EVANSTON—Enraged and confused, Ernie Dinkelberg, 38, told Flipside reporters on Monday that he is still frantically searching for an application to Hogwarts.

Dinkelberg, who proudly admitted to having read the Harry Potter saga 47 times, said that although he has pored over the series meticulously, he has resigned himself to the fact that J.K. Rowling never mentions where or when to obtain and submit applications.

“Do I know how to make the perfect Polyjuice Potion? Yes. Do I know how kill an adversarial wizard with an Unforgivable Curse without opening my mouth? Yes. I know Hogwarts is the school for me. I just have to apply,” said Dinkelberg.

Myrna Dinkelberg, Ernie’s mother, said that she is concerned about Ernie, but hopes he soon finds what he’s looking for.

“I’d rather have him in that Hogfarts place than in my basement, you know what I mean?” said Mrs. Dinkelberg. “I just want that loser out of my house.”

Ernie Dinkelberg has taken to waiting by his mailbox for 18-hour periods seven days a week, periodically opening the mail slot and peering inside.

“He needs to get a job,” said Mrs. Dinkelberg.

“The dude’s insane, man,” said Brett Miller, a neighbor of Dinkelberg. “Sometimes, just to screw with him, I’ll, like, leaves sticks and rocks in his mailbox and watch him freak!”

“It’s just like messing with my guinea pig, except way more awesome,” Miller added, while slowly rolling the “most epic fatty this side of the Mississippi,” officials confirmed.

“I just don’t understand,” said Dinkelberg, absently stroking the neck of his battered copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. “The Ministry of Magic has left several wands and sorcerer’s stones in my mailbox, obviously trying to hint they want me at their educational establishment. I just wish they’d be more specific about the application procedure.”

Dinkelberg said he understands that Hogwarts isn’t for everyone, and is determined to show his persistence and dedication to the school by continuing his search for an application.

“The kid is an idiot,” Mrs Dinkelberg noted, after downing her 7th shot of whiskey. “Why me? That’s what I’m curious about.”

Although he has yet to make any sort of progress whatsoever, Dinkelberg remains steadfast in his commitment to the school.

“People try to tell me that Hogwarts isn’t real,” said Dinkelberg. “But then I just tell them about Harry’s story. It’s an adventure so pure and mystifying—you can’t just make that stuff up, you know?”

EVANSTON—Putting on and tucking in his Class of ’13 shirt, McCormick freshman Danny Gubin had a feeling it was going to be a good day. Gubin, often described as a real loser, then brushed his teeth with his electric toothbrush and flossed. Twice.

Gubin stared down at the condom given to him in his 6th grade health class, muttering to himself, “Today is going to be the day.”

After stumbling into the hallway over the “Our Little Boy Is In College” doormat his mom stitched him, Gubin smiled at Communication sophomore Maya Lev, who has over a 1000 Facebook friends.

“I told him he should take the price tag off his jeans,” reported Lev, who is looking for more community service hours.

Gubin, who has yet to make a friend on X-box Live, unlocked all 3 Kryptonite locks on his bike and then honked his bike horn at Kristen Melick, a Weinberg freshman.

“I saw that brace-faced, acne-infested buffoon on Sheridan,” Melick texted Flipside reporters. “It was disgusting.”

Gubin, who isn’t even friends with his dog, commented that Melick “looked like she just swallowed a bug, which is just ridiculous because everybody knows bugs cannot survive in the Evanston climate during October.”

“She pulled out her phone. I bet she was telling her friends about me!” said Gubin. “I’m so excited! I need friends… I almost made one once, but I then pulled out my pocket-abacus… that was a bad call.”

Turning on Noyes, Gubin waved at a girl in skanky-ass clothes. She asked him if he wanted a friend. Gubin said yes. She told him it would cost 40 dollars an hour.

“That was a good deal. I’ve never had a friend for that long. She even is willing to check out my dorm. I hope she likes my Captain Underpants posters.”

Evanston – In a move baffling fellow participants in his fantasy football league, Northwestern student James Johnson chose a level 37 half elf half orc as his first pick of the draft. Johnson, a newcomer to the world of fantasy football, thought he would give it a shot after having reached Level 70 on World of Warcraft on three separate occasions. “I was just bored of killing centaurs, leveling up, and constantly pwning n00bs”, he said. “I need a new realm to conquer.”

When the pick was announced, it sent shockwaves throughout the fantasy league. In fact, his fellow competitor was so stunned he stood shocked and silent for a full three seconds before selecting Adrian Peterson. When asked why he didn’t select Peterson, Johnson responded, “Although Peterson’s play at times has seemed supernatural, he is still human, and my elf/orc is impervious to the blitzing charm that the Packers will obviously throw at him.” He chose not to pick Brett Favre because his gray beard “makes him look like a dwarf. Dwarves are clearly at a competitive disadvantage in the football world.”

While his methods may seem bizarre and his reasoning a little outside of the ordinary, Johnson was able to steal Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco in the late rounds. “He may not know Spanish, but I know a level 85 player when I see one.”

Other competitors were unavailable for comment because they were busy living their real world lives like normal people. Johnson, on the other hand, was hard at work preparing for the fantasy basketball season by selecting the entire Washington Wizards and Orlando Magic rosters.