WASHINGTON – The Crunchwrap Supreme Court announced Tuesday their verdict in UBFA v. Kellogg, affirming the death sentence for Barry Kellogg issued by the 11th Court of Applepeels. The verdict did not come as a surprise after a photograph of the defendant surfaced that provided nearly insurmountable evidence of the defendant’s guilt.

Ruth Bader Ginsburger, who wrote the majority opinion, summarized the photograph: “Kellogg is standing with one of the victims, Trixie Leporis. Both are smiling; the defendant has evidently seduced her like the rest of his victims. Kellogg’s left hand is gripping a silver spoon, the weapon used to kill all of his victims.”

Barry Kellogg and the United Breakfast Foods Alliance each issued statements following the Crunchwrap Supreme Court’s judgment. Mr. Kellogg’s spokesman said, “We are extraordinarily disappointed with this outcome. As we explained in our oral arguments, Mr. Kellogg was simply trying to help Ms. Leporis through some troubled times with financial support. He was planning to give her the silver spoon that evening so she could sell it. Before he could do this, some deranged person, who has not yet been caught, tragically murdered Ms. Leporis.”

Snap C. Pop, chairman of the UBFA, said, “Although we hesitate to rejoice at the pending death of a human being, we are pleased that breakfast cereal mascots can now sleep in peace without fearing the dreaded silver spoon of Mr. Kellogg.”

The White Toll House Cookie declined to comment on the particular case; Press Secretary Jay Carneyvore stated, “Barack Obanana has no direct power over the Crunchwrap Supreme Court, and so he cannot comment on every single ruling. The President will issue statements concerning important rulings where Congress should change the existing law to counteract or adapt to a verdict, but this is not one of those cases.”

GOP candidates, however, were not so restrained on commenting on the case. Rick Peary of Texas applauded the decision. “We need more justices willing to take a hard stand on crime, more executions of perverted cereal killers like Barry Kellogg.”

DES MOINES – Last Tuesday, Iowans gathered in gyms, homes, and other buildings across the state to discuss who their favorite old white guys were.

Herds of people thronged in and around buildings. They stood around and talked for a while. Some people waved signs with pretty decorations. There was a lot of shouting. Then they wrote a name on a piece of paper and left. This name was the name of their favorite old white guy.

The old white guy who had the most people write that he was their favorite was declared the winner.

At some points, the discussion became intense argument; no one was injured, though there were reports of bruised feelings.

A mere five old white guys seemed to capture the favor of the majority of Iowans, which is rather remarkable considering how many old white people there are in Iowa. A few of the five leaders didn’t look all that old, actually, and these younger old white guys appeared to have the strongest support. However, opponents of each old white guy were fiercely mistrustful, and no single white guy captured more than a quarter of the Iowans’ favoritism.

The old white guys were reportedly seen at various points around the state preceding the gatherings. Eyewitnesses claim that one was overweight, another was short with a piping voice, one was wearing flip-flops, one was described only as “frothy,” whatever that means, and one seemed rather forgetful. None of the old white guys appeared to be from Iowa, which is maybe why the Iowans were so reluctant to choose one as their favorite.

A few people voiced their support for a youngish white woman, but these people were ridiculed by fellow Iowans, as they evidently misunderstood the purpose of the gatherings.

By Richard M. Daley, Former Mayor of Chicago

First, I need to thank the journalists. Your utter complacency and lack of fortitude has allowed me to complete my 22-year tenure without a single earth-shattering revelation of absolute corruption or depravity that could have marred this otherwise immaculate career.

I mean, fuck, people! This is Illinois! This is Chicago! I bought out the last honest politician twenty years ago! Yeah, that’s right, I’ve been skimming funds since day one, but you’re not supposed to let me get away with it! We’ve been doing the same dance since my daddy helped the mafia elect JFK, so why you gotta go and fuck with it now?

I skim enough from the coffers to run a third-world country; you find out and get all indignant that it’s somehow happening again; I spend a couple months in a minimum-security resort-prison; you watch a shitty Lifetime Original Movie about the ordeal, and I get to sail off into the sunset on my 50-foot yacht!

I mean, how could you not get me back in ’04?!? Blagojevich and I made Tammany Hall look like the fuckin’ Vatican! And the whole time; unencrypted emails, phone records, hotel receipts, the whole fucking nine yards! I put my own head on a silver platter for you dipshits, and if even a single one of you had bothered calling the Tribune, you could’ve won a Pulitzer, and I could have finally gotten a break from this goddawful job.

Rahm, if you’re reading this, know that you have my full blessing. May your scandals be discreet and non-treasonous. I’ll see you at the indictment, good buddy. But try not to take too long; I promised my son he’d get to be mayor too.

PHOENIX—Arizona Governor Jan Brewer (R) announced this week that the state would be building a Fence of Liberty to greet all those crossing over the border from Mexico. The new structure will be covered in copper, with armed guard towers aloft every 100 yards. On the US side, the fence will read July IV MDCCLXXVI, commemorating the Declaration of Independence, while on the Mexican side it will read April XXIII MMX, commemorating the passage of Arizona Senate Bill 1070, the law that led to the creation of this monument to relations between the two countries.

A press release following the announcement of the Fence of Liberty stated that “it is the hope of the government of Arizona that this endeavor will help to improve US-Mexican relations. It has long been said that good fences make good neighbors and, well, that’s one hell of a fence.”

Yet in spite of official enthusiasm for the project, the Fence of Liberty is not without its detractors, from immigrant-rights groups who claim that the fence represents racism on the part of the state government to firefighters who fear that sun reflecting off of the miles of copper plating will cause massive brushfires. Perhaps the most vocal opposition to the fence comes from the State of New Jersey, which claims that Arizona is infringing on a beloved New Jersey landmark. The State of New York claims that the State of New Jersey is full of shit, and that Arizona is in fact infringing in its beloved landmark.

Without unified legal opposition to the new monument, all these detractors have is their words and their petty East Coast squabbles. Construction on the Fence of Liberty is slated to begin in August, pending funding approval.