EVANSTON — Police officer Bob Hankervich went to the frat quad this previous Saturday night to investigate reports of underage drinking. As he walked up the stairs to the frat in question, Tappa Tappa Keg junior George Kerry got ready to deny another dweeb.

The cop approached Kerry assuming he would step aside, but instead he stood firmly in front of the door and offered a “what’s up bro?” with an introductory head nod.

According to Northwestern Police records, Hankervich responded, “There were some reports of underage drinking in here so I’m here to check it out.”

“I mean obviously we throw down,” Kerry answered. “Do you have a text from a brother?”

“Uhhh, actually I have a call from a concerned Evanston resident,” said Officer Hankervich.

Reports indicate that Kerry was not having it. “Look bro, I knew you were a GDI the moment you got to the door. I don’t know who told you this was a themed party but I don’t quite see where you’re going with this cop outfit. Maybe if you had a good ratio I would’ve considered letting you in, but you didn’t show up with a single girl. I’m sorry bro but it’s just not happening tonight.”

Witnesses told The Flipside that Hankervic, astonished by the harsh rejection he had just received, forgot about his professional duties and stepped away from the frat house rager.

Officer Hankervich later tried to bust three more frat parties, attempting to boost his confidence, but instead was told he should “fuck off and go to NU Nights or something.”

Consequently, NU Nights was shut down for the first time ever. However, reports say that the four students at NU Nights were actually thankful this happened because this incident was the coolest thing that’s happened to them in a while.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Following a sprawling, state-wide search for former policeman and army reservist Christopher Dorner (in which the alleged killer is believed to have perished in a cabin fire) anxious LAPD officers opened fire on a pot roast in a butcher’s display window that officers mistook for the former suspect. Despite firing over 50 shells at the pre-cooked beef dish, officers did not manage to hit their target once, instead injuring 10 customers deeper within the shop. Thankfully, no deaths occurred.

Police spokesmen defended the officers’ actions, claiming that the pot roast had been behaving in a suspicious manner and matched the suspect’s current description at first glance.

“Make no mistake about it; Chris Dorner is a savage thug and a threat to the safety of our fair city,” said Police Lieutenant Jeremy Wilkins, “and we will spare no expense or restraint in tracking down-“

A collection of gunshots reverberated through the precinct; a rookie beat cop had mistaken the 60-year-old, white Wilkins for Dorner and opened fire without hesitation. All three shots hit the ceiling.

Police officials present opted not to discipline the officer, who, upon recovering a side-arm, exclaimed “HOLY SHIT IT’S DORNER!” and trained his sights on a female, Asian NBC reporter. Thankfully, the weapon’s safety was on, was unloaded, and was actually a NERF gun.

The citizenry of Los Angeles have reacted with dismay to the events of the past week, unsure where best to direct their fury: the psychopath who allegedly murdered four innocent people and injured more, the incompetent police force who clearly had no intention of bringing him in alive, or a fucking moronic segment of the general population who seem determined to make a folk hero out of a mentally unstable cop-killer.

As of press time, media reports indicate that the LAPD has been forced to burn down the butcher’s shop, as the pot roast has obstinately refused to surrender peacefully.

EVANSTON – Following assignment postings for EPD and campus security personnel in anticipation of 2012 Dillo Day events, Evanston police officer Eric Mills, 29, expressed regret that he would not be stationed at the Lakefill for the Reel Big Fish performance.

“I mean, yeah, Cold War Kids are alright and all,” Mills reportedly told his supervisor, “but Cheer Up! was one of my favorite albums back when I was in college. And I can’t think of any better way to relive those concert memories than by being a total dick to current students like my campus police was once to me!”

Mills, an avid music fan, has always looked forward to his Dillo Day assignment. During the 2011 festivities, Mills broke up a fight between three ETHS students who snuck into the show, but opted not to make any arrests because he didn’t want to miss the end of The New Pornographers’ set.

“I’d be fine with the SPAC parking lot,” Mills further explained. “I could at least hear the show and pretend I was there, but the Bobb courtyard? Really? Between breaking up fights, getting aid for dangerously drunk students, and preventing high-schoolers from sneaking in, you’ve got me checking colored wristbands? It’s Bobb! What’s left to fucking steal?”

Unfortunately for Mills, the final updated schedule has revealed that his request for assignment transfer was denied. As one of Evanston’s Finest, however, Mills has stated that he will accept this outcome with maturity and dignity.

“I’m just gonna serve my hours like every other officer at Dillo Day; seething with thinly-veiled resentment and looking for any excuse to write students up.”

ABBOTTABAD, PAKISTAN – Insurgents everywhere were shocked to hear of the death of hardworking everyman Osama bin Laden, who was gunned down in the line of duty on Sunday just one week before his retirement. His peers remember him as a blue-collar, tough fundamentalist who shouldn’t have insisted on performing one last jihad before hanging up his sandals for the final time.

“Everyone at the compound loved him,” lamented Ayman al-Zawahiri, who served for many years as bin Laden’s partner, “Every morning he brought two dozen falafel to the office. It always brightened everyone’s day. We’re sad to see him pass on so close to his retirement.”

Al-Zawahiri tried to prevent bin Laden from his regular reconnaissance, but the wanted criminal insisted. “Come on, he told me,” the militant explained, “’What’s the worst that could happen? One week from now I’ll be in Cabo working on my tan. I just feel I owe this department one more round of duty, you know?’ I wish I had known, so I could have stopped him.” An American sniper first aimed at al-Zawahiri, but bin Laden pushed him out of the way and took the bullet. “It was a brave act,” said the new Al-Qaeda leader, “and just goes to show how gosh-darn selfless Osama was.”

The card that all of bin Laden’s fellow terrorists signed for his retirement party had to be quickly edited; it currently hangs in the Al-Qaeda break room as a makeshift vigil, on which coworkers have placed items symbolic of their relationships with the radical insurgent, including food wrappers, packs of smokes, and at least one Furby. “He always had a weakness for Furbies,” explained a teary eyed al-Zawahiri, “he used to…used to…oh I can’t take it anymore.”

Al-Zawahiri, 59, just ordered the last piece for his life-size model railroad. It is expected to arrive in two weeks. “Every morning I wait excitedly for the mailman to come. Barring any unforeseen circumstances, my life’s work will be complete very soon.”

EVANSTON – Keeping with the historically progressive nature of the Evanston government, the police department issued a new technique to limit public unrest: the brothel-lizer.

The brothel-lizer is an oblong white tube inserted anally to check for brothel residue.

“I might not be a proctologist,” said deputy chief Victor Rudo, “but working at the police department has given me plenty of experience fucking kids up the ass.”

“Metaphorically,” he added.

Evanston officials are considering the addition of a volunteer brothel-lizing department. Several high ranking Northwestern faculty members have suggested they are ready and willing to serve.

Not everyone is happy with the brothel-lizer. Northwestern students are up in arms over the risk they pose to the thriving underground brothel scene. On Chicago Avenue alone there are over sixty-three brothels, according to the city of Evanston.

“I am 22,” said senior philosophy major Abby Marder. “If I want to spend my weekend at a brothel, I should be allowed to. Mom and Dad aren’t here anymore to tell me what to do. This is college.”

Marder is not alone. Brothels ranked fourth in a questionnaire sent to incoming students about the reasons they applied to Northwestern. It was beat out only by the slippery-ass walkways, Morty Shapiro, and the fine athletic program. It placed three spots ahead of academics and fifteen in front of Chet Haze.

EVANSTON—In a shocking turn of events, Evanston police arrested three NU students for painting a rock-like structure late Friday night.

“Those kids had a good three buckets of paint,” said police commissioner Danny Buckter. “They were slopping paint all over the place. Graffiti just can’t be tolerated on campus.”

Buckter added, “You would think that the kids at Northwestern would have their heads screwed on right. I guess the SATs don’t test you on civic responsibility!”

Mary Finkel, a Weinberg sophomore arrested for taking part in the vandalism, was utterly bewildered.

“I don’t get this,” said Finkel. “I thought that was completely allowed, I mean, there was a lot of paint on that rock before we even got there! I thought that was a thing students did here!”

Finkel was one of the three students arrested, along with Brad Harris and John Murrow while attempting to raise awareness for their fundraiser on Sunday. The three were members of the student group, GlobalReach, whose fundraiser was focused on raising money for underprivileged children in Vietnam.

“I’m glad I caught those delinquents when I did,” recalled Buckter. “Who knows what subversive, dirty things they could have written on that rock. As it’s in such a central location on campus, it’s likely that everyone would have seen it and its radical message. As a result, it’s probable that students would have gained increased awareness of the world outside of Northwestern and consequently donate the funds that normally went towards Ugg boots and Starbucks coffee to charity. The very infrastructure of the community might have collapsed — without NU students stimulating the Evanston economy, who knows what would happen?”

“I can’t believe this,” said Murrow, who recently posted bail. “Seriously, I know people who have painted that rock before. Who is this guy that arrested us? Is he new in town?”

Harris, who still hasn’t been granted his phone call at the penitentiary, agreed with Murrow.

“This is ludicrous,” said Harris. “Absolutely ludicrous.”

In the aftermath of the incident, opinions among Northwestern students were mixed.     

“That’s actually kind of funny,” said Stan Nash, a Weinberg junior. “I mean, it’s like, what the hell?”

“I think that is a terrible thing,” said Cyndy Li, a McCormick senior. “Graffiti can not and should not be tolerated on campus. Commissioner Buckter is a brave man.”

Li is a transfer student who has been attending classes for almost two days.

Morton Schapiro, also new to campus, honored Buckter in a press conference early this morning.

“I don’t see myself as a hero,” said Buckter later upon questioning. “I just call it doing my job. Someone has to put an end to teenage shenanigans, and I guess, today, that someone was me. I’m just glad that I arrived on the scene when I did. I would never have forgiven myself if that graceful monument had suffered the great degradation of one more coat of paint.”

EVANSTON—Scholars and community members alike today mourn the death of Willy the Wildcat, Northwestern University’s beloved mascot. Willy, actually a thirty-five pound seven year old lynx, was shot dead early yesterday afternoon when famed trapper Mathias Weatherspoon set out to prepare something for dinner. “Dad always said, an animal with spirit is a well fed animal,” remarks Weatherspoon, 27, “and a well fed animal is worth the bullet.”

According to university officials, a large cattle branding adorning its right hind leg identified the lynx. A relatively domesticated, Willy was known to venture from its home at the university library only to relieve itself and occasionally procreate. “Ah, he was a simple being,” says Martha Canning, 61, resident librarian, feline enthusiast, single lady, “and such a good listener!”

Weatherspoon alleges that the then to-be-stew leapt into his line of fire just as he prepared to shoot an opossum. It was not until later that day when the trapper brought his catch home to skin that he began to think something was amiss. “Halfway into my new long johns and two-thirds of the way into supper, I look down and, gosh darn it that this cat has an alma mater!” Said long johns were in fact completed, and plan to be put on display in NU’s thespian offices. As for the rest of the beloved animal, “I just want to say sorry to all the students out there who…who may have had some sort of stake in that beast. I apologize. I know what it’s like to lose a friend, had to put old Lou down myself after he got to foamin’ last year“ laments Weatherspoon, “But still, breakfast for a week is breakfast for a week.”

Evanston sheriff Bradley Cowherd has made no public comment as of yet. Though some community members, like Ms. Canning, feel justice has turned a blind eye. “I can’t imagine the kind of man who could murder a friend like William. And in cold blood! This depravity merely can’t go unpunished. Oh, Lord! How could he eat him?”

“Well, lynx is always best when set out to soak over night”, advises the hunter, “then prepared with a flat base of tomato and basil if you can get your hands on ‘em, carrots, parsley, minced onion and salt with just, just a dollop of honey. Don’t smother it if you can’t stand the flavor but then again, if you want it to last for multiple meals then well, you have to make the sacrifice.”

EVANSTON—Last night around 1:45 AM, SafeRide driver Jimmy Sloan was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol while transporting Northwestern sophomore David Bernstein from a ZBT frat party to his south campus residence. According to Evanston police officer Ralph Williams, Sloan attempted to street race on Sheridan Road with an Intercampus shuttle which was not willing to join him.

Said Sloan, “I give him the look, you know? The bus driver made eye contact with me so I knew it was on.” Unfortunately for Sloan, he was the only participant in the race. After nearly colliding with the South campus construction site, Sloan’s vehicle was spotted by Officer Williams, who pursued him down Chicago Avenue until Sloan stopped.

“I asked him for license and registration and he shaped his hand like a claw and yelled,” said Williams. “That’s when I knew something was wrong.” When asked by the officer if he had been drinking, Sloan replied “A guy’s gotta party.” The officer conducted a field sobriety test during which, according to one witness, Sloan could be heard yelling “Don’t tase me, bro! Don’t tase me!” The officer did not have a taser on his person during the testing.

The Flipside spoke with Bernstein today about the traumatic incident. “I knew something was wrong when Jimmy told me his favorite game when he was younger was Crazy Taxi on Dreamcast” he told me. “He started looking for ramps to jump to “get some mad bonus points, dude” but instead just went for the street race.”

After failing the field sobriety test by falling down multiple times and attempting to hug Officer Williams, Sloan was given a breathalyzer, which reported a blood alcohol content of .16, or twice the legal limit. He awaits a court date.

When asked why he was driving drunk on the job, Sloan explained “I had to pregame it, dude.” When informed that pregaming generally occurs before a significant event or party, he replied “SafeRide’s a party”.