WASHINGTON, D.C. – As John Paul Stevens has announced his decision to retire in the near future, President Obama must choose a new justice to replace him. His two current options lie in the very efficient Judge Dredd and very delicious Judge Fudge.  Judge Dredd had over twenty years of experience in 2000 AD Comics from a place called Mega-City, while Judge Fudge had experience being a judge for one “power hour” every Saturday morning on children’s television in the 1970s and has only recently resurfaced in the legal community.  Judge Dredd is a part of the Do-It-Yourself Party and Judge Fudge is a member of the Chocolate Party.  To get to know these judges a little better, I interviewed them about their stances on political issues and posted their answers below.

Enforcing the Bill of Rights
Judge Dredd: I am the law.  I have the right to arrest, try and execute on site.  I will enforce what I deem necessary. 
Judge Fudge:  I am too busy being delicious to worry about the Bill of Rights.

Abortion
Judge Dredd: This can be used to prevent criminals from being born.  Where I’m from, we have a criminal problem… and even criminals were once fetuses.
Judge Fudge:  I’m too busy being delicious to worry about abortion, but I do love the ladies.

Torture of terrorists
Judge Dredd:  I don’t need torture to get answers.  I carry seven guns on me at all times.  If terrorists don’t tell me what I want to know as soon as I walk into the building, I will make them talk.
Judge Fudge: I’m too busy being delicious to worry about terrorism.

Gun Control: 
Judge Dredd: I carry seven guns on me at all times, and they’re all enormous — none of those pansy handguns. When I see guns being used for purposes other than hunting and upholding the law, I will confiscate them and use them on the owner. 
Judge Fudge:  I’m too busy being delicious to worry about guns.

Flag Burning:
Judge Dredd:  I will personally rule on anyone who burns a flag. [cracks knuckles] 
Judge Fudge:  I am personally against flag burning, my parents were killed at a flag burning.  They melted over the fire.

Gay Marriage:
Judge Dredd:  As long as I get to enforce it, I’m okay with it.  Judge Fudge:  Why would any man want to love anybody other than a woman?  Are they not busy enough being delicious?

That’s all the time I had for questions.  Obama should make his pick by next month.

DETROIT – Terrorists destroyed the city of Detroit on Christmas Day. Not surprisingly, there has been very little outcry from the rest of the United States.

In fact, Americans are rather indifferent to the event. Some even show signs of joy, describing the attack as a “Christmas miracle.” President Obama said Friday that this attack is possibly the best thing to happen to America during his presidency.

“Detroit was holding America back from greatness,” the President said in a press conference. “The terrorists actually did us a favor. I must remember to send Al-Qaeda a Christmas card if I ever get their address.”

Chicago entrepreneurs are already thinking of ways to capitalize on this joyful event. “I’m thinking of making a ‘Ruins of Pompeii’ theme park in the rubble of Detroit,” said acclaimed rollercoaster tycoon Jason Stein. “The city looks just like Pompeii after Mount Vesuvius exploded, and the whole Ancient Roman thing is going to be the next big thing after the current vampire craze blows over.”

Locals who survived the attack are thankful to escape — from both the firestorm and the city it ravaged. “Honestly, I’ve been looking for an excuse to get out of Detroit ever since my husband’s job was relocated to that awful place,” said Debra Shelley. “I can’t wait to move to a better city — Baltimore, say, or East L.A.”

“All I want is to shake the hand of the terrorist who did this,” said former Detroit resident Allen Shant. “It’s a shame it was a suicide mission. I wouldn’t mind having a beer with the guy.”

WASHINGTON – The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside.

The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize,” Obama added, perhaps alluding to past winners such as NU Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald and overall badass Theodore Roosevelt.

Gasps of surprise were heard throughout the White House when the news was released. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said he at first thought the HRMINF was a joke. “I have also never read an issue of The Flipside, but my aides tell me it’s all just satire,” said Gibbs. “I thought I was just supposed to laugh, and think about the real issues this kind of humor brings to light.”

While the White House accepted the award as a pleasant surprise, critics of Obama and even of the award itself had some harsh words for the President.

Fox News’ Glenn Beck suggested that Obama only won to meet some Flipside “affirmative action quota.” Little did he know, The Flipside does its best to satirize the presidency, so the fact that Obama appreciates The Flipside was rather surprising.

Another “reporter” from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly called the prize “damaged goods,” since Stephen Colbert, a Northwestern alum, had already won it. O’Reilly even suggested that Obama put a “no spin zone” on the HRMINF and decline the award.

EVANSTON—Northwestern President Morton Schapiro’s convocation address to incoming freshmen was rudely interrupted when Kanye West barged onto the stage and interrupted the speech. The well-known rapper grabbed the microphone from Schapiro’s grip and spoke to the shocked group of freshmen. “I’ve seen crazy things before, but nothing quite like this,” commented freshman John Rennault, “Who would believe that someone as fly as Morton Schapiro would be interrupted in the middle of an address?”

After grabbing the mic, West did not waste time. “Morton,” he said, “I’m happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but Henry Bienen had one of the best convocation addresses of ALL TIME!” He then repeated “OF ALL TIME” once more before returning the mic to a speechless Schapiro and taking his seat once again.

Pick-Staiger employees are not sure how West was able to get a seat at an event reserved for Northwestern freshmen. One usher believes he used the pseudonym ‘Pronea East’ to hide his true identity, waiting until the right time to upstage Schapiro. Others became suspicious when they noticed West’s entire entourage parked on Arts Circle Drive. Shapiro commented afterward, “We’ll have to take steps in the future to ensure that security is tighter than it was today.”

President Obama had a much uncharacteristic reaction, calling West a “punk-ass bitch”. The rapper was quick to comment on this barb, saying, “I don’t care about Barack Obama. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Barack Obama doesn’t care about black people.”

WASINGTON – The former Vice-President has led an outspoken life after completing his second term in January. There is little doubt that he has been critical of the Democratic majority, particularly of President Obama’s decision to close Guantanamo Bay. He was heavily opposed to Obama’s new health care plan as well, until he learned of government “death panels.”

“These new death panels,” Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, “will do great things for the American people. It will finally give government the power to decide who is worthy and who is not.” Cheney has volunteered to lead the death panels, calling himself “truly worthy” of such an important government position.

Most Republicans use the forthcoming death panels, which were totally included in the proposed legislation, as an example of the unconstitutional nature of the proposed reform. Cheney questions this argument. “Not in the Constitution? The Constitution can absolutely be interpreted in such a way that gives government the power to decide if someone lives or dies. If you ask me, we need to start using that power…I need to start using that power.”

Cheney says that once he is appointed Grand Master of the death panels, he will begin to rid the country of terrorists, the sick, the elderly, and anyone else he deems unworthy. “Basically,” explains Cheney, “anyone who fails the panel will have to go hunting with me, if you catch my drift.”