EVANSTON – A lawsuit was filed against Northwestern University last March by a group of blind students. The students claimed that the University was discriminating against blind students by using a Google email client that is not fully compatible with text-to-speech software.

Last week, Northwestern administrators apologized to the blind students in an email sent out to the Students With Disabilities listserv. Below is the text of that email.

from: uservices@northwestern.edu
to: SSDLIST@listserv.it.northwestern.edu
date: Fri, Mar. 15, 2011 at 1:37 PM
subject: Saawwwwyyyy

Dear Blindies Eyeless-frea Greatly Respected Blind Students,

We are truly sorry for using Gmail. NOT. Gmail is awesome! Why are you raining on our gmail parade? You can add tags, archive email, and add gold stars to email, and even read email! Well, you can’t. But for the rest of us, it’s perfect for our needs!

In conclusion, you are a truly integral part of the campus and the university community, and we regret any action on our part that made you feel like second-class citizens.

So please drop the lawsuit.

Losers,

Love,
Your University
Quaecumque Sunt Vera

Assuming the students are able to read the email, campus officials predict a second lawsuit will be filed shortly.

EVANSTON – Contrary to popular belief, it was leaked yesterday that a local businessman, not famous hip-hop performer B.o.B, will perform at Dillo Day. “I was really excited about B.o.B,” said Comm sophomore Dani Ward, “but I guess Bob is good too. I hear he makes an awesome hot dog on the grill.”

An article in several outlets claimed that the popular rapper had posted a tour date on his website that coincided with Dillo Day, but the reporters had actually looked under the wrong tab; Dillo Day 2011 was listed under “Places I don’t fuck with,” not “Tour.” “Yeah, I don’t screw with Bob,” explained B.o.B, “that dude is the hardest motherfuckin’ computer systems analyst I know. I thought I’d put a note on my website so that my fans know that won’t be seeing me messin’ around at Dillo.”

Bob is well known for his high-energy live show, which includes fascinating anecdotes about Jeff from work and his spot-on Charlie Sheen impersonation. It is believed that the timeliness of this impersonation is what made Bob such an expensive act to bring. “People who can do a funny Charlie Sheen voice at dinner parties are in high demand,” explained one Mayfest rep, “so we figured we’d lock up Bob before Sheen does anything else crazy.”

The Flipside was able to get an exclusive interview with the elusive Bob. When questioned about his upcoming Dillo Day performance, Bob responded, “Uh…what?”

By Sam Gutelle

EVANSTON – Homeless NU student Peter Soren, recently evicted due to the enforcement of Evanston’s so called “brothel law,” has reportedly been seen frequently sleeping over at an apartment rented by three of his friends. “He just sleeps in our spare bedroom,” explained Brandon Burrell, one of the three tenants. “Sometimes it seems like he sleeps over every day.”

Soren, who had previous lived in the apartment before the enforcement of the law, says he is glad to have such hospitable friends. “I had a real scare for a while, but it looks like I’ve finally settled in and found a place to live– er, sleep at sometimes.” Soren has been seen giving random checks to Burrell about once a month. “I just like to be a nice guy,” explained the WCAS junior. “He’s really into giving me gifts,” added Burrell, “especially on the first of the month. Funny the way that works out.”

Soren sleeps over so frequently that he apparently leaves things lying around when he departs in the morning. “I just completely left my desk lamp there the other day. And my printer! I don’t even know why I brought it in the first place, but, um, oops,” he lamented, “I’m just so forgetful sometimes.”

Burrell explained that he accidentally forgot his keys on the counter when he left one morning. “Oh, crap,” he told the Flipside, “totally forgot my keys. Hope someone picks them up—oh wait, here’s a text from Pete. He found them and will drop them off today. He’s such a considerate guest.”

Since the enforcement of the law, the number of off-campus slumber parties has risen by 200%. “I think it has something to do with those hipsters,” explained NU President Morton Schapiro, “they’re really into that whole retro thing. I guess seventh-grade is in right now.”

EVANSTON – When Northwestern students learned that their beloved football team had come up short in their 3rd straight bid for a comeback victory, they thought they’d seen the end of Wildcat-related bad news. Unfortunately, head coach Pat Fitzgerald announced in a press conference on Sunday that the ‘Cats were already down three touchdowns in next year’s bowl game.

“It seemed right that we should let the other team score a few times before the game started,” explained Fitzgerald. “That way, we can skip to the riveting charge and keep our fans as happy as possible.” This time, however, the deficit did not quite go according to plan. “We meant for the opposing team to put up 17 points on us before the game started, but they faked their imaginary field goal and ran it in to score. Thus, the game stands at 21-0, and we have our work cut out for us.”

There are several steps that must be completed before the ‘Cats can climb out of such an early hole. First, they must qualify for a bowl. If they fail to achieve a good enough record, the 21 points will be kept in a storage unit in Des Plaines until the team’s next postseason appearance. In addition, when bowl placement is determined, the scores must be attributed to individual players on the opposing team. Given this stipulation, fantasy football stock for running backs from mediocre Big 12 and SEC teams has increased dramatically.

Fitzgerald added that the team might also begin its rousing comeback before the game. “It is important that we complete the comeback,” he said, “while still leaving some time for the heartbreaking finale that is sure to follow.”

EVANSTON—Registration for Winter Quarter begins this week at Northwestern, and students are absolutely thrilled.

“I hate all my classes!” joyfully exclaimed Weinberg freshman D.J. Grunthel. “I’m tired of them and ready for new classes that I will learn to hate!”

Upperclassmen concur that classes never get any better.

“I’ve had my share of quarters here,” said Medill junior Sarah Shamara. “I can’t remember enjoying any of them. But I am super psyched for a change in my classes! There certainly is some truth to that old saying, ‘Out of the frying pan and into the fire is what in college you shall acquire.’”

In addition to a new round of rigorous courses, students are also happily awaiting subzero temperatures, fierce winds, and an onslaught of ice and snow.

“I love Northwestern so much,” said Communications sophomore Daniel Tho. “I could have gone to school in California or Florida, where classes are easier and I could sleep and have a life, but I am just so happy here. Midwestern weather builds character, and a Northwestern education looks great on your resume.”

Daniel then proceeded to pull out his smartphone and post ten new submissions to fmylife.com.

CHICAGO—Somewhere between Alfonso Soriano striking out and purchasing a hot dog for $6, most of the 800 Northwestern students at the Cubs-Marlins game began to wonder what the point of it all was.

“Being the lovable losers is nice,” said New York native sophomore Nate Atkins of the 14-18 Cubs, who haven’t won an MLB championship since 1908. “But what are they ultimately losing?”

“Nothing,” Atkins added.

Tucked away in the corner of Wrigley Field—a field so steeped in tradition that it has old fashioned vantage points where spectators can barely see the game—NU students looked at Cubs fans spilling beer over themselves, not remotely paying attention to the game, and screaming obscenities at the White Sox, the umpire, the opposing fans, and each other.

“Where are the Cubs going?” asked Boston native Lauren Wallace as fans starting singing ‘Go Cubs, Go’ with two outs in the ninth.

Carlos Marmol proceeded to walk a batter with the bases loaded and then hit back to back batters, causing the Cubs to lose 5-4.

“There is always next year,” said Cubs fan and Medill Freshman Seth Bernstine. “But what if there isn’t? What if 2012 actually happens? What if Lou Pinalla spontaneously combusts as he argues with the umpire? What even is a year but an artificial timeline constructed by man? If time is artificial, do we even have time? Why am I here?”

EVANSTON—Several Northwestern University students said Thursday that they hold relaxed views about “sexiling,” a slang word used to describe the act of barring a roommate from entry into living quarters to ensure privacy for intimate relations.

“I think people have common sense,” said Joana Smith, Medill freshman. “Text if you’re going to bring someone home.”

In college campuses across the country, “sexiling” has become an issue. Tufts University recently created a policy outlawing students from having sex while roommates are present in the room. The policy also prohibits students from having any sexual activity that would deprive a roommate of privacy, study, or sleep time.

Some Northwestern students, however, do not think such explicit rules are essential. In an informal poll, all but two students believed that the university should avoid outlining sex guidelines.

Jenny Kline, Communication freshman said she believes sex policies are not necessary.

“It is between the roommate and the other roommate’s agreement,” she said.

Kline said she thinks that “sexiling” is not that common of an issue. “People are smart about it,” she said.

Weinberg freshman John Schwarz agreed that the university does not need to make specific policies.

“I don’t think it’s necessary, but I think the university should make roommates make agreements,” the Tampa, Fla. student said.

Ben Nichols held similar views. The Communication sophomore said he thinks that it is not up to the university to create sex rules. He said that students should recognize that sex is going to happen no matter what, so people should be aware.

“You get privacy when you want it,” Nichols said. “Making a hard and fast rule about that thing creates more conflict among roommates.”

On the other hand, Amy Samberg, Communication freshman, said she believes quite the opposite about “sexiling.”

“It does happen a lot, and if there isn’t a rule you can’t really call your roommate out,” Samberg said.

Michael Schneider, Medill sophomore, held a more moderate view. He said he believes that it is not necessary for the university to have explicit “sexile” rules, but in some cases it might be helpful.

“In general, I’m sure it’s a pretty common issue,” said Schneider. “It’s probably induced anger more than once.”

This article is completely factual. It is not satirical. April Fool’s!

EVANSTON—NAGS (Northwestern’s Annoying Geek Squad) released NU’s iPhone app version 1.3333 (repeating) yesterday in order to fix bugs in the old system and add more student-friendly features.

“Our first priority was to fix minor problems and glitches within the software. The most obvious error was an unfortunate spelling error in ‘Lunt Hall’ on the GPS map,” said head developer Smith Bergman.

“Students also requested that we add ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ to the campus events calendar. I assume that’s an ASG initiative to install more water fountains in campus buildings. It’s great to see students using the app to work together,” he added.

The updated version also includes more features targeted directly at students, most notably an action that allows for direct chatting with NU President Morty Schapiro.

“I just thought about, like, dumb stuff I wish I could do on my phone, and then, like, designed the software around that,” said McCormick senior Dave Brenning, who also worked on the app’s design.

When asked how the application enables the school president to BBM, a function currently only capable on the BlackBerry, Brenning responded, “Want to do worthless and unfeasible things using valuable Northwestern resources? There’s an app for that.”

The updated application also makes greater use of the interactive map that was created in the first version of the app. Now students can use the GPS system to find their way back to their dorm room from anywhere in Evanston and the greater Chicago area.

“Perfect for one-night stands,” explained freshman Sally Merkelson, who uses the Northwestern app on her purple bejeweled iPhone.

“Knowing that now I’ll somehow make it back to Bobb in the morning takes a little bit of headache out of my already horrible hangover.”

While Bergman is proud of NAGS’ work on the app, he knows there will be more room for improvement. He said he hopes to develop a breathalyzer for the phone, which rates inebriation on a scale of “buzzed,” “schwasted,” and “shitfaced”.

“It’s all about making life more enjoyable for the kids, even if it will cause tuition costs to double in the next two years. I really look forward to getting to work on version 1.667,” he said.

EVANSTON—WCAS junior Jason Rivers has received many text messages since he purchased an iPhone two years ago, but none stranger than the one he received during his Organic Chemistry class last Tuesday. “WHADDUP NORTHWESTERRRRRRN!” the message read. “Thers a dudewith a gunn n shit so watchouttt.”

Rivers, like many other NU students, has been victimized by NU Emergency Notifications, an automated voice designed to help keep students aware of developing emergencies on campus. On Tuesday, the voice had apparently downed one too many shots of Smirnoff. “I got 19 phone calls, 31 texts, and 44 emails from this guy,” explained Rivers, “and the one time I picked up my phone this male voice was like ‘Yo brah, so fuckin schwasted right now. Just like anyone who gets shot by this gunman. Peace, bro.’”

Several NU students posted messages they received to the popular site “Texts From Last Night”, where the front page featured the entry, “(847) FUCK MAN still lookin 4 the gunman…goddamn I’m so high.”

At the time of the crisis, the disembodied emergency notification voice was reportedly indulging with the infamously cheerful voice of the Northwestern’s Health Service’s automated answering service. In addition to the Chicago campus shooter, several cases of rampant mononucleosis and pregnancy were also reported. The two debauched voices recruited a venerable dream team (including the voices of Morgan Freeman, Don LaFontaine, and James Earl Jones) to search for threats to campus safety. All allegations have since been refuted as mere drug-induced hallucinations.

NU Emergency Notifications probably owes its life to the final emergency message it sent to the Northwestern community before its collapse in a disreputable Chicago neighborhood: “Awwwmaan. Fuckkkk.  I thhnjima paaassss ouu–”

Though Emergency Notifications survived, the Northwestern community won’t be hearing from it for a long while… the voice accidentally butt-dialed its mother during the bender and is now grounded indefinitely.