Posted on 13 November 2012.
SALT LAKE CITY, UT — Officials from Utah admitted yesterday that they entirely skipped counting the ballots from last week’s general election. Instead of tallying the votes, the Office of Lieutenant Governor, which handles elections in the Beehive State, admitted to just making up numbers that add up to rough estimates of voter turnout.
Major news outlets first noticed discrepancies when election projections were made seconds after polls closing with no precincts actually reporting. These discrepancies went largely unnoticed when the entire country remained focused solely on Cuyahoga County, Ohio.
“We believe that while accurately counting the vote tallies could be nice, quite honestly, we just didn’t find a good enough reason to waste our time on it,” said Lieutenant Governor Greg Bell. “Let’s be honest, we all know we’re voting for the Mormon.”
Voters from Utah were largely indifferent towards the revelation. “I mean, sure, knowing exactly how many people voted for Obama would make it easier to demonstrate how heavily conservative this state really is,” said Nephi Young, a consultant from Ogden, Utah. “But then again, most of us can’t drink caffeine so why stay up late for something that really won’t matter at the end of the day? Besides, if a fair democracy requires a large scale government-led counting operation, maybe it’s not something I support at all.”
At press time, the entire Office of Lieutenant Governor was seen planning a road trip to neighboring state Colorado.
Posted in No. 93, Politics
Posted on 16 January 2012.
WASHINGTON – The Crunchwrap Supreme Court announced Tuesday their verdict in UBFA v. Kellogg, affirming the death sentence for Barry Kellogg issued by the 11th Court of Applepeels. The verdict did not come as a surprise after a photograph of the defendant surfaced that provided nearly insurmountable evidence of the defendant’s guilt.
Ruth Bader Ginsburger, who wrote the majority opinion, summarized the photograph: “Kellogg is standing with one of the victims, Trixie Leporis. Both are smiling; the defendant has evidently seduced her like the rest of his victims. Kellogg’s left hand is gripping a silver spoon, the weapon used to kill all of his victims.”
Barry Kellogg and the United Breakfast Foods Alliance each issued statements following the Crunchwrap Supreme Court’s judgment. Mr. Kellogg’s spokesman said, “We are extraordinarily disappointed with this outcome. As we explained in our oral arguments, Mr. Kellogg was simply trying to help Ms. Leporis through some troubled times with financial support. He was planning to give her the silver spoon that evening so she could sell it. Before he could do this, some deranged person, who has not yet been caught, tragically murdered Ms. Leporis.”
Snap C. Pop, chairman of the UBFA, said, “Although we hesitate to rejoice at the pending death of a human being, we are pleased that breakfast cereal mascots can now sleep in peace without fearing the dreaded silver spoon of Mr. Kellogg.”
The White Toll House Cookie declined to comment on the particular case; Press Secretary Jay Carneyvore stated, “Barack Obanana has no direct power over the Crunchwrap Supreme Court, and so he cannot comment on every single ruling. The President will issue statements concerning important rulings where Congress should change the existing law to counteract or adapt to a verdict, but this is not one of those cases.”
GOP candidates, however, were not so restrained on commenting on the case. Rick Peary of Texas applauded the decision. “We need more justices willing to take a hard stand on crime, more executions of perverted cereal killers like Barry Kellogg.”
Posted in Articles, No. 71, Politics
Posted on 11 January 2012.
DES MOINES – Last Tuesday, Iowans gathered in gyms, homes, and other buildings across the state to discuss who their favorite old white guys were.
Herds of people thronged in and around buildings. They stood around and talked for a while. Some people waved signs with pretty decorations. There was a lot of shouting. Then they wrote a name on a piece of paper and left. This name was the name of their favorite old white guy.
The old white guy who had the most people write that he was their favorite was declared the winner.
At some points, the discussion became intense argument; no one was injured, though there were reports of bruised feelings.
A mere five old white guys seemed to capture the favor of the majority of Iowans, which is rather remarkable considering how many old white people there are in Iowa. A few of the five leaders didn’t look all that old, actually, and these younger old white guys appeared to have the strongest support. However, opponents of each old white guy were fiercely mistrustful, and no single white guy captured more than a quarter of the Iowans’ favoritism.
The old white guys were reportedly seen at various points around the state preceding the gatherings. Eyewitnesses claim that one was overweight, another was short with a piping voice, one was wearing flip-flops, one was described only as “frothy,” whatever that means, and one seemed rather forgetful. None of the old white guys appeared to be from Iowa, which is maybe why the Iowans were so reluctant to choose one as their favorite.
A few people voiced their support for a youngish white woman, but these people were ridiculed by fellow Iowans, as they evidently misunderstood the purpose of the gatherings.
Posted in No. 70, Politics
Posted on 29 October 2011.
TOLEDO, OH – Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber,” unexpectedly announced Thursday his plans to challenge Obama in the 2012 presidential election.
John McCain and Sarah Palin used “Joe the Plumber” as a metaphor for the middle class in the 2008 presidential election, so Wurzelbacher already enjoys nationwide name recognition. His platform focuses entirely on bad plumbing puns and one promise: “They’re not going to catch me in a lie.”
One political commentator pointed out that an unlicensed plumber trying to pass himself off as a pseudo-intellectual with the skills necessary to run the government seemed rooted in foolishness.
“The system in Washington is a toilet clogged by a massive shit,” Wurzelbacher responded. “I’m bringing the plunger. I’m bringing the Drano.”
But perhaps the most shocking revelation is that Rick Perry is still the dumbest Republican candidate.
Perry’s transcripts from his alma mater, Texas A&M, have surfaced—he received a slew of Cs and Ds, including a C in gym and a D in principles of economics.
To help hone his razor-sharp debating skills, Perry requested a challenge of hardline rhetoric with Wurzelbacher in the most valid forum of political machismo: the WWE Championship.
Perry—“The Texecutor” in the ring—is already generating excitement among wrestling fans with his utterly incomprehensible tough-guy talk.
“Do you smell what the Texecutor is cookin’?” Perry asked. “Well it ain’t a last meal, ‘cause we don’t do that in Texas no more.”
Wurzelbacher—“The Plummeler”—has yet to respond. He reportedly seemed bewildered that anyone would challenge him to a fight in his favorite arena.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump is voicing yet another concern about “Joe the Plumber.” “Wurzelbacher? What kinda foreign name is that? I demand to see a birth certificate!”
Posted in No. 66, Politics
Posted on 10 October 2011.
WASHINGTON – With the first Republican primaries right around the corner and the current batch of Republican candidates offering the less-than-compelling choice between “the crazy one” and “the one who didn’t win last time,” the GOP has realized it will need a charismatic personality to dethrone sitting president Barack Obama. Specifically, they need former Illinois Senator Barack Obama.
The possibility of an Obama run for the Republican nomination was first discussed by Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, who claimed that the conservative base needs a “charismatic, smooth-talking leader able to embrace some liberal notions, a mold fit perfectly by Mr. Obama.” Hannity also noted Obama’s history in the White House as a point in his favor. “What better way to prepare for the office of the president,” he reasoned, “than being in the office of the president?”
Obama’s GOP campaign is seen as particularly strong in Iowa, where his skill set seems tailor-made for success. “Based on previous evidence, Obama’s ability to give rousing speeches in Iowa is off the charts,” explained Hannity. “I think his remarkable oratory skill is exactly what the Republican Party needs to win a battle of wits against that other orator whom the Democrats have nominated.”
In fact, Obama is seen as a perfect candidate based in large part on how well he matches up against his theoretical liberal counterpart. Obama, many conservative pundits believe, has exactly the leadership skills and ability to make tough decisions that could topple President Obama. “It’s funny,” Hannity remarked, “he’s so self-assured. He acts like he’s already won the presidency. I love his confidence.”
If Obama doesn’t work out, the Republican Party may pursue former President John F. Kennedy instead. “Kennedy’s oratory prowess makes him a viable candidate,” Hannity told The Flipside, “Now, I wonder where he’s living these days?”
Posted in No. 63, Politics
Posted on 06 October 2011.
Posted in Headline, No. 63
Posted on 10 November 2010.
WASHINGTON—President Obama announced his accomplishment of all 116,365 games on Sporcle one week after the 60-seat Republican sweep of the House. With Republican legislators sure to halt any legislation supported by the Democrats, Obama now has free time to kick back in the Oval Office.
“After Tuesday night, I got to thinking about all of those college-aged young people who came out in droves for me in 2008 and considered going to polls this election but decided to watch The Hangover and Facebook-stalk Kanye West instead,” Obama said in an interview with The Flipside. “My hair has turned gray in the last 2 years. No one’s wearing shirts with my photoshopped red, white and blue head anymore. I needed to get my youthful, hip edge back. That’s when I found Sporcle.”
“I thought there was a national security emergency when I received a frantic call from the President at 3am on Thursday,” Hillary Clinton, U.S. Secretary of State, told the Flipside. “It turned out that Barack couldn’t remember the name of Buttercup, one of the Powerpuff Girls, with only 35 seconds left on the ‘Female Cartoon Network Characters’ quiz.”
The President’s new hobby has resulted in some shakeups on the Hill. Secretary of Commerce Gary Locke allegedly considered tendering his resignation after Obama forgot his name on the “Obama’s Cabinet” Sporcle game. His family life is also feeling the effects: Obama’s daughter Sasha almost went to the press after 4 nights sans Harry Potter readings.
After his momentous completion of the 116,365th game, Obama started writing his own quizzes.
His quizzes can now be found on the Sporcle website, including “Obama Merchandise” (the “’Yes We Can’ Opener” and the “’Head’ Of State Obama Vibra-Dildo” were the most frequently-missed answers) and “Celebrities Who Endorsed the Hip, Still-Relevant Obama in 2008.”
Incoming Speaker of the House, Representative John Boehner (R – OH), commented, “This is a surprising admission. We’ve seen addictions before in Washington—sex, drugs, gambling–but Sporcle, that’s certainly a change. Just not the one Americans were supposed to believe in.”
Posted in No. 45, Politics
Posted on 16 November 2009.
Posted in Headline, Issue 22, Year 2
Posted on 16 September 2009.
WASINGTON—The former Vice-President has led an outspoken life after completing his second term in January. There is little doubt that he has been critical of the Democratic majority, particularly of President Obama’s decision to close Guantanamo Bay. He was heavily opposed to Obama’s new health care plan as well, until he learned of government “death panels.”
“These new death panels,” Dick Cheney told The Flipside in an exuberant state, “will do great things for the American people. It will finally give government the power to decide who is worthy and who is not.” Cheney has volunteered to lead the death panels, calling himself “truly worthy” of such an important government position.
Most Republicans use the forthcoming death panels, which were totally included in the proposed legislation, as an example of the unconstitutional nature of the proposed reform. Cheney questions this argument. “Not in the Constitution? The Constitution can absolutely be interpreted in such a way that gives government the power to decide if someone lives or dies. If you ask me, we need to start using that power…I need to start using that power.”
Cheney says that once he is appointed Grand Master of the death panels, he will begin to rid the country of terrorists, the sick, the elderly, and anyone else he deems unworthy. “Basically,” explains Cheney, “anyone who fails the panel will have to go hunting with me, if you catch my drift.”
Posted in Politics