EVANSTON—Northwestern President Morton Schapiro’s convocation address to incoming freshmen was rudely interrupted when Kanye West barged onto the stage and interrupted the speech. The well-known rapper grabbed the microphone from Schapiro’s grip and spoke to the shocked group of freshmen. “I’ve seen crazy things before, but nothing quite like this,” commented freshman John Rennault, “Who would believe that someone as fly as Morton Schapiro would be interrupted in the middle of an address?”

After grabbing the mic, West did not waste time. “Morton,” he said, “I’m happy for you, and I’mma let you finish, but Henry Bienen had one of the best convocation addresses of ALL TIME!” He then repeated “OF ALL TIME” once more before returning the mic to a speechless Schapiro and taking his seat once again.

Pick-Staiger employees are not sure how West was able to get a seat at an event reserved for Northwestern freshmen. One usher believes he used the pseudonym ‘Pronea East’ to hide his true identity, waiting until the right time to upstage Schapiro. Others became suspicious when they noticed West’s entire entourage parked on Arts Circle Drive. Shapiro commented afterward, “We’ll have to take steps in the future to ensure that security is tighter than it was today.”

President Obama had a much uncharacteristic reaction, calling West a “punk-ass bitch.” The rapper was quick to comment on this barb, saying, “I don’t care about Barack Obama. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: Barack Obama doesn’t care about black people.”

Dear The Northwestern Flipside,

Mitch Skillman

Dear Mitch,

I’m glad you asked, as there are a lot of really cool places where really cool people hang out and do really cool stuff. For instance, there is a popular vampire-themed dance club in the 28th sub-basement of Tech. Don’t worry, it has nothing to do with Twilight, many engineers simply find that long hours in Tech tend to instill a fear of the sun they haven’t seen in years and a taste for the blood of humanities majors.

For those looking for an older, more experienced crowd, Pick-Staiger includes a swingers club which is run in conjunction with the Northshore Retirement Hotel. Also not to be underestimated is the Cliff Diving Club, which meets on the lakefill at 2:00 on Wednesday mornings. While it is true that nothing even slightly resembling a cliff can be seen within miles of the lakefill, it’s certainly entertaining to watch them try.

Finally, for the truly adventurous, the nightly orgies on the roof of Slivka are not to be missed, especially in January. And you wondered why they never go outside.

EVANSTON—To the profound joy of the local senior community, the North Shore Retirement Hotel announced its acquisition of Northwestern’s Pick-Staiger Concert Hall yesterday. North Shore proprietor Bernie Segal explained his decision today in a heavily-attended press conference at Pick-Staiger. “It just seemed like the logical choice,” said Segal. “All of my residents were spending every evening at Pick-Staiger, so now we can save on transportation costs and give our residents the convenience they’ve been demanding.”

When asked about the takeover, North Shore resident and Pick-Staiger regular Ethel Murphy expressed her resounding enthusiasm. “This will finally keep the five young people who keep showing up to my concerts away for good!” said Murphy.

The most striking of Segal’s plans for the concert hall is the intended conversion of the upper balcony to senior housing units. “My residents always complain about how hard it is to hear the music from the balcony anyway,” says Segal. Additionally, the student ushers and sound designers will be replaced by residents.

The recent takeover will have ramifications beyond the local senior community. The inevitable question facing the Northwestern community is whether there will be a place for students to go after the annexation of the University’s most popular music venue. When asked about the acquisition of Pick-Staiger by North Shore, Weinberg Sophomore Kyle Howard expressed his bewilderment. “Pick what?! Isn’t that a museum or something?”

Clearly, the future of Pick-Staiger has been permanently affected. The Northwestern and Evanston communities will have to make extensive changes to their lifestyles to face the new reality of the North Shore Retirement Concert Hall.