CHICAGO – At a special gathering reserved for close friends and family, Chicagoland fixture Jakob Steinberg (of high-powered law firm Steinberg, Steinberg, and Bergstein) was blessed with the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to watch his future trophy wife take her first steps.

10-month-old Sophie Czerwinska, the young lady in question, was reportedly enamored with the 46-year-old lawyer, who has been close friends with her father Victor since grade school and has been having an affair with Victor’s wife Elaine for the past 14 years.

“It was love at first sight!” Steinberg exclaimed giddily from his penthouse office. “She just has this… spark… and this energy that I haven’t had in my life since her mother turned 30! Forget about my icy bitch of a wife!” Steinberg laughed, referring to his doting wife Anne, a Ph.D. in fine art and the mother of his three children.

“True,” Steinberg conceded, “Sophie’s tastes may be slightly unrefined, she may be a babbling idiot, and she may burst into tears whenever she doesn’t get her way, but God help me, she’s just so cute!”

Despite the presence of a binding Non-Disclosure Agreement, documents obtained exclusively by the Northwestern Flipside detail a Notice of Intent, sent by Steinberg to Victor Czerwinska listing the confidential details of his future courtship. In exchange for Sophie’s hand in marriage, Steinberg has promised:

• Not to make advances upon Sophie Czerwinska until “well after her fourteenth birthday”.
• To refrain from disclosing any information of a personal nature obtained from dealings with Elaine Czerwinska including, but not limited to, the size of Victor Czerwinska’s penis.

As the Czerwinska’s reception wound to a close, Anne Steinberg was asked how she felt about her husband’s blossoming relationship with the young girl.

“I hardly see her as a threat,” Anne stated simply. “My relationship with Jakob has the force of true love to back it, and I know that no man in his right mind would give up demonstrated intelligence and true depth of character for such blatant vapidity, even if she is 45 years younger than me.”

“I only hope that spending some time with Sophie will encourage Jakob to spend more time with our children!”

“Shut up, Anne,” Steinberg added, posing for photos with Sophie as his wife nervously sipped at her fourth glass of wine.

CHICAGO—This week, Sesame Street, which brought America wonderful things like “The Letter W” and “The Number 9,” is over the hill. The beloved television program planned to celebrate its 40th birthday with cake and parties until Sharon Kim began to questions its involvement with children.

“It’s just not right, a 40-year-old playing with children in dark alleyways,” stated the mother of three. Kim’s comments have drawn interest from parent organizations all over the country, and Rep. Barney Frank (D-Mass.) has called for a federal investigation.

The middle-aged program has been linked to disturbing involvement with millions of unsuspecting children. Some of the allegations against the show have been pretty alarming. It is purported that children were asked to “tickle Elmo,” a phrase that has repeatedly come up during debriefings. Authorities can only guess at its meaning.

Ernie, who stars in a segment of the show along with his life-partner Bert, was quoted as saying “[these children] make bath-time so much fun.” Said Kim: “It’s ridiculous: children have been inside [Sesame Street’s] bedroom, with two men no less.”

In related news, Sesame Street’s treatment of its workers is being thrown under scrutiny as well after it became public that one of the show’s characters is living in a garbage can.