The spilled milk has since spread over a large area, reaching as far as Western Michigan and the north shores of Chicago. Images of flocks of geese covered in milk fat have gathered attention from the press and garnered criticism for the lack of early response.

According to experts from the Federal Emergency Management Agency, while milk is biodegradable, the bacterial growth coming from bad milk will most certainly disrupt the environmental balance of Lake Michigan irreparably.

Republican leadership has since strongly criticized the president for the failed joke during the State of the Union address, calling the joke “utterly tasteless” and the president “out-of-touch.”

“But seriously, what are the odds that something like this would happen?” muttered President Obama, looking crestfallen. “What people don’t understand is that I didn’t do this. I didn’t leave the milk out.”

Later, the President was forced to cancel a scheduled speech in front of the Milwaukee city hall when he broke into fits of sobbing.

“I kept hearing on the news these crazy things the White House was doing,” said Ortega-Hernandez. “Katie Couric told me that ‘The White House finally passed its healthcare overhaul.’ Brian Williams reported, ‘The White House ordered plane strikes on Libya last week.’ It’s obvious the White House is responsible for the stupid liberal agenda that’s threatening the future of our country.”

Ortega-Hernandez continued, “I felt was up to me to stop the White House. So I did. With a Romanian Cugir SA semiautomatic assault rifle. Unfortunately, the White House windows I attacked – what I believed to be the creature’s weakest points – were made of bulletproof material, and I was not successful.”

News sources other than The Flipside have reported that Ortega-Hernandez was trying to assassinate President Obama (a charge for which the 21-year-old is now in custody), but the shooter exclusively told The Flipside that this is false. “How can they think that? Obama was in Australia when I shot the White House. I’m not an idiot!”

Four days after the failed assassination attempt, a two-month-old video surface in which Ortega-Hernandez called himself “a modern Jesus.”
“At first I thought I was the Vatican,” explained Ortega-Hernandez. “But then someone corrected me and told me Jesus Christ is responsible for all the cool things the Vatican does – the Vatican itself, which is such a beautiful building, doesn’t literally do them. I am a modern Vatican. I mean, a modern Jesus.”

Most Birthers were more than happy to put aside their beliefs in the name of bipartisanship, but a few expressed persisting concerns about Obama’s eligibility to lead; all spoke on condition of anonymity, however, as they were afraid that their fringe, wildly bizarre beliefs could lead to ostracism and scorn from the rest of society.

“So, now that I’ve been shown a piece of paper, there’s no way I can doubt Obama is a true American,” one former Birther began. “But (and I only say this in the most hypothetical sense), he could still technically be an al-Qaeda sleeper agent, right?” At hearing such a fucking stupid statement leave his own lips, the Birther’s cheeks turned to a bright shade of red.

“Well, yeah, I mean, that wouldn’t make any sense, huh? I mean, he did just kill Bin Laden, huh?” the Birther laughed nervously, eager to save face.

Some radicals have continued to fight for Obama’s impeachment, despite complete condemnation by GOP leaders. But since the birth issue has been so thoroughly disproven by uncontestable methods, they have resorted to hiring former National Enquirer writers to discover new grounds for impeachable “high crimes and misdemeanors”.

“It hasn’t worked as well as we’d‘ve liked,” said Jack Boyd, who has spent the last week spearheading an anti-Obama campaign despite harsh disapproval even from Michelle Bachmann. “Even if Obama was born a bat boy, (and let me just say that we’re still waiting on proof that he wasn’t!) there’s nothing in the Constitution prohibiting a bat boy from serving as president.”

Boyd and his fellow “Batty Brigade” have announced a series of nation-wide rallies, but without a single corporate sponsor or backing party, members have resigned themselves to leafleting community colleges and conducting guest spots on radio shows in the 2 a.m. – 4 a.m. slot.

“Maybe this is hopeless,” Boyd told me sadly, after one such session. “Maybe I just have to accept that Obama isn’t Kenyan or a terrorist and that my deep-seated hatred of his Presidency may just be a fear of blacks that I’m ashamed to admit to.” Boyd glanced over at his rusted-out Buick in the driveway.

“I’m gonna need a new fuckin’ bumper.”

Enforcing the Bill of Rights
Judge Dredd: I am the law.  I have the right to arrest, try and execute on site.  I will enforce what I deem necessary. 
Judge Fudge:  I am too busy being delicious to worry about the Bill of Rights.

Abortion
Judge Dredd: This can be used to prevent criminals from being born.  Where I’m from, we have a criminal problem… and even criminals were once fetuses.
Judge Fudge:  I’m too busy being delicious to worry about abortion, but I do love the ladies.

Torture of terrorists
Judge Dredd:  I don’t need torture to get answers.  I carry seven guns on me at all times.  If terrorists don’t tell me what I want to know as soon as I walk into the building, I will make them talk.
Judge Fudge: I’m too busy being delicious to worry about terrorism.

Gun Control: 
Judge Dredd: I carry seven guns on me at all times, and they’re all enormous — none of those pansy handguns. When I see guns being used for purposes other than hunting and upholding the law, I will confiscate them and use them on the owner. 
Judge Fudge:  I’m too busy being delicious to worry about guns.

Flag Burning:
Judge Dredd:  I will personally rule on anyone who burns a flag. [cracks knuckles] 
Judge Fudge:  I am personally against flag burning, my parents were killed at a flag burning.  They melted over the fire.

Gay Marriage:
Judge Dredd:  As long as I get to enforce it, I’m okay with it.  Judge Fudge:  Why would any man want to love anybody other than a woman?  Are they not busy enough being delicious?

That’s all the time I had for questions.  Obama should make his pick by next month.

In fact, Americans are rather indifferent to the event. Some even show signs of joy, describing the attack as a “Christmas miracle.” President Obama said Friday that this attack is possibly the best thing to happen to America during his presidency.

“Detroit was holding America back from greatness,” the President said in a press conference. “The terrorists actually did us a favor. I must remember to send Al-Qaeda a Christmas card if I ever get their address.”

Chicago entrepreneurs are already thinking of ways to capitalize on this joyful event. “I’m thinking of making a ‘Ruins of Pompeii’ theme park in the rubble of Detroit,” said acclaimed rollercoaster tycoon Jason Stein. “The city looks just like Pompeii after Mount Vesuvius exploded, and the whole Ancient Roman thing is going to be the next big thing after the current vampire craze blows over.”

Locals who survived the attack are thankful to escape — from both the firestorm and the city it ravaged. “Honestly, I’ve been looking for an excuse to get out of Detroit ever since my husband’s job was relocated to that awful place,” said Debra Shelley. “I can’t wait to move to a better city — Baltimore, say, or East L.A.”

“All I want is to shake the hand of the terrorist who did this,” said former Detroit resident Allen Shant. “It’s a shame it was a suicide mission. I wouldn’t mind having a beer with the guy.”

The president said he is deeply humbled by the award, but realizes he still has some reading to do. “To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who’ve been honored by this prize,” Obama added, perhaps alluding to past winners such as NU Head Coach Pat Fitzgerald and overall badass Theodore Roosevelt.

Gasps of surprise were heard throughout the White House when the news was released. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said he at first thought the HRMINF was a joke. “I have also never read an issue of The Flipside, but my aides tell me it’s all just satire,” said Gibbs. “I thought I was just supposed to laugh, and think about the real issues this kind of humor brings to light.”

While the White House accepted the award as a pleasant surprise, critics of Obama and even of the award itself had some harsh words for the President.

Fox News’ Glenn Beck suggested that Obama only won to meet some Flipside “affirmative action quota.” Little did he know, The Flipside does its best to satirize the presidency, so the fact that Obama appreciates The Flipside was rather surprising.

Another “reporter” from Fox News, Bill O’Reilly called the prize “damaged goods,” since Stephen Colbert, a Northwestern alum, had already won it. O’Reilly even suggested that Obama put a “no spin zone” on the HRMINF and decline the award.

After grabbing the mic, West did not waste time. “Morton,” he said, “I’m happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but Henry Bienen had one of the best convocation addresses of ALL TIME!” He then repeated “OF ALL TIME” once more before returning the mic to a speechless Schapiro and taking his seat once again.

Pick-Staiger employees are not sure how West was able to get a seat at an event reserved for Northwestern freshmen. One usher believes he used the pseudonym ‘Pronea East’ to hide his true identity, waiting until the right time to upstage Schapiro. Others became suspicious when they noticed West’s entire entourage parked on Arts Circle Drive. Shapiro commented afterward, “We’ll have to take steps in the future to ensure that security is tighter than it was today.”

President Obama had a much uncharacteristic reaction, calling West a “punk-ass bitch.” The rapper was quick to comment on this barb, saying, “I don’t care about Barack Obama. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Barack Obama doesn’t care about black people.”

“These new death panels,” Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, “will do great things for the American people. It will finally give government the power to decide who is worthy and who is not.” Cheney has volunteered to lead the death panels, calling himself “truly worthy” of such an important government position.

Most Republicans use the forthcoming death panels, which were totally included in the proposed legislation, as an example of the unconstitutional nature of the proposed reform. Cheney questions this argument. “Not in the Constitution? The Constitution can absolutely be interpreted in such a way that gives government the power to decide if someone lives or dies. If you ask me, we need to start using that power…I need to start using that power.”

Cheney says that once he is appointed Grand Master of the death panels, he will begin to rid the country of terrorists, the sick, the elderly, and anyone else he deems unworthy. “Basically,” explains Cheney, “anyone who fails the panel will have to go hunting with me, if you catch my drift.”

Mrs. Bush reported that her husband got off to a strong start, naming most of the early presidents and some more recent conservatives including Nixon, Reagan, and Ford. After getting 22 correct answers he hit a roadblock and was forced to give up.

“He was really upset that he missed both George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush,” explained Laura, “but he decided that 22 was good enough.” Aside from missing his father and himself, Bush had a couple close calls. He was able to remember William H. Taft’s real name after typing “that fat guy” for 2 minutes on end with no results. He also kept trying “that one who dropped the nucular bomb” for Harry S. Truman before remembering his name as well.

Despite these late catches, Bush did have some unfortunate misses. He reportedly asked his wife why the quiz didn’t accept “Jefferson Davis” for the president from 1861-5. Similarly, when Barack Obama’s name was revealed after Bush gave up, he quickly asked, “who?”

After his moderate success with the Presidents, Bush has decided to try some other quizzes. “The other day, he tried to name every member of his cabinet,” Mrs. Bush commented, “unfortunately, he only got 3 correct answers.”

The virus was released more than a week ago by a terrorist group who call themselves SWINE (Severely Witty Individuals Near Ecuador). Jack Bauer was on the case for twenty-four hours, but failed to stop the bio-weapon from being released into the atmosphere. “I did all that I could,” Jack Bauer told The Flipside. “I mean, I tortured a lot of people, broke the rules, you know, the usual. […] I guess I could have used a twenty-fifth or twenty-sixth hour, but that’s just not how it works.”

Mr. Bauer will pay for his actions. “This time,” noted President Obama, “when we indict him, he’ll actually go to jail. There’s no get out of jail free card in my administration.”

As for the Swine Flu itself, there is no telling what could happen. “We may have let this virus get out,” added Bauer, “but we can still fight it.” He urges everyone to wear medical facemasks. “Go online to buy your official 24 facemask today. I may have failed to stop the threat, but I’m still going to profit off of this.”