SCOTTS VALLEY, CA—Antares Audio Technologies, publisher of the massively popular Auto-Tune music software, has announced a collection of major upgrades that will finally allow singers like Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers to sound like they have testicles.

The new software uses specialized algorithms to boost the lower frequencies of a singer’s voice, and ensures that talentless pop stars and boy bands can at least retain a miniscule portion of their masculinity.

Auto-Tune’s creator, Dr. Andy Hildebrand, has held a series of interviews to promote his new product.

“The impetus for our work is actually quite simple,” Hildebrand stated in the smug, arrogant tone of a man secure in the knowledge that he has single-handedly ruined popular music.

“Before Auto-Tune was created,” Hildebrand continued, “the only way to change the pitch of an incompetent singer’s voice was to increase or decrease the speed of the recording, much like adjusting the RPM setting on an old vinyl record.”

“This principle, sometimes referred to as ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks Syndrome’, left countless singers sounding like prepubescent girls on helium. This had the regrettable effect of forcing those without vocal talent to, well, not sing.”

In 1997, however, Hildebrand released the first version of Auto-Tune, and those disheartened inartistic-but well-connected shmucks were finally given the chance to pursue their musical dreams at the trivial expense of sounding like androgynous freaks.

“It was a win-win situation,” Hildebrand explained. “I became filthy rich, and the Backstreet Boys became world famous without having an ounce of actual talent.”

Hildebrand paused.

“If they had recorded their genre-defying music with our new, improved technology, however, it might’ve sounded like they had a single pair of balls between the five of ‘em.”

Although teen superstar Justin Bieber was unavailable for comment, his managers, producers, and legions of fans expressed their eagerness to get Justin working with the new software as quickly as possible.

“Most people don’t realize it,” Commented long-time Bieber audio engineer “Motown” Jackson, “but Justin Bieber actually sings in a rich, husky baritone. Unfortunately, the little prick has about the same talent for pitch as a drunken karaoke fan, so we have to Auto-Tune his voice into oblivion.”

“I’m sure Justin can’t wait to share his natural, virile voice with the world!” Jackson laughed. “You wouldn’t believe how shocked people are when I tell them that Justin Bieber has testicles!”

CHICAGO—Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards.

“The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even larger role. Each usher will represent a different brand throughout the game.”

From tattoos to neon signs to miniature billboards that cover most of the body (but not completely, they will be designed so that fans can see through much of the ad to not detract from the elegance of the Wrigley atmosphere), ushers will, in some way or another, be walking advertisements for Cubs sponsors.

The Cubs continue to find other marketing opportunities around Wrigley and in the action. The Make-A-Wish Foundation has agreed to sponsor every Cubs homerun. Additionally, BP will sponsor every Cubs error.

In an effort to cut costs, Ricketts has decided to eliminate organ-played at-bat music. The organ was put on Craigslist yesterday. Ricketts is asking for $65 and “anyone who wants to push an organ down several ramps.”

Instead, each Cubs player will have their own theme music.

“We have You Tube open on my PC,” says Wrigley technician Frank Gorgatta. “When a certain player comes up to bat, we type in his song. It’s a good system. We get to skip those $0.99 charges on iTunes. We don’t have to pay any royalties either because we only play a couple seconds.”

The Cubs open up a weekend inter-league series today at Wrigley for the first time against the Angels.

EVANSTON—To the profound joy of the local senior community, the North Shore Retirement Hotel announced its acquisition of Northwestern’s Pick-Staiger Concert Hall yesterday. North Shore proprietor Bernie Segal explained his decision today in a heavily-attended press conference at Pick-Staiger. “It just seemed like the logical choice,” said Segal. “All of my residents were spending every evening at Pick-Staiger, so now we can save on transportation costs and give our residents the convenience they’ve been demanding.”

When asked about the takeover, North Shore resident and Pick-Staiger regular Ethel Murphy expressed her resounding enthusiasm. “This will finally keep the five young people who keep showing up to my concerts away for good!” said Murphy.

The most striking of Segal’s plans for the concert hall is the intended conversion of the upper balcony to senior housing units. “My residents always complain about how hard it is to hear the music from the balcony anyway,” says Segal. Additionally, the student ushers and sound designers will be replaced by residents.

The recent takeover will have ramifications beyond the local senior community. The inevitable question facing the Northwestern community is whether there will be a place for students to go after the annexation of the University’s most popular music venue. When asked about the acquisition of Pick-Staiger by North Shore, Weinberg Sophomore Kyle Howard expressed his bewilderment. “Pick what?! Isn’t that a museum or something?”

Clearly, the future of Pick-Staiger has been permanently affected. The Northwestern and Evanston communities will have to make extensive changes to their lifestyles to face the new reality of the North Shore Retirement Concert Hall.