This article was written by Aden Daar, a Somali villager.

I was rummaging through the town landfill this morning, looking for some food for today’s meal, when I came across a copy of last week’s New York Times. I saw an article describing how Americans were sad. It said something about rising gas prices, unemployment, a government in disagreement, etc etc etc etc etc.

Let me tell you something, America. CHEER UP!

Who am I, you might ask, to order you to cheer up? Well, America, allow me to tell you a bit about myself. My name is Aden Daar. I live in Somalia. But – perhaps statistics will be more illuminating. I live in a village of 1,000 people. The average size of a house is one room, and the average size of a room is 100 square feet. The average number of inhabitants per room is 12. The average number of calories consumed per week is 300. The average work week is 100 hours. And the average income is $0.

Sometimes I wonder why the government doesn’t help us, with welfare or a stimulus package or something. Then I remember – we have no government. My country is called a “failed state.” The highest government position the average Somali can hope to hold is “pirate.”

I work at a stone quarry. I bang stones with other stones to try to collect stones to sell to rich overlords as gravel for their lawns. I don’t really get paid. I’m supposed to, but I think my employer is dead. I’m not sure.

The commute is 30 miles. I wish I could drive but I don’t have a car, and even if I did have a car, there aren’t any gas stations. And even if there were gas stations, I’m sure there wouldn’t be any gas.

The Times article says you guys perceive your economy as getting worse. Well, let me close with this: at least you have an economy. Americans, it could always be worse.

PITTSBURGH—The Opening Week of the 2010 baseball season has just come to a close and ESPN has already sapped the suspense out of it. Using advanced saber metrics and years of compiled data to analyze and project the opening week of this season, ESPN has already crowned the Pittsburgh Pirates as its projected World Series winner based on early performance.

According to renowned Baseball Tonight analyst Peter Gammons, “If you look at the numbers, it’s obvious. Based on their young talent, recent victories over the Los Angeles Dodgers and impressive 28-17 record in games played where the temperature is precisely 62 degrees and the President’s first name starts with letter B in the month of May, the Pirates are a lock.

Another analyst, John Kruk, adds, “If you haven’t heard of starting pitching sensation Ross Ohlendhorf, you will in the coming weeks.”

Although the Pirates are slated to be World Series Champions, the season is not lost for everyone. Albert Pujols is the expected National League MVP and is on pace to hit a mind-blowing 92 homers this year. Pujols has a batting average of .400 when he plays teams that start with a vowel and the count is 2 and 2. Johann Santana also has a projected ERA of 0.37 and is a shoe in for the Cy Young Award.

With all of the key components of the 2010 Season decided, ESPN is already warming up the Hot Stove for 2011 and beyond. According to Baseball Tonight host Karl Ravech, the Washington Nationals are the team that will fly under the radar in 2017. “You’ve gotta keep your eye on the high school talent,” Ravech says.

WASHINGTON—This past week, with the capture and subsequent (successful) rebellion of the Maersk Alabama on the Horn of Africa against Somali pirates, President Obama pledged to fight piracy. He had decided to start with the notoriously “reckless” pirate, Jack Sparrow, aka Johnny Depp due to his flamboyant portrayals of piracy in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

Other targeted pirates include Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly, as their portrayal of piracy indicated that pirates have some sort of higher purpose. When pressed for more information on the subject matter, President Obama replied, “It is important that we show the American people that we are deadly serious about this piracy problem, and what better place to start than the three most illustrious pirates in America?”

The Flipside attempted to contact Depp when this news came out, but it turned out that had fled the country to the Cayman Islands. There, we believe that he plans to rendezvous with the rest of his crew and begin “to terrorize innocent people just trying to make a living.” The Flipside was able to contact Knightly, and she told us that Bloom wouldn’t be seen for another ten years due to his “work.” She, herself, has decided to join up with Depp, making all of President Obama’s claims to appear to be true.