Posted on 15 May 2013.
Posted on 05 March 2013.
WASHINGTON — Sequestration began March 1 when Congress failed to pass any legislation that would allow the government to avoid the massive spending cuts. President Obama was reportedly “saddened and disappointed” that House Republicans did not meet his demands of a “balanced approach” of tax increases and spending cuts to evade the sequestration, especially since Republicans seemed to be “going Democrat” with their recent statements supporting gay marriage.
Speaker of the House John Boehner said in a press conference, “What the American people want is a smaller government that taxes less and spends less. What President Obama offered us was a government that taxes more and spends less. What we got by ignoring him was a government that taxes less and spends less. What we got from him was the American dream—a government that cuts services and benefits until our nation can return to the predominantly agrarian country our founding fathers envisioned.”
Dr. Richard O’Malley, a political science professor at George Washington University, nevertheless saw this as a victory for President Obama. “In the last week, Republicans have proved to be remarkably inconsistent. They seem reasonable one day, finally saying that all people deserve marriage equality under the law, but then the next day, they cry Reagonomics and refuse to compromise.”
However, the cuts caused by the sequestration mean that polling places will no longer have the budgets to purchase ballots or polling machines, and voters will need to purchase their own supplies. Most states will require votes be written in No. 2 pencil on a three-by-five notecard, though the Florida state government announced it will accept votes written on the back of used bingo cards, while California voters will need to submit their votes with a special iPad app. Kentucky voters, meanwhile, will likely be able to vote by dropping whatever knickknacks they have in their pockets into appropriately marked bourbon bottles.
In response to critics who argued this plan could potentially disenfranchise millions of lower income voters, Mr. Boehner said, “That’s nonsense. Those people would not have been able to vote anyways, what with the Supreme Court poised to repeal the Voting Rights Act.”
Posted on 17 February 2013.
EVANSTON — Northwestern University President Morton Schapiro announced yesterday afternoon after his annual meeting with President Obama that he found the U.S. President’s tactics using drone strikes against American enemies extremely inspiring. “In fact,” President Schapiro said, “I am releasing an NU executive order right at this moment, and yes, per the latest ASG legislation nobody has read, I can do that, that the university administration is hereby allowed to launch drones against the enemies of the university.”
The new policy is intended to enforce Schapiro’s sweatshirt ban from last November, which so far has not prevented students from wearing apparel from other universities. Schapiro explained, “I don’t ever want to see anyone in a t-shirt or sweatshirt from Harvard, Yale, the University of Chicago, or any other school besides Northwestern. Students and faculty in possession of any such garments will have until Sunday to drop them off in a special disposal units in Norris University Center. After that date, any person spotted by a CA, faculty member, or any other university official wearing a non-Northwestern college piece of clothing will be subject to a merciless drone strike.”
“We will not negotiate with terrorists,” President Schapiro continued. “I mean, people wearing non-Wildcat apparel, people who hate the very purple fabric of our Northwestern society.”
While the President’s latest addition to University policy has garnered criticism from helicopter parents who say it’s wrong to “bomb your own students,” the Office of Admissions says it has seen the largest spike in applications since the Fucksaw incident. U.S. News and World Report analysts say it’s probably because the word “drones” reminds computer nerds of Star Wars.
Posted on 14 November 2012.
By Rafalca Romney, Mitt Romney’s Horse
Greenwich Gardens — Will the real Mittens Romney please stand up?
Standing. On all four of my glossy, chestnut-colored legs. And I have been. Since my drastically underhyped performance in the London 2012 Olympic Games. Sure, I may not have earned a gold in dressage, but last I checked I’m not the only Romney who dropped the ball recently.
Look Willard, we’re not so different. I get what it’s like to be unlikeable. I’m German. My sire’s name is Rubinstein. Your wife named me Rafalca. I have an incredibly pretentious, potentially racist name, my father sounds like a comic-book villain, and I’m from the least liked country on Earth. We could have been friends Willard. We could have.
Really though, even I can’t look at your presidential campaign, and say “atta boy,” and offer you some oats. Not only could I have done a better job checking Paul Ryan’s math by stamping my left hoof, but I probably could have conveyed a better understanding of the American tax-bracket breakdown based on my observations of barnyard social structure.
At the end of the day, Willard, and I will call you Willard because EVERYONE KNOWS THAT ANNE ONLY CALLS ME MITTENS, you stole my thunder. 2012 should have been my year. I was the one who went to the Olympics, and all I got to be was your most famous tax deduction. And the worst part: do you know why I only have three white socks above my perfectly-groomed, competition-ready hooves? Because Barack Obama took my fourth one to give to an overweight, underpriviledged Clydesdale.
Way to stumble mid-piaffe, Willard. I’ll fit in better with donkeys anyways.
Posted on 07 November 2012.
COLUMBUS, OH — After an eternity of acting like the state actually matters, Americans are relieved that they are once again able to completely disregard Ohio. Due to its electoral significance, pundits, candidates, and campaigns had descended on the cultural wasteland, attempting to woo the votes of disappointed Browns and Bengals fans in every county, and bringing it to the forefront of the media’s eye for the past several months.
Privately, however, campaigns had expressed dissatisfaction with their Ohio operations. As Shelia Bowerton, a senior Romney staffer in Akron, put it, “It’s awful trying to pander to these people. They have this ridiculous sense of political entitlement… I just don’t know where it comes from.”
A worker at Obama’s Bowling Green field office added, “It’s like they thought they were doing something to deserve this attention, when really, the only reason Ohio is important is because there are millions are people so politically uninformed that they need someone to spoon feed them opinions that they can latch onto, and it makes the state competitive.”
This was reflected in much of the advertising done in the state. A Toledo area radio ad for the Obama campaign advised voters to “pick Barack Obama, the one with the ‘D’ by his name.” Similarly, Romney supporters ran a statewide commercial featuring a School House Rock-style music video highlighting expansion of the national debt under Obama with the refrain, “When we borrow, it’s bad for tomorrow.”
The end of the campaign is welcome news for a nation weary of pretending a state full of drunk Ohio State fanatics and deserted cities is actually a worthwhile place. Staffers on both sides have reiterated their happiness at being able to finally “leave this urban hell-scape called Cleveland and get back to somewhere civilized, like LA.”
As Bowerton summarized, “I mean, just look at that stupid pennant thing they call a flag. How can you even take a state like that seriously?”
Posted on 06 November 2012.
ATLANTA, EVANSTON, and DES MOINES — An anonymous Northwestern student-watchdog group has alerted the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) about a potentially deadly disease called “Face AIDS.” According to the a statement from the CDC, the previously unknown disease has in the last month spread all over the Northwestern campus.
Little is known about the disease, but already an awareness campaign has started in the form of flyers around the campus, prompting the CDC to advise: “At this point, there is insufficient evidence to determine whether this is a mutation of the AIDS virus that has become faceborne, or if this is another virus altogether. What we do know is that more than a few flyers will be necessary to take down Face AIDS.”
Flyers about Face AIDS were placed by the newly-created student group “Face Face AIDS,” whose mission statement is “To make so many people aware of Face AIDS, that it gets really shy and embarrassed and just disappears.”
“It’s like those pink ribbons you see,” elaborated Face Face AIDS founder Steve Joplin. “If enough people see pink ribbons, and know that breast cancer exists, then breast cancer simply disappears because it gets very self-conscious that so many people know about it. We’re just hoping to do the same for Face AIDS.”
The Face Face AIDS group’s efforts have already been successful. Due to the proliferation of “Face AIDS” signs at Northwestern University, President Obama pledged to eradicate the Face AIDS plight from the United States.
“Face AIDS is a serious problem,” President Obama said at a stump speech in Iowa earlier this week, pointing out that his comprehensive healthcare overhaul covered Face AIDS.
“While I’ve been at the forefront of the Face AIDS epidemic, where has Governor Romney been?” the president asked. “That man is clearly out of touch with the issues that affect every day Americans.”
Warned Mr. Obama, “You can get them from kissing, hugging, or voting Republican.”
Posted on 06 November 2012.
WASHINGTON — Despite a year of campaigning, with Election Day here, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney have decided to settle who will win the Presidency the way real men do: a cock-off.
While usually a means of settling bar bets, dick measuring is not foreign to the political sphere. In fact, cock fighting was used to determine the winner in a hotly contested battle for Congress in the 19th Century, in what historians now refer to as the Cumgressional Race of ’69. Jimmy Stiff, a political scientist at Stanford University, says that this precedent makes this circumcision of the Electoral College entirely constitutional.
According to Romney’s campaign manager Hugh G. Johnson, Romney suggested the challenge to show that “he has the balls needed to lead this country.” In accepting the challenge, President Obama’s main surrogate Richard Long said, “President Obama has shown time and time again that he will whip out whatever it takes to win and that he is willing to take the hard line when necessary.”
Voters have greeted the news with open arms. Ex-voter Willie Wood declared, “I was just tired of the constant bickering on both sides. It really started to chafe at me how negative this campaign was getting.” Added female voter Regina Nodzik, “At least now the candidates have dropped all pretense… along with their trousers. It’s not like they paid much attention to women before they decided to switch to dick measuring. Besides, this new election method bodes well for Hillary in 2016, provided Bill is allowed to stand in for her.”
Despite the excitement from both camps and voters alike, Romney supporter John Sununu is a little worried. He observed, “Look at Barack Obama, you would have to say he is the favorite.” When asked to clarify, Sununu stammered, “I just meant if you look at Obama’s…shoe size, yes, shoe size is what I was thinking about, he clearly has the advantage there and you know what often comes with that… um, large socks.”
Posted on 05 November 2012.
NEW YORK CITY — New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg publically endorsed President Obama last Thursday, saying the effects of Hurricane Sandy reshaped his thinking of the presidential campaign. While many Democrats welcomed the New York mayor’s support, Obama was less than enthusiastic about the statement. The implication that Bloomberg was previously unsure of his vote, or even possibly considering to vote for the Romney/Ryan ticket, definitely shook their friendship to its very core.
An inside source told The Flipside, “Barack is quite upset about Mike’s comments. He thought that they were really close friends, even bros. The fact that Mike’s decision came down to global warming and not Barack’s awesome basketball stories is very disappointing to the President.” The President’s emotions have affected his campaign. A campaign staffer who wished to remain anonymous revealed, “Barack toured New Jersey with Governor Chris Christie to make Bloomberg jealous. He wanted to appear all buddy-buddy with Chris, just to show the mayor that he doesn’t need him.”
Although Bloomberg did not publicly endorse a candidate in 2008, the President believed that his friend would wholeheartedly support him. Bloomberg’s additional comment, that Obama has “engaged in partisan attacks and embraced a divisive populist agenda focused on redistributing income rather than creating it,” definitely was a blow to their relationship. The President took it personally.
Barack’s subsequent erratic behavior has been trying on his staff and supporters. With the election finally at a close, his campaign advisers are hoping that he can pull it together. Even though they removed all of the Ben & Jerry’s from the campaign bus, they have still been finding candy wrappers and empty Doritos bags. The staffer revealed in an exclusive interview that Barack is “…taking it really hard. We told him that it’s not a big deal, that Mayor Bloomberg is just the mayor of only one city in the country, but he won’t listen to us.”
Governor Christie, in response, said that he would do anything for his new pal. “If Mike fucks with Barack again,” claimed Christie, “I’ll eat him.”
Posted on 04 November 2012.
As satirists, we at The Northwestern Flipside take things very seriously. So, when the time came to make the first presidential endorsement in the history of the publication, we bore this duty with the utmost gravity. Our choices seemed bleak: on the one hand, our sitting president has been a dreadful disappointment; aside from an economy that is stagnant and a prison at Guantanamo Bay that is still open, Barack Obama has proved himself to be utterly unremarkable and competent. On the other hand, his opponent is rich, robotic, and rarely shows a natural emotion or idea.
As the nation learned in 2008, the vice presidential candidates can have a huge impact when deciding whether to support a ticket. Once in office, the role of the vice president is indispensable: waiting and secretly hoping for the president to die. We have no complaints about Vice President Joe Biden. None. We are not sure what kind of vice president Paul Ryan would be, but we believe he could not live up to the mighty standards set by good ol’ Joe being a cranky codger.
After considering the probable consequences of the election of each candidate on us as individuals, on the United States, on the whole world, and most importantly, on The Northwestern Flipside, we are proud to endorse Governor Romney and Vice President Biden for president and vice president in the 2012 election.
When Barack Obama was elected in 2008, those of us in the satire community were presented with a mixed blessing. We understood that Vice President Biden would shower us with many opportunities for easy, low-hanging-fruit jokes. We also accepted that President Obama would pose a relative challenge. Let’s be honest: most of us end up secretly asking ourselves whether the joke we just made about the Kenyan Muslim was racist or not.
This year, we are presented with a unique opportunity to continue with what is working and draw new blood at the same time. As your annoying neighborhood politics nerd probably explained to you already, if the electoral college results in a tied vote, the House of Representatives gets to choose the president while the Senate gets to choose the vice president. Since the Republicans control the House and the Democrats control the Senate, we would end up seeing Governor Romney and Vice President Biden share the White House. With this in mind, The Flipside believes that the choice is clear.
Governor Romney has proven that he can provide some of the best material for satire. His real first name is–contrary to those who speculate that it is Mittens–Willard. He once tied his dog onto the roof of his car. He carries around binders full of women. We hear from unconfirmed sources that, if elected, he plans to install an elevator for cars in the oval office.
While this may seem like an endorsement of the Romney-Ryan ticket, we believe that ultimately Biden is the better candidate for the position of vice president. While Ryan’s healthy addiction to P90X and his six to eight percent body fat provided a week’s worth of jokes, there’s only so many “muscle confusion” jokes one can write. Furthermore, Ryan’s uncanny resemblance to the Furby toy of the 1990s is outright unsettling in a way that even satire struggles to encapsulate. Biden’s many documented quirks and tendencies to swallow his own foot provides us an endless possibilities of comic potential. We still remember Biden, the Amtrak-loving son of Scranton who wouldn’t shut up if his life depended on it, smiling his trademark creepy-smirk behind the president during the State of the Union speeches. Imagine the faces he would make behind Romney.
For these reasons, we enthusiastically support a Romney-Biden ticket. In order to achieve the necessary electoral college tie, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Wisconsin, and Michigan should vote for Obama, while Florida, North Carolina, Virginia, Iowa, Colorado, and Nevada should vote for Romney.
Posted on 04 November 2012.
HOBOKEN, NJ — This week, after Hurricane Sandy flattened the Jersey Shore, President Obama kindly requested that Americans stop making “Jersey” jokes for at least a week.
“Out of respect for our fellow citizens in this time of crisis, I implore you all to stop making fun of New Jersey. Stop making fun of their terrible and confusing highway system. Stop making fun of the fact that the only thing in Newark that’s growing is the crime rate. Stop making fun of those Oompa Loompas along the shoreline,” zinged Obama with a sly smile.
During the time of panic, Obama reached out to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Governor Christie explained the crisis of having very little to eat or drink as grocery stores around the state were destroyed. Obama, in turn, was about to make a fat joke, but was silenced by a slight cough from his press secretary.
Horrified by the damage, President Obama declared a “State of Emergency” while he whispered under his breath to Biden, “Should have declared that one in 2009.”
After spending a couple hours in the wreckage, President Obama took a cue from the New Jersey Nets and left as soon as he could.