By Tommy Schapiro

Foster-Walker Complex–East Side: ★ ★ ★ ★

Hi guys! My name is Tommy and I’m so excited to be your Special Middle School Dining Hall Reviewer. A special thanks to The Flipside for doing my homework for me and for the free lunch. I told my Uncle Morty that you guys definitely deserve more money.

Anyways, I guess I should start talking about the restaraunt now? Wow, that’s a hard word to spell. Restorant? Restaurant? Got it. I think.

The food at Foster-Walker Complex, or as you called it, Plex, was SO GOOD. Like, totally. There were four different kinds of pizza! At school we only get one kind, and it tastes like cardboard and is covered with grease. Plex’s pizza was hot (mostly), not too greasy, and served on a spinning heater rack thing, which was really cool. So that’s my most highest recommended entrée.

There seemed to be some kind of stir-fry bar, but I didn’t try it because the line was really long and there were too many vegetables.

This needs to be 300 words, you said? That’s a lot. What else can I write about?

Oh, right! Beverages! They had so many kinds of soda! I combined Root Beer and Sprite and Lemonade and it was delicious. I’m so tired of having milk every day for lunch so it’s great that Plex has this kind of variety, and gives diners the freedom to mix beverages as they please. My parents took me to this terrible restaurant downtown last week, The Purple Pig I think it was called, which was so boring. We had to wait forever for our food, and my parents wouldn’t let me mix kinds of soda when I ordered. Plex is so much better, it’s fast and you can serve yourself.

And last but not least, desserts. Plex had a great selection of desserts. The chocolate cake was nasty, it was called Virgin or something, but the cookies were good, especially with ice cream on top. I tried the soft serve and the Edy’s and both were excellent.

So in conclusion, Plex was a fantastic dining hall. It had fantastic service (self-serve), good pizza, and delicious desserts (notice my alliteration please). I give it 4 stars (out of 5.7).

The End.

Dillo Day. It’s that time of year in late May when it may or may not be snowing. The free pizza tastes great, but so does all the other shit you may or may not have eaten. One thing is so certain that even Heisenberg wouldn’t question you: if you are from around here, you’ll see all those people from high school you thought you’d never see again. You know, the kids who don’t know who Heisenberg is.

They’ll act all surprised to see you, which is strange because you go to Northwestern. You’ll say it’s nice to see you too and regret not sneaking in alcohol taped to your uppermost, innermost thigh like your friend did. (Friend. An interesting word, no? I think friend can be defined as someone you would be happy to see on Dillo Day.)

Then they’ll want to know where the alcohol is. You are stuck like a freshman scared of jaywalking on Sheridan. Of course you know where alcohol is, that is an inane question. It is Dillo Day. But you don’t want to lie. You’ve already lied once by saying you’re happy to see these numbskulls. You’re worried about karma — and unlike that kid from your high school, you still have finals.

You sigh. “Yeah,” you say, “just go up to the SigEp house and say Morty Shapiro sent you.”

You part ways. The spring returns to your step as you realize that if Nelly couldn’t ruin Dillo Day, your loser classmates don’t have a chance.

SKOKIE, IL—They said it was impossible. Well, believe it! Yesterday, parents of the Skokie eight-and-under Little Leaguers witnessed a feat once thought to be unreachable. In a stunning four inning 25 to 23 nail-biter, the Cubs upset the heavily favored Athletics to capture their first World Series title in 101 years.

There’s usually no crying in baseball, but there are exceptions, especially when the conversation involves the Cubs. “When I found out I was on the Cubs this season,” explained seven year old Sam Sklare, “I started crying. The Cubs just never win. I wanted to be on a winning team.”

Many have speculated about the reason this popular franchise had gone so long without winning it all. “Whenever someone’s parents brought Kool Aid for the team snack,” second baseman Steven McMahon told Flipside reporters, “we would always lose. I think that had something to do with it.” Other theories include old man Barnaby’s black dog running across the field in 1969, denying a pet kangaroo entrance to the diamond in 1945, and Brett Eli’s stupid little sister reaching for a foul ball down the left field line in 2003. These theories are happily being put to rest.

It was a thrilling game on a cool Saturday morning. The Cubs’ starting pitcher went 2/3 of an inning, giving up thirteen runs on two hits, eleven walks, and thirteen errors. “[Zach Singer] gave us a great start. He almost threw two consecutive strikes,” noted Coach Dave. The Cubs rallied against the Athletics bullpen late in the bottom of the fourth until the game was stopped due to time constraints. A slow ground ball off the glove of the Athletics’ third baseman, subsequent throwing error by the Athletics’ left fielder, and a catching error by the Athletics’ catcher proved to be the difference.

“Coach Dave took us out for pizza afterwards,” added the Cubs’ right fielder. “I wanted to go to Disney World, but pizza is good too, I guess.” One of the two game baseballs will go directly to Cooperstown.

One of the team fathers told The Flipside at the game’s conclusion that “the coaching staff tipped off the umpire before the game. It’s amazing what a thirteen-year-old will do for twenty bucks.” Nonetheless, this is indeed a day for celebration.