TOLEDO, OH – Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, better known as “Joe the Plumber,” unexpectedly announced Thursday his plans to challenge Obama in the 2012 presidential election.

John McCain and Sarah Palin used “Joe the Plumber” as a metaphor for the middle class in the 2008 presidential election, so Wurzelbacher already enjoys nationwide name recognition. His platform focuses entirely on bad plumbing puns and one promise: “They’re not going to catch me in a lie.”

One political commentator pointed out that an unlicensed plumber trying to pass himself off as a pseudo-intellectual with the skills necessary to run the government seemed rooted in foolishness.

“The system in Washington is a toilet clogged by a massive shit,” Wurzelbacher responded. “I’m bringing the plunger. I’m bringing the Drano.”

But perhaps the most shocking revelation is that Rick Perry is still the dumbest Republican candidate.

Perry’s transcripts from his alma mater, Texas A&M, have surfaced—he received a slew of Cs and Ds, including a C in gym and a D in principles of economics.

To help hone his razor-sharp debating skills, Perry requested a challenge of hardline rhetoric with Wurzelbacher in the most valid forum of political machismo: the WWE Championship.

Perry—“The Texecutor” in the ring—is already generating excitement among wrestling fans with his utterly incomprehensible tough-guy talk.

“Do you smell what the Texecutor is cookin’?” Perry asked. “Well it ain’t a last meal, ‘cause we don’t do that in Texas no more.”

Wurzelbacher—“The Plummeler”—has yet to respond. He reportedly seemed bewildered that anyone would challenge him to a fight in his favorite arena.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is voicing yet another concern about “Joe the Plumber.” “Wurzelbacher? What kinda foreign name is that? I demand to see a birth certificate!”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Congress passed an unprecedented bill Thursday creating an investigative task force to oversee the nation’s second-largest underground industry: babysitting. Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI), who sponsored the bill, explained that the bill “will not only provide an additional source of revenue for our nearly-broke government, but it will also send a message to Americans: you cannot get away with tax fraud!”

The bill targets preteen and teenage babysitters, who every year collect billions of dollars of unreported income. “The government does not know how much money goes untaxed,” said Ryan. “It’s all cash transactions. For all we know, these babysitters could be illegal immigrants!”

The bill has garnered bipartisan support in both the House and Senate. Rep. Steny Hoyer (D-MD), House Minority Whip, explained the Democrats’ position in a prepared statement: “While we are appalled by the contents of this bill, we are so desperate for any tax increases at all that we have decided to support it. The Bush-era tax cuts continue to cripple the government; we need more tax revenue. Now.”

The bill will employ thousands of federal prosecutors who will lurk outside elementary schools and in neighborhoods with high proportions of children. These “watchdogs” will try to identify babysitters who are paid in cash and file reports to the FBI.

FBI agents will then arrest the babysitters, who will be held in prison until the income taxes they should have paid are paid (plus the standard tax evasion fines), or for a period no longer than five years.

Surprisingly, the only strong opposition to the bill comes from the Tea Party. “Gosh-darn that Sixteenth Amendment,” said potential presidential candidate Sarah Palin. “The government should be lowering taxes, not arresting babysitters! As a mother, I know just how essential these little girls and boys are to middle class America. If I couldn’t pay a fraction of minimum wage for childcare, I sure as heck couldn’t afford so many shoes!”

In addition to prosecuting babysitters for past tax fraud, the bill also includes language that will make such fraud impossible in the future. Beginning in 2012, it will be illegal to pay babysitters in cash. People employing babysitters must deduct taxes from paychecks and also prepare W-2 forms to give to the babysitters, who will then have to file income taxes each year.

“This bill represents the American way,” said Sen. Jon Kyl (R-AZ). “Ninety percent of preteen and teenage babysitters use their unreported income to pay for abortions, and this bill will help solve this epidemic.”

JUNEAU, AK—Former Alaska governor and vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin has finished writing her memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life. Originally slated to be a 400-page chronicle of Palin’s political and personal life, the memoir underwent a complete overhaul of its content and scope, leading to its completion months ahead of schedule.

“The initial intent of the memoir was to touch upon Palin’s personal beliefs, family life, and experiences growing up in Alaska and in politics,” said Maria Tonne, a spokesperson for HarperCollins, “but as the project moved along, we decided to take a closer look at the target audience, which led us to go back and do some extensive editing and re-writing.”

Tonne declined to comment on the changes, citing confidentiality agreements. In her typical fashion, however, Palin herself eagerly agreed to discuss the edits.
“We had to keep the readers in mind,” Palin said, “so we had to shoot for something, you know, less formal, that would really speak to all the Joe-the-Plumbers of this great country.”

According to Palin, the finished product is a 30-page long “workbook” which takes the reader through her experiences and beliefs. HarperCollins tapped esteemed children’s book illustrator William Joyce to draw the novel’s illustrations. Children’s magazine “Highlights” submitted color-by-numbers and “hidden pictures” exercises which explain Palin’s political and moral opinions to readers. One particular connect-the-dots page asks the reader to “Uncover the Secret Democrat Agenda;” the completed picture shows President Barack Obama aborting a third-trimester fetus with a hammer and sickle.

Palin attributes the memoir’s rapid ascension to the top of Amazon.com’s best-seller list and other sales charts to an extensive campaign promoting the its release.
“I gave speeches about the book at preschools and NASCAR events across the country,” Palin said. “The preschool audiences were especially receptive; I really connected with them.”

“Overall, I feel that this memoir will really resonate with my supporters,” Palin added. “Before, I had trouble writing captivating prose. Crayons help with that.”

JUNEAU, AK—Alaska Governor and former Vice-Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin is suffering from Post-Traumatic Election Tourette’s Syndrome, say doctors at Juneau Central Medical Center. The Governor was rushed to the hospital from her hometown of Wasilla on Wednesday, January 28th and has been observation ever since.

“I saw her walking down the street, and went over to give her a hello, and all she could say was ‘Maverick maverick 9/11 terrorist Joe sixpack.’ I was so confused,” said Wasilla resident and acquaintance Joanne Mores. “At first, I thought she was making some sort of ironic, witty self-deprecating joke, but she just kept going and wouldn’t stop. ‘Pit bull earmarks bridge to nowhere Putin.’ I didn’t know what to do.”

Doctor James Bradford, chief of long-term care at Juneau Central, offered this information about Palin’s condition: “The stress of the election clearly caused some sort of neural disconnect between the thalamus and the frontal cortex of her brain. Unfortunately, this may never be curable.”

When asked for comment, the Governor herself replied only with, “Hockey mom real America maverick drill baby drill fuck Katie Couric.”