TAMPA—Northwestern Wildcat fans everywhere were given bad news today as they learned that the 8-4 football team has backed out of the Outback Bowl. The decision was made following Coach Pat Fitzgerald’s call to sit 3 running backs out of the game. “With all our backs out, we have no choice but to back out of the Outback bowl,” Fitzgerald said in a New Year’s Day press release.

One NU running back was ruled out after he got lost inside the parking garage behind Northwestern’s Tampa hotel. A second accidentally traveled to Australia, taking the bowl’s name a little too literally. A third ruptured a disk during practice the day before the game. “We have a sticky running back situation,” said Fitzgerald, “one back is out back, another back is out in the Outback, and a third back threw out his back the day before the Outback.”

Fitzgerald explained that although going to Tampa for nothing was hard on his team, there is still hope. “We went out to the Outback and back, but don’t count us out. We’ll be back.” He then dismissed the reporters to attend the postseason barbecue by saying, “As for questions, when you’re out, there’s baby back out back. Don’t hold back, pig out!”

Northwestern hopes that if they cannot return to the Outback Bowl, that they will at least make the Insight bowl in Phoenix. “The Insight is in sight,” said Fitzgerald, “but only if we incite sightings of great play.”