COPENHAGEN—Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich announced today that Chicago’s fourth-place finish in the 2016 Olympic selection process was actually a preconceived scheme to sell the Olympics to the highest bidder.

“I’ve got these Olympics, and they’re fucking golden,” explained Blagojevich. “Almost as golden as a vacant senate seat…or my haircut.” Blagojevich went on to explain his reasoning behind the seemingly ingenious plan. “Chicago sports fans are used to waiting for things,” said the ex-governor. “I mean, look at the Cubs. They haven’t won the World Series in over 100 years. In any other city, people would start following soccer.” The city, says Blagojevich, has the patience to wait at least another four years, if not another four decades.

César Maia, mayor of Rio de Janeiro, the winning city, refused to acknowledge the purchase to The Flipside’s reporters. “There’s no evidence of corruption here in Rio. Our politics are as clean as our streets. Make sure you put something in your article about how no one gets kidnapped here. Crime in Rio is just an urban legend.” It seems obvious that Blagojevich speaks the truth. Chicago’s elimination in the first round of the voting process reeks of corruption, as does the fact that Rio de Janeiro is already hosting the World Cup in 2014.

“I didn’t just give this up for fucking nothing,” added Blagojevich. In return, Chicago has purchased one of the world’s largest festivals, known as “Carnaval.” Rio may have the summer Games in 2016, but the city of Chicago will be partying down Michigan Avenue twice a year for seemingly no reason. And you people thought traffic was going to suck because of the Olympics. Shame on you.

CHICAGO—The International Olympic Committee’s (IOC) five day tour of the city was cut short late Sunday evening. Members began arriving on Thursday at Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport and were welcomed by a colorful display of 2016 Olympic banners and flags.

Mayor Daley was on hand for the IOC’s arrival. “We’ve been planning this for a long time. We have to put a lot of time and money into this; we’ll try to impress the [committee] as much as possible. It will pay off in the long run.”

Daley’s plan was to showcase the city from its beginning, while staying away from “certain areas.” The tour started with some of the buildings that survived the Great Chicago Fire and continued downtown. The group proceeded to look at many of Chicago’s sports and theater venues before heading north.

The IOC was scheduled to see Wrigleyville on Sunday. The group, however, insisted that it had yet to see what Chicago’s south side had to offer. “I did everything I could to persuade them that seeing that side of town was unnecessary,” noted Daley. “They insisted…unfortunately.”

The committee members arrived on Chicago’s south side in the early afternoon and were on their respective planes by the early evening. “We saw a lot of things,” said one IOC member. “Really, too many things. Lots of despair and, well, sadness. I can’t have the entire Olympic community, the world for that matter, frolicking in these streets. 2016 isn’t happening in Chicago, that’s for sure.”

Mayor Daley plans to annex the south side of Chicago to the state of Indiana. Hopefully, says Daley, Chicago will be half as big and then that half will get to host the Olympics. Legislation is currently underway.