EVANSTON—David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d meet him there,” the point guard explained, “but when I got to the room, there wasn’t so much as a Koosh hoop anywhere in sight.”

Vineyard explained that when Stephens entered the room, his gym attire and the orange ball in his hands initially confused the other attendees. However, his appearance was quickly forgotten in a chorus of “Hey!!!!” and Vineyard yelling, “SHOTS!!! FOR THIS GUY!” This seemed to delight Stephens, who then said, “Shots sounds good. I need to work on my jumper. Where are we going, exactly?”

The partygoers explained the Stephens that the party was right here, and he was about to get hammered. Stephens took offensive to this, replying, “I might be small, but no one throws down the hammer dunk on me. I’ll swat that shit away, no sweat.”

Eventually, Stephens began to lighten up, but retained his sporting personality throughout the pregame. When asked how he was doing, the point guard explained that he was just “taking it one drink at a time” and that he’ll “really need to step up at the actual party and give it his all.”

Stephens had reportedly been involved in a similar misunderstanding last week, when he wore his Sacramento Kings #4 jersey to a round of the drinking game of the same name.

EVANSTON—Last night around 1:45 AM, SafeRide driver Jimmy Sloan was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol while transporting Northwestern sophomore David Bernstein from a ZBT frat party to his south campus residence. According to Evanston police officer Ralph Williams, Sloan attempted to street race on Sheridan Road with an Intercampus shuttle which was not willing to join him.

Said Sloan, “I give him the look, you know? The bus driver made eye contact with me so I knew it was on.” Unfortunately for Sloan, he was the only participant in the race. After nearly colliding with the South campus construction site, Sloan’s vehicle was spotted by Officer Williams, who pursued him down Chicago Avenue until Sloan stopped.

“I asked him for license and registration and he shaped his hand like a claw and yelled,” said Williams. “That’s when I knew something was wrong.” When asked by the officer if he had been drinking, Sloan replied “A guy’s gotta party.” The officer conducted a field sobriety test during which, according to one witness, Sloan could be heard yelling “Don’t tase me, bro! Don’t tase me!” The officer did not have a taser on his person during the testing.

The Flipside spoke with Bernstein today about the traumatic incident. “I knew something was wrong when Jimmy told me his favorite game when he was younger was Crazy Taxi on Dreamcast” he told me. “He started looking for ramps to jump to “get some mad bonus points, dude” but instead just went for the street race.”

After failing the field sobriety test by falling down multiple times and attempting to hug Officer Williams, Sloan was given a breathalyzer, which reported a blood alcohol content of .16, or twice the legal limit. He awaits a court date.

When asked why he was driving drunk on the job, Sloan explained “I had to pregame it, dude.” When informed that pregaming generally occurs before a significant event or party, he replied “SafeRide’s a party”.