Winter’s Bone: 2/4 star-shaped pasties

Winter’s Bone tells the story of a teenage girl trying to find her daddy to save her house. Yeah, thats right, who’s your daddy, girl. Great start. Then some shit happens and a cop comes. This is where you expect it to start getting heavy, right? Nope! Instead of ripping off his uniform and taking her “downtown,” he just warns her that her dad needs to show up to court. 

Ok, so when’s the winter bone going to happen? 

She walks around the neighbors house and finds some fat old neighbors. Is this it? Nope, they just tell her to get off their lawn.

So now they’ve set it up all nice and good waiting for the titular bone. What comes next? She throws on two more sweaters; that’s three more than you really want her to be wearing.

Ok, so now comes the dangerous part where there’s four guys and her. They beat her around a little bit (not my style, but you know they have to appeal to everyone’s tastes) and tie her up. Then her uncle comes… and that’s where I drew the line. Bondage? OK. Incest? No way. The only type of incest I can handle is Incest-ption. That shit blew my mind, and some other organs as well.

Towards the end of this hour-and-a-half-long movie she finally starts taking some clothes off to fish some crap out of a lake. She even rolls her sleeves up, hot damn! She grabs a human hand or something… and the movie ends.

In my opinion, the filmmakers definitely focused too much on the “winter” and not enough on the “bone.” Still, should it win Best Picture? Does it have Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman making out? The answer is no.

EVANSTON—Northwestern University has a long tradition of great journalism. The Daily Northwestern and North by Northwestern are models of professionalism and journalistic excellence. Yet there is one publication that is an embarrassment to the Northwestern community, journalism, paper, its staff, and their mothers: The Northwestern Flipside.

To be blunt, The Flipside is a joke. The writing is a shameless mockery of the journalistic style that we as Northwestern students have come to expect. It’s like a bunch of people just sit around and come up with bullshit ideas and then turn them loose on the university disguised as relevant news. Never once has The Flipside provided an accurate and unbiased account of the news, nor has its editorial staff provided meaningful and well-reasoned opinions on today’s pressing issues.

Claims that NU tour guides are unreliable and that those who try to go home are re-educated in the sub-basements of Tech are so clearly fictional that they would be amusing if they weren’t so embarrassing. Not once has The Flipside interviewed a real person, unless there is someone named Area Man who carries a grudge against good journalism. Entire issues of The Flipside are so frivolous as to make Anderson Cooper weep. Medill F, Northwestern Flipside. Medill F.

This article is not satirical, it’s factual. April Fool’s!