EVANSTON – President Morton Schapiro announced Wednesday that the Admissions Office will not be printing out any rejection letters this year. Schapiro stated that the purpose of this decision was to “allow the benefits of Northwestern to reach as many students as possible.” His eyes then shiftily darted left-to-right several times, and numerous audience members swore that Schapiro said “Cha-ching!”

Schapiro’s remarks were made in a joint press conference with University Director of Financial Aid, Carolyn Lindley. Lindley stated that the University would not be awarding any financial aid to the incoming Class of 2015. “Just as we are allowing ‘the benefits of Northwestern to reach as many students as possible,’ we want as many students as possible to benefit Northwestern. Quid pro quo, am I right?”

President Schapiro, an economics expert who has done extensive research on university capacity and aid strategy, explained that a wonderful vision convinced him to abandon his years of study. “After the success of the new ice-skating rink at Norris, I just could not stop thinking about how I could expand this joy to the entire university. I was walking along Sheridan Road, when I slipped on a patch of ice. I fell to the ground and was knocked unconscious. The answer came to me then, in a dream: we should cover every sidewalk and path on the Northwestern campus in ice, allowing students and faculty to skate from class to class. What could be more wonderful?”

Lindley, when asked to comment on whether the President’s vision for an ice-covered campus had any impact on the decision to withhold aid, affirmed that this was a factor in their decision. “It is expensive not only to cover our miles of paths in ice, but also to keep these paths frozen. Evanston is not in Alaska, and ice melts in the spring and fall. Refrigeration costs alone are expected to exceed one billion dollars.”

Schapiro concluded the press conference with some comments about student housing. “Obviously, accepting 30,000 students will create space issues in the dorms. We are considering several options, mainly converting every double into a quintuple. However, we will most likely take no action, as we are anticipating a high number of ice-related fatalities next year, and this should free up some space in the dorms.”

EVANSTON—This past week’s poster sale at the Norris Center provided the university with a way to mask additional construction in the Wildcat Room. The cover-up was discovered when freshman Robert Zucker attempted to remove a poster from the display wall.

“I was just trying to get that Star Wars poster,” claims Zucker, “but when I did, there was an orange construction fence behind it.”

When Zucker revealed the construction fence, a Norris security team appeared out of nowhere and swarmed the area, removing the freshman and covering up the construction site once again. But this wasn’t the only sign of a hidden construction project.

“When I was looking at the movie posters,” said sophomore Louis Schmidt, “the guy next to me was putting down traffic cones. That seemed a little suspicious to me.”

“I definitely heard a jackhammer while I was in there,” adds freshman Jane Hunter, “and I’m pretty sure the check-out lady had a hard hat on the floor next to her. They’re definitely up to something.”

But what exactly this construction project? Although no construction workers were found to answer this question, Norris staffers were more than happy to offer their insight.

“We don’t know exactly what’s going on in there,” says an anonymous Norbucks employee. “It never seems to get anywhere, so we can’t really tell what it is. Right now, we think it’s just an attempt to fuck with students who want to use the meeting rooms.”

To some, however, the cover-up provided an inspiration. “It’s smart, really,” says Zucker. “I live in ISRC and have to look at the construction out my window every day. I might just cover my window with a poster, too.”

EVANSTON—You can tell a lot about a man by his wall. No, not his Facebook wall. People can create false personas and post things on their own wall; thus, making them look much more popular than they really are, not that I would know or anything…

No, I am talking about the $10,000 dorm room wall. You know it is a bad sign when a kid puts nothing on his wall. He probably has no personality. The kid’s is as empty as the girl’s volleyball stands and is as boring as Elder’s food selection.

For those not cool enough to come equipped with the Jon Belushi “College” poster or a Bob Marlee poster, salvation is around the corner at the poster sale (it is only a sale because things are being sold, not because prices are remotely reasonable). Praise Norris.

So the closet homosexual buys a nice poster of a girl’s bosom.

So the kid who has never been to first base buys a bikini poster so he shows everybody that he knows how to hit a home run.

So the girl buys a Twilight poster to try and justify her Goth related disorder.

More often than not, the posters turn out to be more interesting than the kid who bought them. That science nerd with the Star Trek ring tone has a fucking sweet poster of NASA bombing the moon. Hopefully, they kill that man living up there. I heard it is Osama Bin Laden.

The movie buff—who probably is only going to movies because he can’t find somebody to hang out with or has yet to acquaint himself with our good friend Mr. Alcohol—has a tight mafia poster. However, the only thing that kid ever stole was from an NU dining hall. Odds are the IMDB homepage kid looked incredibly suspicious as he stuffed cookies in his backpack while glancing away and whistled out of the dining hall.

I mean, come on. Everybody takes food from the dining hall. It’s like punching a baby in the face, or however that expression goes.