PALO ALTO, CA – Following a billion-dollar acquisition of popular photo-sharing app Instagram, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has announced a complete overhaul of Facebook’s user interface featuring Instagram’s characteristic “vintage” filters. The new interface will be launched without any warning to users within the next week.
“This may be the biggest re-design we’ve ever done,” Zuckerberg declared from Facebook’s Palo Alto headquarters. “Expect some major Instagram integration in the coming days. Like pictures of lakes at sunset? There’s gonna be a metric fuck-ton of those.” Other highlights include an anticipated glut of black-and-white cat photos, baby photos, and half-assed “studios” put together by that kid you knew in middle school who’s now begging you to like his “beats.”
Facebook also unveiled a new suite of tools aimed at the less tech-minded. Users inexperienced with Instagram will be able to easily customize their profile pictures with preset options “Emo,” “Swagggg,” or “Smug Douche Who Wants You to Know He Has an iPhone.”
“These new tools allow users to ‘bare their souls’ through photos staged and edited to within an inch of their lives,” Zuckerberg claimed. “Widespread Instagram uptake will ensure that the next time your friend stops for a picture of a scenic bridge, you throw either his smartphone or him over the railing rather than indulge the narcissistic tendencies of a self-professed ‘photographer’ who’s never made it all the way through a proper photo gallery.”
Instagram’s acquisition has so far been welcomed by the online community, except for the 40 million current Instagram members who will never again use the service now that their favorite “indie” app (that requires an Apple- or Google-branded smartphone) is associated with a major corporation.
Legal Disclaimer: By reading this or any other news report mentioning the Instagram buy-out, you hereby allow Facebook to smother your photos with so much contrast and sepia that they look like shitty ads for Levi’s jeans.