Tag Archives: Norris

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Sadistic Mayfest Exec Board Tortures Students, Announces Headliner Saturday Night

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EVANSTON — In an effort to sadistically torture Northwestern students, Mayfest decided to announce that Wu-Tang Clan is headlining Dillo Day only seconds before the iconic rap group took the stage on Saturday. The decision was made in part because the concert organizing board has a really sick and twisted desire to play with the hearts and minds of both music enthusiasts and borderline alcoholics alike, not to mention the entirety of ETHS and cool moms everywhere. “Creating a really

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Norris’s Broken Golden Tee Arcade Game Leaves NU Despondent

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EVANSTON — The Golden Tee arcade game located in the ground floor of Norris has fallen into disrepair, sending shock waves through Northwestern and leaving 8,000 students unsure of how to spend their time. “It was just such a big part of how I spent my weekends, you know?” said Angela Smith, sophomore Communication major. “What am I supposed to do now, play non-archaic video games, or even worse, go out and drink or something?” The game, located in the

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Proposed Changes to Norris “Totally Make Sense”

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EVANSTON — Even with a $150 million major renovation in the works, smaller recent changes to Norris University Center have already been called “totally practical” and are universally enjoyed by the student body. “The new purple walls just make my day that much better when the Norbucks line goes out the door,” said Weinberg sophomore Cassie Weeks. “Plus, the new couches by the entrance will be a great place to lounge around during all of that free time I totally

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Prospective Student Surprised She Can See Chicago from Northwest Illinois

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WAUKESHA, WI — Jordan Stralisky was surprised to learn during Wildcat Days that the city of Chicago is visible from the Northwestern Campus. “We drove like three hours to get from Waukesha to Northwestern, and on the tour we saw downtown Chicago from just outside Norris. I had no idea you could see Chicago from Northwest Illinois!” Stralisky said. “I have family in Dubuque, so it’ll be great to be just a short drive from the Iowa border in case

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Tour Group Perspectives: The Cool (Okay, Embarrassing) Dad

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Dedicated to the world’s proudest Dad WOW. This is so cool. This is the coolest ever. My daughter is the best ever. I wonder if she’s having as much fun as I am? I wish I was standing up front with her so I could ask! (My wife made me stay in the back with her because during our tour of UCLA, I pushed three accepted engineering students out of the way so I could stand right behind the tour

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Class of 2017 Excited to “Hang Out at the Lakefill and Eat Frontera”

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THE INTERNET — The Northwestern University Class of 2017 Facebook group saw a three-hundred percent increase in activity this past week when soul-searching accepted student Alyssa Gianonne asked the deep and philosophical question preoccupying every early-decision applicant’s mind: “So what’s everyone, like, MOST excited for next year?” Gianonne commented on her own post thirty seconds later explaining that marching through the historic campus arch, erected in 1993, is something that she predicts will be life changing. Within minutes, Gianonne’s post

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McCormick Students Face Toughest Challenge Yet: Making Water Freeze

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EVANSTON — Every quarter for their DTC projects, groups of McCormick students design various novel devices, from prosthetic arms to penguin feet. This quarter, one unlucky group has been given the most formidable challenge the engineering school has ever proposed: reopening the Norris Ice Rink. “We realize that this is a tough task,” said Mark Turner, a freshman civil engineer. “Even mother nature couldn’t get the ice rink open. That’s where engineering comes in.” The group of eager engineers are

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