THE KEG, no wait, A FRATERNITY’S BASEMENT, no wait, fuck it, I have no idea where I am – At 2:32 on Monday, Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl removed the liquor license from the Keg of Evanston and destroyed everything that was good about humanity. Tisdale cited selling alcohol to minors and the devil’s current possession of her body as reasons for her actions.

“Evanston would be just fine without Northwestern,” Tisdahl probably said during her press conference. “And since I’ve solved all the city’s other problems, especially theft, I felt it was time to shut down the Keg.”

The arthritic Evanston populace applauded Tisdahl’s decision, raising their catheters into the air in celebration. Now the city is safe, they chanted. Now I can let my grandchildren walk the street at 3 a.m., they chanted.

Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.

“We were completely ready to step up our regulations and require two forms of paper or plastic identification,” said Tom Migon, former Keg owner and now homeless man who sits outside of CVS. “If we were the 9th-best college bar in the country, just imagine what going to a bar outside the top ten would be like.”

What the hell is going on? Where am I? Why does this place not feel like I’m walking through the streets of Hong Kong, but sweatier? Why isn’t there such a long wait for the bathroom that people are pissing in plastic cups? Where is the dance floor full of nerds pretending to live it up at college by randomly making out with people they cannot see?

Did they even serve alcohol at the Keg?

If there are typos, I don’t even care if I get a Medill F anymore. What reason do I have to go to Northwestern?

“We are going to address this issue and blah blah blah,” Dean of students Howard Burgwell said. I mean, what do they want from us? What am I supposed to do?

Fuck this. Now I’m going to have to buy a better fake ID.

EVANSTON – Northwestern football coach Pat Fitzgerald has recently been brought into police custody and is being charged with five separate counts of altruism and humanitarianism. Eyewitness reports claim that Fitzgerald allegedly helped rake leaves, walked old women across Sheridan Road, and donated funds to local schools on multiple occasions. These chilling discoveries have shaken the entire student body. “I just can’t believe it,” says Bill Jeffries. “You get an impression of a guy who represents your school for years, and all of a sudden your opinion changes drastically.”

Head basketball coach Bill Carmody saw one of the acts occur in 2002. According to the grand jury report, Carmody caught Fitzgerald selling cupcakes to raise money for AIDS awareness. Upon seeing the illicit treats, Carmody got on the phone with his father to tell him what he had seen. “Pat and I had gone back a ways and I never expected to see this kind of shocking behavior from him,” said Carmody while under witness protection.

The Evanston police department is complaining about all the protests occurring downtown, saying that students have flipped over cars, urinated in mailboxes, and chucked Hecky’s pulled pork all over the windows of local establishments. “This is just unbelievable,” says ardent football fan Bo Bice. “Northwestern became bowl-eligible this weekend and you’re telling me they’re going to take Pat away?!”

Despite the number of charges leveled against him, some news sources believe that Fitzgerald will be found guilty of numerous other acts of humanitarianism. CNN news anchor Husky Blitzkrieg commented on the state of the sports union: “I am shocked and appalled that Fitzgerald would disgrace college sports in this manner. Henceforth, the legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one man’s actions. The school will go down in infamy for this. Thank God that other collegiate sports administrations are run by men of extraordinary character.”

In other news, students and local media are beginning to question where Morty Schapiro was when all the acts of humanitarianism were occurring; rumors of a cover-up are beginning to circulate heavily.

EVANSTON – McCormick Freshman Casey Chad said Monday that she still believes that she will spend a significant amount of time in downtown Chicago at some point this year.

“During fall quarter I just had to get acquainted with Northwestern and make friends who will come to the city with me,” Chad explained.  “Next quarter I’m going to go to the city for sure!  Well, maybe not winter quarter, actually, because it’ll be cold.  It gets really cold in Chicago, right?  But after that for sure.”

Chad said that by the end of freshman year she hopes to eat dinner in Chicago at least once a month, go to four concerts, a play, three museums, explore Boystown, get her nose pierced and sneak onto the roof of a skyscraper at midnight.

“I’ve had a lot of work in my engineering classes, but I think I can learn to manage them enough to make some trips down to the city.  I mean, I have to go; I wrote about how awesome it would be to be so close to Chicago in my admissions essay!”

As of yesterday Chad was heard saying that she was still under the impression that the L ride down to the Loop would take “30 minutes, tops.”

In related news, Medill sophomore Brad Jansen said Tuesday that he, too, swears he’ll get around to going to Chicago to have some fun sometime in the next two and a half years.

EVANSTON – Attendance at Ryan Field was up 30 percent after all the Asian parents with children at Northwestern attended their first football game. The dramatic upswing occurred when the parents, who collectively split three orders at Joy Yee’s before kickoff, learned that the game had something to do with Rice.

Some first-time fans were impressed by the game of football, like Woo Jin Sun Kim, who goes by Ben. “Getting back from the game reminded me of traveling around Beijing,” said Ben, the father of a sophomore economics major. “And that one guy with the headphones and the angry face, he seemed really into it.”

The Asian population was also impressed by the blind obedience displayed after the third quarter during “Put your hands up in the air,” even if most people looked like they didn’t want to participate. Others noted that the players worked very hard but are getting paid very little. Finally, the fact that there seemed to be many more men then girls at the game reminded some newcomers of home.

“We looked great against Rice,” one of them said. “I haven’t been watching all year, but we must have a great record.”

There were, however, some dissidents. Several attendees complained about being unable to see over the tall people standing in front of them. Others said that it was hard to distinguish the players from each other. By far the most complaints, however, related to the general inefficiency of having 4,000 of America’s brightest minds getting belligerently drunk to watch men in tights grab each other for three hours.

“We heard there was going to be rice at the game,” said local Evanstonian Koi Cosy. “And it wasn’t even BYO!”

Accord was reached on one topic, however. All of the Asian parents agreed that the foam finger was a great giveaway because the parents will be very happy to know their kids are number one.

In a completely understandable move in the midst of the largest recession of the past seventy years, the US Federal Government gave $300,000 to Northwestern’s Campus Coalition on Sexual Violence.

Spokesperson for the US Department of Justice, Paul Barts, commented that the use of the funds was absolutely, totally legitimate, as politicians and governmental workers never take bribes or keep people quiet with money.

Joseph Gupta, the head of a campus group called United Conspiracy Theorists, says the money is suspicious. “Fucksaws, Sex Week, now this Federal Sexual Assault grant? This depravity all fits together.”

The Campus Coalition spokesperson, Emily Mitchell, when asked for comment, giggled and said “Whaaaat? I don’t know what money you’re talking about.”

Gupta, after considering the state of Congress, rethought the grant, “Now that you mention it, overblown spending, ridiculous specificity and obnoxious showmanship? This doesn’t seem suspicious at all.”

EVANSTON – Weinberg senior Allison Dinker has discovered that Northwestern students are a “disgusting and lazy breed of humans.” The anthropology major is currently writing her dissertation on a culture never before studied academically, NU students. She is conducting her research at the Northwestern University Library.

Dinker began her research last Spring, when she was studying for finals at the library. “I noticed that someone had etched some strange glyphs that spelled ‘ORGO SUX DIX’ into the desk in Study Carrel 3143A.”

Dinker soon began an investigation of every desk in the library. “I’m now trying to answer the question, ‘What can we learn about a culture by studying vandalized desks?’”

The results have been shocking. “The undersides of the desks are disgusting. I’ve found enough chewed gum to feed a camp of starving refugees for a week, several used Band-Aids, and a used condom taped to the bottom of a desk in 5 North.”

According to Dinker, NU students have devised some sort of communication system in the library as well. “Some people write encouraging messages, like ‘You can do it!’ That one really made me smile. Other students seem to be trying to meet other students and hook up; I’ve added 78 new contacts to my phone. And I even found a crudely drawn map of California, highlighting the Bay Area. But the overwhelming majority of inscriptions seem to be about how terrible studying and Northwestern classes are.”

“Clearly,” Dinker concluded, “the NU community is discouraged, sex-deprived, merely adequate at geography, and very fond of gum. It’s amazing students haven’t tried jumping down the library stairwell.”

Professor Marcus Applegate, head of the NU Anthropology department, remarked on Allison’s research, “Unfortunately, she’s what we call a ‘lost cause.’ Anyone who spends that much time in the library is not experiencing NU life. She might be devoting her life to studying NU culture, but she doesn’t understand it at all.”

Dillo Day. It’s that time of year in late May when it may or may not be snowing. The free pizza tastes great, but so does all the other shit you may or may not have eaten. One thing is so certain that even Heisenberg wouldn’t question you: if you are from around here, you’ll see all those people from high school you thought you’d never see again. You know, the kids who don’t know who Heisenberg is.

They’ll act all surprised to see you, which is strange because you go to Northwestern. You’ll say it’s nice to see you too and regret not sneaking in alcohol taped to your uppermost, innermost thigh like your friend did. (Friend. An interesting word, no? I think friend can be defined as someone you would be happy to see on Dillo Day.)

Then they’ll want to know where the alcohol is. You are stuck like a freshman scared of jaywalking on Sheridan. Of course you know where alcohol is, that is an inane question. It is Dillo Day. But you don’t want to lie. You’ve already lied once by saying you’re happy to see these numbskulls. You’re worried about karma — and unlike that kid from your high school, you still have finals.

You sigh. “Yeah,” you say, “just go up to the SigEp house and say Morty Shapiro sent you.”

You part ways. The spring returns to your step as you realize that if Nelly couldn’t ruin Dillo Day, your loser classmates don’t have a chance.

EVANSTON – Many students were shocked to hear last week that Professor J. Michael Bailey’s Human Sexuality class would not be offered next year, but the campus was in an even greater uproar after hearing that the administration had canceled sex itself for the 2011-12 academic year.

“At this point,” President Morton Schapiro explained in a press release, “we need to rethink how sex fits into the lives of our undergraduates. We’ve received complaints that sex exists at Northwestern for pure ‘shock value,’ and we want to be sure of its practical applications before we reopen it to the student body.”

Student response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly negative. “I can’t believe they cancelled sex,” lamented WCAS freshman Alyssa Sheldon. “Everyone told me that I HAD to have sex before I left Northwestern. I was going to do it next year, but I guess I’ll have to wait now.” Many students agreed with Sheldon’s frustrations, and watching unsatisfied undergrads erase sex from their day planners has become common around campus. “I understand some sex may have been a little uncalled for,” continued Sheldon, “but this seems like a really drastic decision.”

Sales of sex toys to NU students have risen dramatically. “Those young whippersnappers cleaned me out,” said Gene Piselli, the owner of “Gene’s Fucksaws and Sundries,” a sex shop in Wrigleyville. “Even if the university bans sex, it won’t stop genitalia from existing.”

In response to Northwestern’s new policy, several sex-addicted students have decided to transfer to BYU, citing the school’s “more open attitude with regards to human sexuality” as a top selling point.

The university has reported its next target will be defecation, which it says “promotes a culture of crude, scatological, and generally immature behavior not representative of the Northwestern brand.”

EVANSTON – A lawsuit was filed against Northwestern University last March by a group of blind students. The students claimed that the University was discriminating against blind students by using a Google email client that is not fully compatible with text-to-speech software.

Last week, Northwestern administrators apologized to the blind students in an email sent out to the Students With Disabilities listserv. Below is the text of that email.

from: uservices@northwestern.edu
to: SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu
date: Fri, Mar. 15, 2011 at 1:37 PM
subject: Saawwwwyyyy

Dear Blindies Eyeless-frea Greatly Respected Blind Students,

We are truly sorry for using Gmail. NOT. Gmail is awesome! Why are you raining on our gmail parade? You can add tags, archive email, and add gold stars to email, and even read email! Well, you can’t. But for the rest of us, it’s perfect for our needs!

In conclusion, you are a truly integral part of the campus and the university community, and we regret any action on our part that made you feel like second-class citizens.

So please drop the lawsuit.

Losers,

Love,
Your University
Quaecumque Sunt Vera

Assuming the students are able to read the email, campus officials predict a second lawsuit will be filed shortly.