EVANSTON—Almost a dozen Northwestern country music fans were in disarray this past Tuesday when they learned of Mayfest’s final performer, rapper Rhymefest. Cramped into a booth at a nearby diner, the handful of fans nursed their disappointment with cheap whiskey: for the 38^th time, their favorite performers were snubbed. Said Cletus Owens, a Junior transfer from Arkansas Agriculture and Whining, “I thought for sure we could pull off Rascal Flatts, maybe even Hank Williams Jr.. But Rhymefest? He ain’t country.”

The group has campaigned for nearly forty years to bring a country music artist to Northwestern’s campus. However, Mayfest has continually shut them down citing, “very few hicks at Northwestern” and a desire to invite bands, “that anyone outside of the NASCAR contingency has heard of.” The Country Music Fans association made waves last week, when they fired shotguns skyward, misinterpreting Country Grammar to be an epithet against their culture. They have since apologized, issuing the statement: “Nelly ain’t a common name where we are from.”

For months, Mayfest has adamantly insisted that a country music act would be a poor choice. Michael Gebhardt, a Co-Chair for Mayfest, told us that the group tried to take Northwestern’s demographics into account. “That’s why we got Nelly. He really represents the Northwestern community. It’s about struggles.” He then added, “And with Regina, we have no room to add another immensely unpopular act.”

JUNEAU, AK—Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has finished writing her memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life. Originally slated to be a 400-page chronicle of Palin’s political and personal life, the memoir underwent a complete overhaul of its content and scope, leading to its completion months ahead of schedule.

“The initial intent of the memoir was to touch upon Palin’s personal beliefs, family life, and experiences growing up in Alaska and in politics,” said Maria Tonne, a spokesperson for HarperCollins, “but as the project moved along, we decided to take a closer look at the target audience, which led us to go back and do some extensive editing and re-writing.”

Tonne declined to comment on the changes, citing confidentiality agreements. In her typical fashion, however, Palin herself eagerly agreed to discuss the edits.
“We had to keep the readers in mind,” Palin said, “so we had to shoot for something, you know, less formal, that would really speak to all the Joe-the-Plumbers of this great country.”

According to Palin, the finished product is a 30-page long “workbook” which takes the reader through her experiences and beliefs. HarperCollins tapped esteemed children’s book illustrator William Joyce to draw the novel’s illustrations. Children’s magazine “Highlights” submitted color-by-numbers and “hidden pictures” exercises which explain Palin’s political and moral opinions to readers. One particular connect-the-dots page asks the reader to “Uncover the Secret Democrat Agenda;” the completed picture shows President Barack Obama aborting a third-trimester fetus with a hammer and sickle.

Palin attributes the memoir’s rapid ascension to the top of Amazon.com’s best-seller list and other sales charts to an extensive campaign promoting the its release.
“I gave speeches about the book at preschools and NASCAR events across the country,” Palin said. “The preschool audiences were especially receptive; I really connected with them.”

“Overall, I feel that this memoir will really resonate with my supporters,” Palin added. “Before, I had trouble writing captivating prose. Crayons help with that.”