MILWAUKEE – In response to the milk spill that covered the western rim of Lake Michigan with a layer of milk fat, President Obama visited the shores of Milwaukee to encourage the thousands of volunteers helping in the cleanup effort.

The spilled milk has since spread over a large area, reaching as far as Western Michigan and the north shores of Chicago. Images of flocks of geese covered in milk fat have gathered attention from the press and garnered criticism for the lack of early response.

According to experts from the Federal Emergency Management Agency, while milk is biodegradable, the bacterial growth coming from bad milk will most certainly disrupt the environmental balance of Lake Michigan irreparably.

Republican leadership has since strongly criticized the president for the failed joke during the State of the Union address, calling the joke “utterly tasteless” and the president “out-of-touch.”

“But seriously, what are the odds that something like this would happen?” muttered President Obama, looking crestfallen. “What people don’t understand is that I didn’t do this. I didn’t leave the milk out.”

Later, the President was forced to cancel a scheduled speech in front of the Milwaukee city hall when he broke into fits of sobbing.

WASHINGTON – Last Wednesday, Oscar Ramiro Ortega-Hernandez fired a semiautomatic rifle at the White House, expecting to slay the building and take down the government.

“I kept hearing on the news these crazy things the White House was doing,” said Ortega-Hernandez. “Katie Couric told me that ‘The White House finally passed its healthcare overhaul.’ Brian Williams reported, ‘The White House ordered plane strikes on Libya last week.’ It’s obvious the White House is responsible for the stupid liberal agenda that’s threatening the future of our country.”

Ortega-Hernandez continued, “I felt was up to me to stop the White House. So I did. With a Romanian Cugir SA semiautomatic assault rifle. Unfortunately, the White House windows I attacked – what I believed to be the creature’s weakest points – were made of bulletproof material, and I was not successful.”

News sources other than The Flipside have reported that Ortega-Hernandez was trying to assassinate President Obama (a charge for which the 21-year-old is now in custody), but the shooter exclusively told The Flipside that this is false. “How can they think that? Obama was in Australia when I shot the White House. I’m not an idiot!”

Four days after the failed assassination attempt, a two-month-old video surface in which Ortega-Hernandez called himself “a modern Jesus.”
“At first I thought I was the Vatican,” explained Ortega-Hernandez. “But then someone corrected me and told me Jesus Christ is responsible for all the cool things the Vatican does – the Vatican itself, which is such a beautiful building, doesn’t literally do them. I am a modern Vatican. I mean, a modern Jesus.”

WASHINGTON, DC- Following President Barack Obama’s release of his long-form birth certificate, Birthers nation-wide were left stunned and reticent as any lingering doubts about Obama’s legitimacy as their freely-elected leader were instantly banished, and ultra-right-wing leaders urged their constituents to engage elected officials in a polite, civil manner. Even adamant Birther Donald Trump ordered his supporters to “accept that [Obama] is our rightfully elected leader, and all future disagreements must be handled through negotiation and compromise, not chaos and thinly-veiled racism.”

Most Birthers were more than happy to put aside their beliefs in the name of bipartisanship, but a few expressed persisting concerns about Obama’s eligibility to lead; all spoke on condition of anonymity, however, as they were afraid that their fringe, wildly bizarre beliefs could lead to ostracism and scorn from the rest of society.

“So, now that I’ve been shown a piece of paper, there’s no way I can doubt Obama is a true American,” one former Birther began. “But (and I only say this in the most hypothetical sense), he could still technically be an al-Qaeda sleeper agent, right?” At hearing such a fucking stupid statement leave his own lips, the Birther’s cheeks turned to a bright shade of red.

“Well, yeah, I mean, that wouldn’t make any sense, huh? I mean, he did just kill Bin Laden, huh?” the Birther laughed nervously, eager to save face.

Some radicals have continued to fight for Obama’s impeachment, despite complete condemnation by GOP leaders. But since the birth issue has been so thoroughly disproven by uncontestable methods, they have resorted to hiring former National Enquirer writers to discover new grounds for impeachable “high crimes and misdemeanors”.

“It hasn’t worked as well as we’d‘ve liked,” said Jack Boyd, who has spent the last week spearheading an anti-Obama campaign despite harsh disapproval even from Michelle Bachmann. “Even if Obama was born a bat boy, (and let me just say that we’re still waiting on proof that he wasn’t!) there’s nothing in the Constitution prohibiting a bat boy from serving as president.”

Boyd and his fellow “Batty Brigade” have announced a series of nation-wide rallies, but without a single corporate sponsor or backing party, members have resigned themselves to leafleting community colleges and conducting guest spots on radio shows in the 2 a.m. – 4 a.m. slot.

“Maybe this is hopeless,” Boyd told me sadly, after one such session. “Maybe I just have to accept that Obama isn’t Kenyan or a terrorist and that my deep-seated hatred of his Presidency may just be a fear of blacks that I’m ashamed to admit to.” Boyd glanced over at his rusted-out Buick in the driveway.

“I’m gonna need a new fuckin’ bumper.”

Presidential Dinner at P.F. Chang’s Sweet and Sours Chinese-U.S. Relationship

WASHINGTON—As John Paul Stevens has announced his decision to retire in the near future, President Obama must choose a new justice to replace him. His two current options lie in the very efficient Judge Dredd and very delicious Judge Fudge.  Judge Dredd had over twenty years of experience in 2000 AD Comics from a place called Mega-City, while Judge Fudge had experience being a judge for one “power hour” every Saturday morning on children’s television in the 1970s and has only recently resurfaced in the legal community.  Judge Dredd is a part of the Do-It-Yourself Party and Judge Fudge is a member of the Chocolate Party.  To get to know these judges a little better, I interviewed them about their stances on political issues and posted their answers below.

Enforcing the Bill of Rights
Judge Dredd: I am the law.  I have the right to arrest, try and execute on site.  I will enforce what I deem necessary. 
Judge Fudge:  I am too busy being delicious to worry about the Bill of Rights.

Abortion
Judge Dredd: This can be used to prevent criminals from being born.  Where I’m from, we have a criminal problem… and even criminals were once fetuses.
Judge Fudge:  I’m too busy being delicious to worry about abortion, but I do love the ladies.

Torture of terrorists
Judge Dredd:  I don’t need torture to get answers.  I carry seven guns on me at all times.  If terrorists don’t tell me what I want to know as soon as I walk into the building, I will make them talk.
Judge Fudge: I’m too busy being delicious to worry about terrorism.

Gun Control: 
Judge Dredd: I carry seven guns on me at all times, and they’re all enormous — none of those pansy handguns. When I see guns being used for purposes other than hunting and upholding the law, I will confiscate them and use them on the owner. 
Judge Fudge:  I’m too busy being delicious to worry about guns.

Flag Burning:
Judge Dredd:  I will personally rule on anyone who burns a flag. [cracks knuckles] 
Judge Fudge:  I am personally against flag burning, my parents were killed at a flag burning.  They melted over the fire.

Gay Marriage:
Judge Dredd:  As long as I get to enforce it, I’m okay with it.  Judge Fudge:  Why would any man want to love anybody other than a woman?  Are they not busy enough being delicious?

That’s all the time I had for questions.  Obama should make his pick by next month.

DETROIT—Terrorists destroyed the city of Detroit on Christmas Day. Not surprisingly, there has been very little outcry from the rest of the United States.

In fact, Americans are rather indifferent to the event. Some even show signs of joy, describing the attack as a “Christmas miracle.” President Obama said Friday that this attack is possibly the best thing to happen to America during his presidency.

“Detroit was holding America back from greatness,” the President said in a press conference. “The terrorists actually did us a favor. I must remember to send Al-Qaeda a Christmas card if I ever get their address.”

Chicago entrepreneurs are already thinking of ways to capitalize on this joyful event. “I’m thinking of making a ‘Ruins of Pompeii’ theme park in the rubble of Detroit,” said acclaimed rollercoaster tycoon Jason Stein. “The city looks just like Pompeii after Mount Vesuvius exploded, and the whole Ancient Roman thing is going to be the next big thing after the current vampire craze blows over.”

Locals who survived the attack are thankful to escape — from both the firestorm and the city it ravaged. “Honestly, I’ve been looking for an excuse to get out of Detroit ever since my husband’s job was relocated to that awful place,” said Debra Shelley. “I can’t wait to move to a better city — Baltimore, say, or East L.A.”

“All I want is to shake the hand of the terrorist who did this,” said former Detroit resident Allen Shant. “It’s a shame it was a suicide mission. I wouldn’t mind having a beer with the guy.”

WASHINGTON—The nation went into a state of shock last night after President Barack Obama unexpectedly was awarded the internationally-celebrated honor of “Having Read the Most Issues of Northwestern Flipside.” Obama admitted he himself was surprised by the win, as he has never before read an issue of The Flipside.

The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize,” Obama added, perhaps alluding to past winners such as NU Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald and overall badass Theodore Roosevelt.

Gasps of surprise were heard throughout the White House when the news was released. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said he at first thought the HRMINF was a joke. “I have also never read an issue of The Flipside, but my aides tell me it’s all just satire,” said Gibbs. “I thought I was just supposed to laugh, and think about the real issues this kind of humor brings to light.”

While the White House accepted the award as a pleasant surprise, critics of Obama and even of the award itself had some harsh words for the President.

Fox News’ Glenn Beck suggested that Obama only won to meet some Flipside “affirmative action quota.” Little did he know, The Flipside does its best to satirize the presidency, so the fact that Obama appreciates The Flipside was rather surprising.

Another “reporter” from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly called the prize “damaged goods,” since Stephen Colbert, a Northwestern alum, had already won it. O’Reilly even suggested that Obama put a “no spin zone” on the HRMINF and decline the award.