EVANSTON—Northwestern President Morton Schapiro’s convocation address to incoming freshmen was rudely interrupted when Kanye West barged onto the stage and interrupted the speech. The well-known rapper grabbed the microphone from Schapiro’s grip and spoke to the shocked group of freshmen. “I’ve seen crazy things before, but nothing quite like this,” commented freshman John Rennault, “Who would believe that someone as fly as Morton Schapiro would be interrupted in the middle of an address?”

After grabbing the mic, West did not waste time. “Morton,” he said, “I’m happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but Henry Bienen had one of the best convocation addresses of ALL TIME!” He then repeated “OF ALL TIME” once more before returning the mic to a speechless Schapiro and taking his seat once again.

Pick-Staiger employees are not sure how West was able to get a seat at an event reserved for Northwestern freshmen. One usher believes he used the pseudonym ‘Pronea East’ to hide his true identity, waiting until the right time to upstage Schapiro. Others became suspicious when they noticed West’s entire entourage parked on Arts Circle Drive. Shapiro commented afterward, “We’ll have to take steps in the future to ensure that security is tighter than it was today.”

President Obama had a much uncharacteristic reaction, calling West a “punk-ass bitch.” The rapper was quick to comment on this barb, saying, “I don’t care about Barack Obama. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Barack Obama doesn’t care about black people.”

WASINGTON—The former Vice-President has led an outspoken life after completing his second term in January. There is little doubt that he has been critical of the Democratic majority, particularly of President Obama’s decision to close Guantanamo Bay. He was heavily opposed to Obama’s new health care plan as well, until he learned of government “death panels.”

“These new death panels,” Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, “will do great things for the American people. It will finally give government the power to decide who is worthy and who is not.” Cheney has volunteered to lead the death panels, calling himself “truly worthy” of such an important government position.

Most Republicans use the forthcoming death panels, which were totally included in the proposed legislation, as an example of the unconstitutional nature of the proposed reform. Cheney questions this argument. “Not in the Constitution? The Constitution can absolutely be interpreted in such a way that gives government the power to decide if someone lives or dies. If you ask me, we need to start using that power…I need to start using that power.”

Cheney says that once he is appointed Grand Master of the death panels, he will begin to rid the country of terrorists, the sick, the elderly, and anyone else he deems unworthy. “Basically,” explains Cheney, “anyone who fails the panel will have to go hunting with me, if you catch my drift.”

Obama Considers ‘85 Bears Defense To Head Homeland Security

CRAWFORD, TX—Former President George W. Bush was described as “the happiest he’s been in years” Thursday after he successfully named 22 of the 44 U.S. Presidents on the popular trivia quiz site Sporcle. “George was strutting around the house, grinning like he won the lottery,” explained his wife Laura, “I haven’t seen him that happy since we got Saddam.”

Mrs. Bush reported that her husband got off to a strong start, naming most of the early presidents and some more recent conservatives including Nixon, Reagan, and Ford. After getting 22 correct answers he hit a roadblock and was forced to give up.

“He was really upset that he missed both George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush,” explained Laura, “but he decided that 22 was good enough.” Aside from missing his father and himself, Bush had a couple close calls. He was able to remember William H. Taft’s real name after typing “that fat guy” for 2 minutes on end with no results. He also kept trying “that one who dropped the nucular bomb” for Harry S. Truman before remembering his name as well.

Despite these late catches, Bush did have some unfortunate misses. He reportedly asked his wife why the quiz didn’t accept “Jefferson Davis” for the president from 1861-5. Similarly, when Barack Obama’s name was revealed after Bush gave up, he quickly asked, “who?”

After his moderate success with the Presidents, Bush has decided to try some other quizzes. “The other day, he tried to name every member of his cabinet,” Mrs. Bush commented, “unfortunately, he only got 3 correct answers.”

WASHINGTON—Jack Bauer has been busy. So busy, in fact, that he finally let one slip through his fingers. A terrorist cell in affiliation with a private company in association with a terrorist group helped and then destroyed by Tony Almeda only to be re-affiliated with Tony Almeda in connection with a rogue government agent has successfully released the deadly Swine flu into the general population. Jack Bauer, anti-terrorist extraordinaire, failed to save the U.S. from what could turn into a pandemic.

The virus was released more than a week ago by a terrorist group who call themselves SWINE (Severely Witty Individuals Near Ecuador). Jack Bauer was on the case for twenty-four hours, but failed to stop the bio-weapon from being released into the atmosphere. “I did all that I could,” Jack Bauer told The Flipside. “I mean, I tortured a lot of people, broke the rules, you know, the usual. […] I guess I could have used a twenty-fifth or twenty-sixth hour, but that’s just not how it works.”

Mr. Bauer will pay for his actions. “This time,” noted President Obama, “when we indict him, he’ll actually go to jail. There’s no get out of jail free card in my administration.”

As for the Swine Flu itself, there is no telling what could happen. “We may have let this virus get out,” added Bauer, “but we can still fight it.” He urges everyone to wear medical facemasks. “Go online to buy your official 24 facemask today. I may have failed to stop the threat, but I’m still going to profit off of this.”

WASHINGTON—After exchanging a handshake and what were described as “warm words” with Hugo Chavez, Barack Obama friended the Venezuelan president on Facebook yesterday. Obama described the move as “a step forward in American foreign policy.” Chavez was quick to accept the friend request, saying he was happy to finally get the respect he deserved from the American government. “All that Bush guy ever did was send me pokes. For crying out loud George, do you have any idea how annoying those things are?”

This new Facebook friendship has had many perks for citizens of both the U.S. and Venezuela. Obama invited Chavez to three groups: “World Peace”, “UN Leaders Around the Globe” and “If 5000 people join this group, I will run naked through the Federal Capitol in Caracas.” He was pleased to see that Chavez accepted all of the invitations, but was unhappy that Chavez rejected his invitation to an event entitled “Rager at the White House.” “A complete Facebook friendship won’t happen all at once,” noted Obama, “but each day that we remain Facebook friends is a good day for U.S. foreign policy.”

Perhaps the most heartwarming moment of the friendship came when Chavez posted his list of the “Top 5 Funniest Looking World Leaders”. His list included several prominent figures including Angela Merkel, Hu Jintao, and Barack Obama. Obama published a comment, “Rofl, nice list. Ur sooooo right about Merkel. I think ur on my list tho lol.”

Not everyone has had a positive reaction to the Facebook friendship. Almost immediately after Chavez accepted the request, he got a notification from Fidel Castro that the former Cuban dictator had changed their relationship status to “It’s Complicated”.