NEW YORK – Rex Ryan, the controversial head coach of the NFL’s New York Jets, showed a flash of humility last Sunday when he decided to finally eat his words and recant on promises for a championship season. In an exclusive interview with The Flipside, Ryan tucked his napkin into his shirt and began to chow down.

“I’m the one to blame here,” Ryan said between mouthfuls. Criticism from the local media arose when, once the Jets’ playoff hopes were finished, Ryan opened the spice cabinet and brought out some salt and butter.

Gang Green’s season was officially over with a loss to the Miami Dolphins in week seventeen. “I’ve tasted da feet…I mean, defeat, before…but this was a tough one to swallow,” the coach remarked. “They…I mean, it…left a pretty bitter taste in my mouth.”

At one point in their 2011 campaign, the Jets were 8-5 and on the cusp of being one of the NFL’s elite. Unfortunately for them, Ryan was on that cusp with them, and it subsequently cracked and collapsed.

Some members of the New York faithful are even blaming Ryan for throwing in the towel before the Jets were out of contention. Ryan, however, asserts he did not throw in the towel, brandishing a barbeque-and-ketchup stained napkin as he chewed his salted words: “I have it right here. Clearly not thrown in.”

“Once again, I apologize for letting down my team and the fans,” concluded Rex as he stuffed his face with three years’ worth of words. The Jets will look to wrestle their way out of adversity next year with a big 2012 season. With the 1,500 pound Ryan on their side, it’s tough to imagine them losing.

MAITLAND, FLORIDA—Electronic Arts, the makers of the popular Madden NFL series, today announced a brand new attribute for Madden NFL ’11 named “Willpower.”

“We really felt that Tim Tebow transcends the game of football and that he deserved his own category,” said lead designer Ian Cummings. “Tebow’s skill set doesn’t fit into traditional categories like arm strength, accuracy and field awareness. He brings another facet to the game that’s never been seen before.”

Despite possessing mediocre ratings in throwing power and accuracy, important abilities for a QB, his Willpower rating of 100 will make him the best quarterback in the game.

NFL Network Draft Expert Mike Mayock praised the new category, saying that “off-the-chart intangibles” could now be defined for the first time in history.

“Tebow brings more than a love of Phillippians 2:34 and a healthy appreciation for abstinence to the table,” said Mayock. “He’s a proven winner. Florida’s incredible stock of talent was only able to win games due to [Tebow's] sheer force of will.”

Tim Tebow issued a statement praising the creation of the new category, saying that “only with my 100 Willpower rating was I able to dodge that abortion.”

However, some NFL athletes are upset by the new rating system. Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell created a Facebook group called “Winning Ain’t Everything, Celebrate Mediocrity — presented by Skittles. Taste the Rainbow.” Joining Russell is a long list of underachieving NFL players, such as Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler and Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams.

“What the fuck does ‘Willpower’ even mean?” said Jay Cutler, who has a Willpower rating of 1. “I have diabetes. Trying is hard!”

EA Tiburon demonstrated the Willpower rating by simulating a game between the Denver Broncos with Tim Tebow at the helm facing off against the Detroit Lions. Despite being the highest ranked QB in the game, Tebow went 11 for 35 with 128 yards and 1 interception. The Lions won 17-6.

When asked if the Madden team was happy about the demonstration, Ian Cummings responded enthusiastically.

“You could really tell Tebow was giving it his full effort out there.”

MINNEAPOLIS—Minnesota Vikings quarterback and NFL great Brett Favre held a press conference today to announce that he would no longer be conducting press conferences. “This is a hard decision for me and my family,” Brett informed the media, “but I feel I can no longer execute solid press conferences like I could in Green Bay.” Favre then began crying and stated that he would offer no further comment.

The announcement came as a surprise to many, who didn’t think Favre wanted to break his streak of 269 straight postgame press conferences. Other members of the media were confused about how they would converse with Favre after games, but their questions were quickly answered when Favre announced a new Twitter account, twitter.com/onthefavreingblock, which he explained would “hopefully fill the hole in my heart left vacant by the departure of press conferences.”

Though some people admire Favre’s sincerity, others wonder if he can truly abstain from the limelight. There is speculation that Favre may come out of press-conference retirement as early as next week. At the time of this article, a rumor has circulated that Favre may call a press conference announcing his return to the press conference world. Favre has tried to clear up suspicions, stating, “I’m done with press conferences. Any press conference that speculates my holding a press conference to return to press conferences is not a legitimate press conference.”

ESPN has given great attention to Favre’s press-conference retirement. They have three reporters stalking Favre 24/7 to inform the public of his every move, hidden cameras placed throughout Favre’s house, and interviews scheduled with every player who has ever played alongside Favre. “We want to get everyone’s opinion on the development,” explained ESPN anchor Chris Berman, “after all, we can’t go two seconds without Brett Favre coverage, can we?”