THE MOON – Baseball’s most successful franchise won its seventy-fifth straight title (and seventy-seventh overall) last week, defeating the Galactic League champion Boron VI Green Stockings of the Luciferin Galaxy. This year’s Series was played on Earth’s moon for only the fifth time after the Moon League won the All-Galaxy Game in a dramatic 4-3 nail biter. It was Starlin Castro IV who hit the go-ahead 1,091 foot homerun in reduced gravity to give the Cubs the 2161 title.

The Cubs’ great seventy-five year run all started when (then) Major League Baseball finally integrated the game with human clones. The Cubs were allowed to play a clone of Jackie Robinson for the first time in 2074; the franchise never looked back. The Ricketts family, owners of the Chicago Cubs, bought the patent on human cloning in 2080, which has prevented other teams from using cloned players.

“People told my family that we had no right to buy the patent, that anyone should be allowed to use it to bring back loved ones who have since passed on, but we didn’t listen,” Steve E. Ricketts, great-great-grandson of Tom Ricketts, told The Milky Way Flipside. “We promised a World Series title to Earth-Chicago and this was the only way to give it to them. Trust me, we tried everything else.”

The 2161 Cubs, which consists mainly of Babe Ruth, Albert Pujols, and Starlin Castro clones, defeated many powerhouse teams before clinching title number seventy-seven. They defeated teams on HGH, teams consisting of mainly robots, and teams consisting of silicon-based life forms.

“We’re no match for carbon-based life forms, that’s for sure,” explained Boron VI third baseman A117N Thompson. “Especially cloned carbon-based life forms.”

In related baseball news, the St. Louis Cardinals, New York Yankees, Chicago White Sox, and Miami Marlins all failed to reach the playoffs again. The last time any of these pathetic Earth League franchises won the World Series was in 2011.

CHICAGO—Cubs owner Tom Ricketts told the Chicago Tribune that he’s found a new way to bring in revenue to the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball. Instead of fighting for ad space in and around historic Wrigley Field, Ricketts says he can help lessen the effect of declining attendance through walking billboards.

“The ushers have always been a part of the unique ‘Friendly Confines’ experience,” a spokesman for the Ricketts family told The Flipside. “Now, they’ll play an even larger role. Each usher will represent a different brand throughout the game.”

From tattoos to neon signs to miniature billboards that cover most of the body (but not completely, they will be designed so that fans can see through much of the ad to not detract from the elegance of the Wrigley atmosphere), ushers will, in some way or another, be walking advertisements for Cubs sponsors.

The Cubs continue to find other marketing opportunities around Wrigley and in the action. The Make-A-Wish Foundation has agreed to sponsor every Cubs homerun. Additionally, BP will sponsor every Cubs error.

In an effort to cut costs, Ricketts has decided to eliminate organ-played at-bat music. The organ was put on Craigslist yesterday. Ricketts is asking for $65 and “anyone who wants to push an organ down several ramps.”

Instead, each Cubs player will have their own theme music.

“We have You Tube open on my PC,” says Wrigley technician Frank Gorgatta. “When a certain player comes up to bat, we type in his song. It’s a good system. We get to skip those $0.99 charges on iTunes. We don’t have to pay any royalties either because we only play a couple seconds.”

The Cubs open up a weekend inter-league series today at Wrigley for the first time against the Angels.