“THE UNANOINTED SHALL BE BROUGHT FORTH UNTO US FOR JUDGEMENT. THEIR TORMENT IN LIMBO WILL SEE THEM REWARDED SO SAYETH ASMODEUS, RUSH CHAIR.”
Tag Archives: Rush
“The subjectivity of the selection process as it exists today endorses the objectification of women. Weigh-ins will help give us a more objective way of judging recruits, hopefully leveling the playing field.”
After an intense Yik Yak fight with the cross-recruiting bastards at Sherman Ave, the bid lists for Flipside fraternity Tappa Tappa Keg and corresponding sorority Delta Delta Delta Delta were leaked today.
Diary, please don’t judge me. I’m just soooo frakin nervous! Like, what if they don’t like the color of my hair, or the style of my clothes… Or the fact that my left boob is 3x bigger than my right boob!
If she had eaten one more, she would have been thrown out in her underwear.
“Man, I can’t wait to start,” said SESP freshman Max Janson. “Waiting on bended knee to serve the brothers I barely know—that’s what this is all about.”
After a week of rushing campus fraternity Beta Beta Beta without receiving a bid, area freshman Brandon Bottomsworth reportedly couldn’t care less that he wasn’t accepted into the group, because BBB is a bunch of big meanie-jerks who don’t know a quality candidate when they see one, those poopy doopy poop-heads.
EVANSTON — Freshmen girls were stunned when sorority Preview Day turned into something resembling a scene from 1984. Freshman Stephanie Feldman “had… no idea that… the USSR had infiltrated parts… of American culture,” pausing a few times to look over her shoulder for undercover sorority members. Feldman later tried to complain to her friends about the rigid and ridiculous nature of the event, but she was snatched away by mysterious women in black ski masks before her sentence could be
EVANSTON — Northwestern’s Panhellenic Association made changes to the sorority recruitment process prior to Preview Day this Sunday. Delta Delta Delta Delta Chapter President Kate Denning said, “More and more girls are going Greek, and chapters are changing how they look at their future sisters. Ten years ago, even a brunette would get a bid from Quad-Delt, but now that approximately 40% of girls here are Greek, we’re raising our standards.” Sororities are adding new elements to the rush process,
EVANSTON — Northwestern fraternities have recently begun their weekly tradition of Sunday night dinners, and hundreds of freshman have attended to get free food and flirt with frat brothers. The race for bids has begun, and one freshman has emerged as the top recruit. Nicknamed “Homeless Joe,” this enterprising, genial, and most of all hungry freshman has been sighted at nearly every single frat and dinner. Reports say Joe usually arrives at the frats alone, but he does bring his