EVANSTON—This past week’s poster sale at the Norris Center provided the university with a way to mask additional construction in the Wildcat Room. The cover-up was discovered when freshman Robert Zucker attempted to remove a poster from the display wall.

“I was just trying to get that Star Wars poster,” claims Zucker, “but when I did, there was an orange construction fence behind it.”

When Zucker revealed the construction fence, a Norris security team appeared out of nowhere and swarmed the area, removing the freshman and covering up the construction site once again. But this wasn’t the only sign of a hidden construction project.

“When I was looking at the movie posters,” said sophomore Louis Schmidt, “the guy next to me was putting down traffic cones. That seemed a little suspicious to me.”

“I definitely heard a jackhammer while I was in there,” adds freshman Jane Hunter, “and I’m pretty sure the check-out lady had a hard hat on the floor next to her. They’re definitely up to something.”

But what exactly this construction project? Although no construction workers were found to answer this question, Norris staffers were more than happy to offer their insight.

“We don’t know exactly what’s going on in there,” says an anonymous Norbucks employee. “It never seems to get anywhere, so we can’t really tell what it is. Right now, we think it’s just an attempt to fuck with students who want to use the meeting rooms.”

To some, however, the cover-up provided an inspiration. “It’s smart, really,” says Zucker. “I live in ISRC and have to look at the construction out my window every day. I might just cover my window with a poster, too.”

EVANSTON—You can tell a lot about a man by his wall. No, not his Facebook wall. People can create false personas and post things on their own wall; thus, making them look much more popular than they really are, not that I would know or anything…

No, I am talking about the $10,000 dorm room wall. You know it is a bad sign when a kid puts nothing on his wall. He probably has no personality. The kid’s is as empty as the girl’s volleyball stands and is as boring as Elder’s food selection.

For those not cool enough to come equipped with the Jon Belushi “College” poster or a Bob Marlee poster, salvation is around the corner at the poster sale (it is only a sale because things are being sold, not because prices are remotely reasonable). Praise Norris.

So the closet homosexual buys a nice poster of a girl’s bosom.

So the kid who has never been to first base buys a bikini poster so he shows everybody that he knows how to hit a home run.

So the girl buys a Twilight poster to try and justify her Goth related disorder.

More often than not, the posters turn out to be more interesting than the kid who bought them. That science nerd with the Star Trek ring tone has a fucking sweet poster of NASA bombing the moon. Hopefully, they kill that man living up there. I heard it is Osama Bin Laden.

The movie buff—who probably is only going to movies because he can’t find somebody to hang out with or has yet to acquaint himself with our good friend Mr. Alcohol—has a tight mafia poster. However, the only thing that kid ever stole was from an NU dining hall. Odds are the IMDB homepage kid looked incredibly suspicious as he stuffed cookies in his backpack while glancing away and whistled out of the dining hall.

I mean, come on. Everybody takes food from the dining hall. It’s like punching a baby in the face, or however that expression goes.