EVANSTON — This weekend, several high school students from the Midwest arrived at Northwestern University to hold mock United Nations meetings and discuss global issues. “We hoped to give these students a better understanding of the powers and responsibilities of the UN,” said Northwestern Model UN’s President, Andrew Tyson. Tyson added that it was a rousing success.

However, some students were upset by weekend’s proceedings. “We couldn’t get anything resolved,” commented Frank Wu, a student delegate from Deerfield. “I never realized other delegates could be such assholes. I just wanted to slap the delegate of China for constantly vetoing every one of my resolutions.”

Sarah Smith, a delegate from Mokena, noted, “When we finally agreed on an issue, I was so happy that I accomplished something. I was so excited that I called my friends back home, and they were so interested in our discussion on humanitarian aid in the Congo using Robert’s Rules of Order that they were absolutely speechless. They were so interested in what we had achieved; I felt like we’d made a real difference in the world.”

“I think the students got a good view of the great power and respect the actual United Nations commands,” remarked Tyson. “I hope these kids continue their pursuits into the exciting field of international relations. It’s just like Call of Duty, except without the guns.”

THE INTERNET — The Northwestern University Class of 2017 Facebook group saw a three-hundred percent increase in activity this past week when soul-searching accepted student Alyssa Gianonne asked the deep and philosophical question preoccupying every early-decision applicant’s mind: “So what’s everyone, like, MOST excited for next year?” Gianonne commented on her own post thirty seconds later explaining that marching through the historic campus arch, erected in 1993, is something that she predicts will be life changing.

Within minutes, Gianonne’s post received over 340 comments and 287 likes. Accepted student Thomas O’Hara commented, “I’m basically going to live in Norris. I heard it’s super convenient and centrally located, and I just can’t wait to get my mouth on some savory Frontera!”

Another incoming freshman, Robert Grisi, expressed his excitement for “just lying on the Lakefill and relaxing” in the consistently nice weather. “Did you guys hear they even have WiFi? I bet we’ll be able to start doing our homework out by the lake by, like, March! NU’s the coolest!”

The remainder of the comments expressed varying degrees of enthusiasm, and there was a group consensus that it was definitely better they were going here and not one of those “stupid Ivies like Columbia or Yale.” Many also gushed over the school’s proximity to Chicago. “I plan on going in at least once a week, maybe even more. I rode the train all the time in Butte Falls, Oregon, so if anybody needs ‘El’ advice, I’m your girl!” wrote an excited Andrea Park.

Another student, Alex Czirmer, a self-identified “chill bro who’s always looking for a party,” who has also reportedly friend-requested over 95% of the females in the Class of 2017 group, asked about the intricacies of hot cookie bar. “So is this code for an alcohol bar or a bar that serves cookies as well? How exactly do you guys think it works?” inquired Czirmer.

Kerry Stahlin found the thread particularly helpful. “Some of the virtual friends I have made in the group are amazing, and I know we will all hang out once we get to campus!” exclaimed Stahlin. She even proposed that they all paint The Rock the first night, so it can say “Freshmen Rock!” for the entirety of welcome week.

By Gloria Arugula

Sitting down at the Keg of Evanston as some refreshing pop plays in the background, the first thing I notice is the ambiance. Quiet Northwestern students are studying at booths, enjoying some fresh Keg Popcorn. It’s a peaceful environment, but the dust collecting on the bar and poles is disconcerting.

I order a hamburger and the server asks with a sigh if I’d like anything else to drink. Though the liquor license is gone, the Keg remains one of Evanston’s finest and classiest establishments.

The onions on my burger are sliced perfectly, and the cheese is melted ever so carefully on the grass-fed beef burger. The bun has been toasted on the grill and the accompanying pickle glistens in the musty lighting. I ask for sautéed mushrooms, as an afterthought, and the speedy service is impeccable.

For dessert I order the brownie sundae, and the server suggests I head down the street to Andy’s where the dessert is, “in all honesty, better.”

The Keg has a long history of fine cuisine. Besides incredibly well-seasoned, well-cooked, and well-displayed food, the people at the Keg have always been what makes it so special. Many have proposed to their significant others amongst the haze and beer. Though the mood is down, the spirit is hopeful. Northwestern students are determined to not allow this establishment to die. And so it lives on. Join the students in their quest to save a local business, and enjoy the delicacies of what I am officially deeming a Michelin 3-star restaurant.

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THE KEG, no wait, A FRATERNITY’S BASEMENT, no wait, fuck it, I have no idea where I am – At 2:32 on Monday, Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl removed the liquor license from the Keg of Evanston and destroyed everything that was good about humanity. Tisdale cited selling alcohol to minors and the devil’s current possession of her body as reasons for her actions.

“Evanston would be just fine without Northwestern,” Tisdahl probably said during her press conference. “And since I’ve solved all the city’s other problems, especially theft, I felt it was time to shut down the Keg.”

The arthritic Evanston populace applauded Tisdahl’s decision, raising their catheters into the air in celebration. Now the city is safe, they chanted. Now I can let my grandchildren walk the street at 3 a.m., they chanted.

Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.

“We were completely ready to step up our regulations and require two forms of paper or plastic identification,” said Tom Migon, former Keg owner and now homeless man who sits outside of CVS. “If we were the 9th-best college bar in the country, just imagine what going to a bar outside the top ten would be like.”

What the hell is going on? Where am I? Why does this place not feel like I’m walking through the streets of Hong Kong, but sweatier? Why isn’t there such a long wait for the bathroom that people are pissing in plastic cups? Where is the dance floor full of nerds pretending to live it up at college by randomly making out with people they cannot see?

Did they even serve alcohol at the Keg?

If there are typos, I don’t even care if I get a Medill F anymore. What reason do I have to go to Northwestern?

“We are going to address this issue and blah blah blah,” Dean of students Howard Burgwell said. I mean, what do they want from us? What am I supposed to do?

Fuck this. Now I’m going to have to buy a better fake ID.

EVANSTON – Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald has recently been brought into police custody and is being charged with five separate counts of altruism and humanitarianism. Eyewitness reports claim that Fitzgerald allegedly helped rake leaves, walked old women across Sheridan Road, and donated funds to local schools on multiple occasions. These chilling discoveries have shaken the entire student body. “I just can’t believe it,” says Bill Jeffries. “You get an impression of a guy who represents your school for years, and all of a sudden your opinion changes drastically.”

Head basketball coach Bill Carmody saw one of the acts occur in 2002. According to the grand jury report, Carmody caught Fitzgerald selling cupcakes to raise money for AIDS awareness. Upon seeing the illicit treats, Carmody got on the phone with his father to tell him what he had seen. “Pat and I had gone back a ways and I never expected to see this kind of shocking behavior from him,” said Carmody while under witness protection.

The Evanston police department is complaining about all the protests occurring downtown, saying that students have flipped over cars, urinated in mailboxes, and chucked Hecky’s pulled pork all over the windows of local establishments. “This is just unbelievable,” says ardent football fan Bo Bice. “Northwestern became bowl-eligible this weekend and you’re telling me they’re going to take Pat away?!”

Despite the number of charges leveled against him, some news sources believe that Fitzgerald will be found guilty of numerous other acts of humanitarianism. CNN news anchor Husky Blitzkrieg commented on the state of the sports union: “I am shocked and appalled that Fitzgerald would disgrace college sports in this manner. Henceforth, the legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions. The school will go down in infamy for this. Thank God that other collegiate sports administrations are run by men of extraordinary character.”

In other news, students and local media are beginning to question where Morty Schapiro was when all the acts of humanitarianism were occurring; rumors of a cover-up are beginning to circulate heavily.

EVANSTON – McCormick Freshman Casey Chad said Monday that she still believes that she will spend a significant amount of time in downtown Chicago at some point this year.

“During fall quarter I just had to get acquainted with Northwestern and make friends who will come to the city with me,” Chad explained.  “Next quarter I’m going to go to the city for sure!  Well, maybe not winter quarter, actually, because it’ll be cold.  It gets really cold in Chicago, right?  But after that for sure.”

Chad said that by the end of freshman year she hopes to eat dinner in Chicago at least once a month, go to four concerts, a play, three museums, explore Boystown, get her nose pierced and sneak onto the roof of a skyscraper at midnight.

“I’ve had a lot of work in my engineering classes, but I think I can learn to manage them enough to make some trips down to the city.  I mean, I have to go; I wrote about how awesome it would be to be so close to Chicago in my admissions essay!”

As of yesterday Chad was heard saying that she was still under the impression that the L ride down to the Loop would take “30 minutes, tops.”

In related news, Medill sophomore Brad Jansen said Tuesday that he, too, swears he’ll get around to going to Chicago to have some fun sometime in the next two and a half years.

EVANSTON – Attendance at Ryan Field was up 30 percent after all the Asian parents with children at Northwestern attended their first football game. The dramatic upswing occurred when the parents, who collectively split three orders at Joy Yee’s before kickoff, learned that the game had something to do with Rice.

Some first-time fans were impressed by the game of football, like Woo Jin Sun Kim, who goes by Ben. “Getting back from the game reminded me of traveling around Beijing,” said Ben, the father of a sophomore economics major. “And that one guy with the headphones and the angry face, he seemed really into it.”

The Asian population was also impressed by the blind obedience displayed after the third quarter during “Put your hands up in the air,” even if most people looked like they didn’t want to participate. Others noted that the players worked very hard but are getting paid very little. Finally, the fact that there seemed to be many more men then girls at the game reminded some newcomers of home.

“We looked great against Rice,” one of them said. “I haven’t been watching all year, but we must have a great record.”

There were, however, some dissidents. Several attendees complained about being unable to see over the tall people standing in front of them. Others said that it was hard to distinguish the players from each other. By far the most complaints, however, related to the general inefficiency of having 4,000 of America’s brightest minds getting belligerently drunk to watch men in tights grab each other for three hours.

“We heard there was going to be rice at the game,” said local Evanstonian Koi Cosy. “And it wasn’t even BYO!”

Accord was reached on one topic, however. All of the Asian parents agreed that the foam finger was a great giveaway because the parents will be very happy to know their kids are number one.