Repeatedly stopping to calm down the jittery college president, sources reported today that Northwestern landscaping officials told Morton Schapiro all about the birds and the bees.
Tag Archives: Morty
While giddily walking away from the prize counter, Northwestern president Morton Schapiro told reporters today that he had exchanged 200 Dave & Busters tickets for a Wildcats nightlight. “I’m a really big Northwestern sports fan, so I’m super excited to have my very own Wildcats nightlight. Oh boy!” Morty exclaimed. Morty reportedly earned the 200 tickets over several hours playing Skee-Ball, whack-a-mole, and pop-a-shot basketball. He was chaperoned around the venue by members of the Board of Trustees. “You should
Sources close to Morty revealed how glad he is to have places like this on campus where he can just go chill out, smoke, and not have to worry about being attacked for who he is.
“Once he gets an idea in his head you better make sure you hide the high-energy combustibles or he’ll get in there, believe you me.”
It took the promise of an extra juice box with breakfast before he’d even poke his head out.
Many sources have speculated that this development will surely be good for Northwestern morale.
To my knowledge, Morty is not black, or any other race other than white.
“His costume totally rejected gender binary,” said Veronica Keller, SESP ’20. “You honestly couldn’t tell if he was being slutty in a dude way or a girl way.”
The costume has already sold out through online pre orders, but Norris assures that they will restock soon.
Sources report that Morty was in fact at Auntie Angel’s event, where she demonstrated how to use common fruits and vegetables for erotic pleasure.