Evanston” T-shirt and nursing a can of Bud Light.

Tisdahl also announced that she was ordering the Northwestern Panhellenic Association and Interfraternity Council to disband. “I understand that underage drinking is not confined to The Keg. That is why I am eliminating the Northwestern Greek system and reinstating Prohibition in our fair city.”

McCormick junior Alan Kaponé reacted to Tisdahl’s decree, “I don’t see the big deal. We’re Northwestern students; we can do anything we set our minds to. We’ll find a way to get alcohol. Some of us may even make a profit on it.”

Tom Migon, owner of the Keg, said he will be converting his bar into a pet store, called The geK-o. “No alcohol will be served there,” he promised.

Later Monday afternoon, The geK-o released the following advertisement: “Students who speak easily will be granted access to special discounts and offers in the back of the store.”

In addition to releasing the ten year plan for NU, President Schapiro also unveiled his personal plans for the next decade. His agenda is below:

2011: I’ll kick things off with a little guest appearance on the new Chet Haze track. That’s right. My bro Chester and I bout to make dem hoes WET. We call it “President Kush”

2012: I hear the world is supposed to end. I plan to remedy this by containing all of the floods and earthquakes within my pants. It’s about to get stormy in there, ladies.

2013: Win a bowl game. That’s right. His Highness Morton O. Schapiro is going to play all 22 positions and personally kick the shit out of whatever weak-ass state school dares get in my way. And unlike that pussy Dan Persa, you’ll need to take out both of my Achilles tendons to stop me.

2014: It’s too cold in Evanston. I will fix this by stopping the earth’s orbit during the summer season. It is going to be fucking Florida up in here. IF YOU CAN’T STAND THE HEAT, GET OUT DA 847.

2015: I will have the economy fixed by this year. That should be enough to get me elected king. And if not, who cares? I’ll be richer than rich. Bitches bout to be occupyin’ ME.

2016: Clone myself. And that clone is a transformer. And that transformer is the New Student Center.

2017: I will have the purple sweater vest become a mandatory part of the NU uniform. Yeah, we’re going to keep it classy. Whole campus ‘bout to be lookin’ like a casual dinner party.

2018: NU will become the #1 academic school in the nation. This will be because every student at every school above us will be murdered, in cold blood, by the Mo-Dawg himself.

2019: Northwestern University in Qatar? No. Northwestern University ON THE MOON. Yeah, you heard me. I’ll breathe enough for all of you weaklings. Plus, the low gravity would mean our basketball team would actually be able to dunk.

2020: Invent Time Machine. Repeat.

MORTY’S SECRET HIDEOUT – Resident superhero Morty, otherwise known as Morton Owen Schapiro, was called once again to fight the forces of evil when his archenemy City-Council-Man, threatened to “close all the brothels.”

Morty, alerted to this danger by “Save the Brothels” signs around campus, immediately donned his superhero costume – a purple sweater, purple tights, and very cute rimless glasses – and went off to investigate.

Before leaving his secret hideout (which this reporter can exclusively reveal to be connected to NU’s underground tunnel system, near Tech), Morty left this message for students: “I want you all to know that when an evil force threatens you or your homes, I’ll be there.”

Morty has not yet found the elusive City-Council-Man (CCM), who seems to have nine different disguises. Some of these personifications of the villain have issued statements like “I was not aware we were closing the brothels.” This lack of unity among CCM’s personalities has made it difficult for Morty to track down his foe or even to know what it is demanding from NU and its students.

Morty, frustrated by his failure so far to find CCM, promised that when the epic showdown finally happens, “I’m going to nuke that Council bugger, just like I did when an plague of cicadas threatened graduation ceremonies.”

Northwestern students are eagerly awaiting a return of Morty. “Morton Schapiro is so normal,” said Weinberg junior Katie Randalph. “But Morty! He’s so sexy. His Nine O’Clock Shadow of Justice makes me swoon!”

Morty has been successful against CCM and other enemies in the past, saving the brothels last spring and steering Northwestern away from a tarnished reputation when various scandals (“probably devised and orchestrated by City-Council-Man,” Morty commented) occurred around campus last year.

Citizens of Evanston and Northwestern students have always had a rather rocky relationship, as their respective leaders are constantly fighting for the fate of their school year.

Morty plans to defeat CCM with a series of negotiations and “cool ninja-spinning-kick moves,” and his sidekick Alice Walker will be bomboarding the enemy with The Color Purple. He hopes that no one finds out about his one weakness, economics — he is rendered helpless by the beauty of the subject.

In the never-ending quest for more diversity, Northwestern has finally won. Pop open the Champaign, sake, unfiltered water—whatever your culture does. It’s time to fucking celebrate.

Listen to this class breakdown and try not to be over-fucking-whelmed by the diversity rainbow. 30 percent Native American, 25 percent African American, 15 percent Asian, 10 percent from countries that haven’t even formed yet.

… Let me pause to give you a second to clean off whatever you just jizzed onto your screen…

5 percent Caucasian, 3 percent South American Indians who have not yet encountered civilization, 2 percent Bora-Bora, 18 percent other.

I have no idea what we are going to do with all this diversity, but I love it.

Just think: the class of 2015 is going to make all other classes look racist by comparison. To those not in the class of 2015, you should feel as guilty as a Japanese nuclear power plant. Political ads and the Disney Channel don’t have shit over Northwestern’s diversity pita-pocket.

With great diversity comes great responsibility. Starting in 2012, we’ll be instating a rule that groups of students walking around campus can’t have more than two people of any one ethnicity. I want Northwestern to be in a constant state of admission-pamphlet-picture-readiness (APPR). If you are in a picture with at least five different races, please tag me. Maybe tag me as the sun because I’m fucking shining glorious equality on you all.

So, Northwestern, we have vanquished the invisible hand and replaced it with one of every color. You know, when you mix all the colors together, you get black—and what looks more diverse than that?

Looking to give its team a spark before the 2012 US News and World Report Tournament, Northwestern has traded President Morty Shapiro to Egypt for President Hosni Mubarak and a 2nd-round pick in this year’s draft. There are reports of cash considerations being included in Egypt’s package to NU as well.

Since Morty arrived in 2009, Northwestern has made the tournament in each of his two years at the school but has yet to advance past the first round. Last year as a 12 seed, Northwestern faced off against Stanford (#5) and lost 92-89. “While we appreciate the progress Morty has made in getting us into the tournament, we felt we needed to go in a different direction,” said President of the Board Bill Buckingham. “We are excited to bring in a proven leader and winner in Hosni to take us to the top.”

Mubarak has presided over Egypt for the past 30 years and has won four ACC titles (African Country Championships). He is known as a no-nonsense leader who will ensure that everyone is pulling his weight, or else. “We had been having preliminary discussions about this for a while with the Egyptians,” Buckingham said. “They were only willing to do the deal straight up, one for one, for weeks. But today they call and are willing to throw in a second round pick and cash. Strange.” There are rumors that NU will use its second round pick to improve its Student Affairs department which was one of the worst in the league this year.

The former Egyptian president is well known for his stingy “Emergency Law” defense which stifles the opposition. As a result, Northwestern’s leadership is confident that the university will perform much better under Mubarak. NU will ease the president into his new role with matchups against “cupcakes” Wisconsin and Iowa. But the competition gets much tougher in the tournament. “We have all the confidence in the world in Hosni,” Buckingham said. “As we all know, defense wins championships.”

EVANSTON – University president Morton Schapiro has revealed plans to build a gigantic indoor ski slope on the property currently occupied by the engineering school building.  Known to students as “Tech,” the multi-billion-dollar facilities that make up the complex will be replaced by a snowy mountain resort for the students’ leisure.  According to Schapiro, landscaping crews will make room for the winter-themed amusement park by relocating the Robert R. McCormick School for Engineering, the Ford Design Center, and the Northwestern Institute of Technology.  In their place will be a brand new recreation facility that includes four ski slopes, a snowboarding park, and a heated ski lodge that sells hot cocoa.

“I think that opening the campus skating rink went well, but it just wasn’t enough,” said Schapiro in an interview with the press.  “I spoke with several prominent members of Evanston’s community, and we decided that the best solution was to allow Northwestern’s students to ski potentially every day of winter quarter.”  He intends for the ski lodge to be open to undergraduates, who can get free entry by showing their Wildcard or student ID number.

Although he hasn’t provided an explanation as to how the project will be built, Schapiro mentioned that members of the school’s esteemed engineering faculty have consolidated designs for the project, which requires the destruction of their offices and expensive scientific equipment.

President Schapiro announced that construction is already underway, and the ski slopes should be completed and fully operational by 2012.

EVANSTON—NAGS (Northwestern’s Annoying Geek Squad) released NU’s iPhone app version 1.3333 (repeating) yesterday in order to fix bugs in the old system and add more student-friendly features.

“Our first priority was to fix minor problems and glitches within the software. The most obvious error was an unfortunate spelling error in ‘Lunt Hall’ on the GPS map,” said head developer Smith Bergman.

“Students also requested that we add ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ to the campus events calendar. I assume that’s an ASG initiative to install more water fountains in campus buildings. It’s great to see students using the app to work together,” he added.

The updated version also includes more features targeted directly at students, most notably an action that allows for direct chatting with NU President Morty Schapiro.

“I just thought about, like, dumb stuff I wish I could do on my phone, and then, like, designed the software around that,” said McCormick senior Dave Brenning, who also worked on the app’s design.

When asked how the application enables the school president to BBM, a function currently only capable on the BlackBerry, Brenning responded, “Want to do worthless and unfeasible things using valuable Northwestern resources? There’s an app for that.”

The updated application also makes greater use of the interactive map that was created in the first version of the app. Now students can use the GPS system to find their way back to their dorm room from anywhere in Evanston and the greater Chicago area.

“Perfect for one-night stands,” explained freshman Sally Merkelson, who uses the Northwestern app on her purple bejeweled iPhone.

“Knowing that now I’ll somehow make it back to Bobb in the morning takes a little bit of headache out of my already horrible hangover.”

While Bergman is proud of NAGS’ work on the app, he knows there will be more room for improvement. He said he hopes to develop a breathalyzer for the phone, which rates inebriation on a scale of “buzzed,” “schwasted,” and “shitfaced”.

“It’s all about making life more enjoyable for the kids, even if it will cause tuition costs to double in the next two years. I really look forward to getting to work on version 1.667,” he said.

EVANSTON—A typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the “Do Not Walk” sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties.

Jack Smannikan, a sophomore in the School of Communication, decided to blow off some steam with a smoke after a tough week. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that Saturday was the last day to return his textbooks to Norris; he figured he wouldn’t need them for the quarter. “I put down the blunt, picked up all my books, and then did that cool slide-down-the-stair-railing thing like they do in all those high school TV shows,” Jack told us from his hospital bed. “I was still a little out of it, so I crossed Sheridan without looking both ways like my mommy told me… and that’s all I remember.”

Jack was then hit by a car and suffered a broken leg. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one hurt. Thirteen other Northwestern students who had been waiting to cross unwisely decided to follow Smannikan and were subsequently also hit by oncoming traffic. “Ever since I have been here, I have always waited at the side of the road until somebody crosses in front of me,” said Weinberg junior Emily Ju. “After the first person goes, everyone else who is waiting crosses with them. Why should I have to look to see if cars are coming? There were never any problems until yesterday”.

The administration is now contemplating installing a voiceover to alert students when it is okay to walk in addition to the already in place electronic sign. Alternatively, ASG has suggested the construction of a walking bridge over Sheridan Road using extra funding from the 40% profit margin attained by Norris textbook sales. Hopefully, one of the proposed measures will be taken soon, allowing NU students to cross Sheridan Road safely.