THE KEG, no wait, A FRATERNITY’S BASEMENT, no wait, fuck it, I have no idea where I am – At 2:32 on Monday, Evanston Mayor Elizabeth Tisdahl removed the liquor license from the Keg of Evanston and destroyed everything that was good about humanity. Tisdale cited selling alcohol to minors and the devil’s current possession of her body as reasons for her actions.

“Evanston would be just fine without Northwestern,” Tisdahl probably said during her press conference. “And since I’ve solved all the city’s other problems, especially theft, I felt it was time to shut down the Keg.”

The arthritic Evanston populace applauded Tisdahl’s decision, raising their catheters into the air in celebration. Now the city is safe, they chanted. Now I can let my grandchildren walk the street at 3 a.m., they chanted.

Somebody pass me a goddamn rum and coke.

“We were completely ready to step up our regulations and require two forms of paper or plastic identification,” said Tom Migon, former Keg owner and now homeless man who sits outside of CVS. “If we were the 9th-best college bar in the country, just imagine what going to a bar outside the top ten would be like.”

What the hell is going on? Where am I? Why does this place not feel like I’m walking through the streets of Hong Kong, but sweatier? Why isn’t there such a long wait for the bathroom that people are pissing in plastic cups? Where is the dance floor full of nerds pretending to live it up at college by randomly making out with people they cannot see?

Did they even serve alcohol at the Keg?

If there are typos, I don’t even care if I get a Medill F anymore. What reason do I have to go to Northwestern?

“We are going to address this issue and blah blah blah,” Dean of students Howard Burgwell said. I mean, what do they want from us? What am I supposed to do?

Fuck this. Now I’m going to have to buy a better fake ID.

EVANSTON—To the delight of her family, missing senior citizen Winifred Leibowitz reappeared on Wednesday when she wandered into the lobby of Elder Residential Community. She was not let back up into the dorm rooms because she did not have a valid Wildcard.

Mrs. Leibowitz says she mistook Elder Residential Community, the newly renovated North Campus dormitory, for the assisted living community her children had suggested she make her new residence. “I just saw all the darling children and assumed they were visiting their grandmothers and grandfathers around the home, so I moved right in!” Mrs. Leibowitz explained. “It just seemed like such a lively place with all the bright youngsters running around at all hours of the day and night. Such mishegas!”

Mrs. Leibowitz’s roommate, Hannah Goyish, was a bit taken aback on move-in day when she found that her roommate was approximately the same age as her own grandmother. “At first I was a little unsure, especially because I thought I had a single, but she’s turned out to be a great roommate!” Hannah gushed. “She makes a damn good brisket, and she’s always asleep when I get back so I never have to explain to her where I’ve been all night. I’m actually pretty sad she won’t be my roomie anymore.”

Due to the mix-up, Northwestern officials are considering changing the name of the dorm building in order to make a more clear distinction between freshmen residential options and the assisted living communities in the area. For now, however, the focus is on providing a smooth transition for Mrs. Leibowitz from Elder to the assisted living community.

“I don’t mean to kvetch, but oy, the men here are schmucks compared to the ones at Elder!” Mrs. Leibowitz told Flipside as she schlepped her going-out-clothes and her secret stash of Absolut from her old home to her new one.

EVANSTON—Today, Evanston Whole Foods manager Mickey McGonnell announced that Whole Foods will cease operations effective immediately and will begin the transition towards becoming a retirement home. The move was made after a 3-month analysis of Evanston Whole Foods customers concluded that 90% are over the age of 65.

“I mean come on, look around” McGonnell said. “This store has more canes and walkers per capita than anywhere outside of Florida. And that old-people smell was starting to contaminate our products”. According to the general manager, Whole Foods tried to attract new customers with special deals and promotions but has found little success.

“Well, yeah, we tried deals, but we’re still Whole Foods. We have to maintain our sterling reputation we have built over the years,” the GM told The Flipside. “If we didn’t charge obscene prices for the same types of products you could get at Jewel, then we would no longer be the highest quality grocery store in the land! And those organic labels are actually quite expensive. Wait, what was the question?”

The Flipside then asked again about the failed special deals. “We did try to offer 10% off for college students because I think there is a university pretty close to our store, but our computers crashed when we tried to enter in the reduced prices. I don’t think they can handle discounts. So then we offered a special microwaved pizza slice for $7.50 only for college students. Surprisingly, the offer did not gain a lot of popularity.”

As a result of these failures to diversify their clientele, Whole Foods will begin the transition to a senior home soon. Since many of the elderly customers visit the store multiple times per day, 17-year-old cashier Veronica Billows doesn’t believe the change will be too difficult. “I already know many of the customers very well by now. They’re my grannies and grampies. Now they can just live here instead of having to travel back and forth between the store and their homes. We already have everything they will need here: Back to Nature wafers for breakfast, organic goat cheese for lunch, and some organic salmon with antioxidant shea butter for dinner! Plus, we can give them Celestial Seasonings’ Sleepytime Vanilla Tea before they go to sleep. It will be great.”

Whole Foods Evanston will be rebranded Wholesome Lifeways and has already announced its fees for residents: a $5 hourly living rate and $10 per meal. Each senior will be given one free Gojilania Goji and Mangosteen Juice Blend per day.