Obama Considers ‘85 Bears Defense To Head Homeland Security

CRAWFORD, TX—Former President George W. Bush was described as “the happiest he’s been in years” Thursday after he successfully named 22 of the 44 U.S. Presidents on the popular trivia quiz site Sporcle. “George was strutting around the house, grinning like he won the lottery,” explained his wife Laura, “I haven’t seen him that happy since we got Saddam.”

Mrs. Bush reported that her husband got off to a strong start, naming most of the early presidents and some more recent conservatives including Nixon, Reagan, and Ford. After getting 22 correct answers he hit a roadblock and was forced to give up.

“He was really upset that he missed both George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush,” explained Laura, “but he decided that 22 was good enough.” Aside from missing his father and himself, Bush had a couple close calls. He was able to remember William H. Taft’s real name after typing “that fat guy” for 2 minutes on end with no results. He also kept trying “that one who dropped the nucular bomb” for Harry S. Truman before remembering his name as well.

Despite these late catches, Bush did have some unfortunate misses. He reportedly asked his wife why the quiz didn’t accept “Jefferson Davis” for the president from 1861-5. Similarly, when Barack Obama’s name was revealed after Bush gave up, he quickly asked, “who?”

After his moderate success with the Presidents, Bush has decided to try some other quizzes. “The other day, he tried to name every member of his cabinet,” Mrs. Bush commented, “unfortunately, he only got 3 correct answers.”

WASHINGTON—Jack Bauer has been busy. So busy, in fact, that he finally let one slip through his fingers. A terrorist cell in affiliation with a private company in association with a terrorist group helped and then destroyed by Tony Almeda only to be re-affiliated with Tony Almeda in connection with a rogue government agent has successfully released the deadly Swine flu into the general population. Jack Bauer, anti-terrorist extraordinaire, failed to save the U.S. from what could turn into a pandemic.

The virus was released more than a week ago by a terrorist group who call themselves SWINE (Severely Witty Individuals Near Ecuador). Jack Bauer was on the case for twenty-four hours, but failed to stop the bio-weapon from being released into the atmosphere. “I did all that I could,” Jack Bauer told The Flipside. “I mean, I tortured a lot of people, broke the rules, you know, the usual. […] I guess I could have used a twenty-fifth or twenty-sixth hour, but that’s just not how it works.”

Mr. Bauer will pay for his actions. “This time,” noted President Obama, “when we indict him, he’ll actually go to jail. There’s no get out of jail free card in my administration.”

As for the Swine Flu itself, there is no telling what could happen. “We may have let this virus get out,” added Bauer, “but we can still fight it.” He urges everyone to wear medical facemasks. “Go online to buy your official 24 facemask today. I may have failed to stop the threat, but I’m still going to profit off of this.”

WASHINGTON—After exchanging a handshake and what were described as “warm words” with Hugo Chavez, Barack Obama friended the Venezuelan president on Facebook yesterday. Obama described the move as “a step forward in American foreign policy.” Chavez was quick to accept the friend request, saying he was happy to finally get the respect he deserved from the American government. “All that Bush guy ever did was send me pokes. For crying out loud George, do you have any idea how annoying those things are?”

This new Facebook friendship has had many perks for citizens of both the U.S. and Venezuela. Obama invited Chavez to three groups: “World Peace”, “UN Leaders Around the Globe” and “If 5000 people join this group, I will run naked through the Federal Capitol in Caracas.” He was pleased to see that Chavez accepted all of the invitations, but was unhappy that Chavez rejected his invitation to an event entitled “Rager at the White House.” “A complete Facebook friendship won’t happen all at once,” noted Obama, “but each day that we remain Facebook friends is a good day for U.S. foreign policy.”

Perhaps the most heartwarming moment of the friendship came when Chavez posted his list of the “Top 5 Funniest Looking World Leaders”. His list included several prominent figures including Angela Merkel, Hu Jintao, and Barack Obama. Obama published a comment, “Rofl, nice list. Ur sooooo right about Merkel. I think ur on my list tho lol.”

Not everyone has had a positive reaction to the Facebook friendship. Almost immediately after Chavez accepted the request, he got a notification from Fidel Castro that the former Cuban dictator had changed their relationship status to “It’s Complicated”.

WASHINGTON—This past week, with the capture and subsequent (successful) rebellion of the Maersk Alabama on the Horn of Africa against Somali pirates, President Obama pledged to fight piracy. He had decided to start with the notoriously “reckless” pirate, Jack Sparrow, aka Johnny Depp due to his flamboyant portrayals of piracy in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

Other targeted pirates include Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly, as their portrayal of piracy indicated that pirates have some sort of higher purpose. When pressed for more information on the subject matter, President Obama replied, “It is important that we show the American people that we are deadly serious about this piracy problem, and what better place to start than the three most illustrious pirates in America?”

The Flipside attempted to contact Depp when this news came out, but it turned out that had fled the country to the Cayman Islands. There, we believe that he plans to rendezvous with the rest of his crew and begin “to terrorize innocent people just trying to make a living.” The Flipside was able to contact Knightly, and she told us that Bloom wouldn’t be seen for another ten years due to his “work.” She, herself, has decided to join up with Depp, making all of President Obama’s claims to appear to be true.

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama has used a very hands on approach to try to revive the economy. He has, as promised in his campaign, attempted to remove agencies or institutions which are not operating efficiently or effectively. Last week, Obama forced General Motors C.E.O. Rick Wagoner to resign, citing that GM’s troubles were largely Wagoner’s fault. Obama’s control over GM did not stop with just its C.E.O.

Obama’s changes in office have been as specific as selecting new cars for his motorcade. He and the First Lady visited a Washington D.C. area GM dealer after returning from the G-20 Summit. “We were looking for something quaint,” says Michelle Obama. “Barack and I were ready to buy one of those new GMC Acadias. He wanted to get one that had a black interior and a white exterior, but I convinced him that black and black was the way to go.”

To the Obama’s dismay, the dealer was unable to locate the exact make and model they requested. “They had such specific requests on such short notice,” claims GM salesman Rick Mahogany. “I just couldn’t get what they were looking for in time. I’m only one man.”

President Obama is allergic to incompetence, so he fired the salesman on the spot, citing an executive order. His recent control over GM helped speed along the process. “I will be appointing a more efficient staff to the local dealership. Only if we work together and end inefficiency can we combat this global crisis.”

WASHINGTON—After learning that the disease often contracted in the spring, March Madness, was not covered in America’s health care plan for millions of citizens, President Obama decided action was necessary.

At a press conference earlier today, The President addressed the issue, “This is a serious problem. We need to change the system. I know this disease affects real folks, myself included, and it is important to make this a priority.”

March Madness is an extremely contagious disease, most prevalent in males. Side effects include painting your face and body, insanity, and a tendency to neglect bodily functions. It is extremely dangerous because there is a new strain every year, making the disease even more unpredictable.

President Obama moved this issue to the top of his priority list, having already begun to draft a bill fixing the issue. The bill will stipulate that all citizens have the right to a March Madness treatment called “There’s always next year.” He is also expected to include a clause granting him unlimited re-do’s on his bracket.