Tag Archives: Schapiro
Mortyism’s sacred text is a collection of drunk-ass powerful speeches dating way back to the inauguration of Morton Schapiro in historic 2009.
“I know that it has been a rough week for everyone,” Schaprio began. “Mid-terms just finished. Nobody has slept much. And this week, Northwestern had one of the worst accidents it has ever experienced.”
“Due to the drastic levels of Flappy Bird being played on this campus, I’m instituting threat level DEFCON 0.003. In other words, this is the most serious threat to our Northwestern community since classes were held during the polar vortex.”
January 5 escalated into full-scale madness in 1835 Hinman. The Hinman Hunger Games, as residents are calling it, have claimed sixteen lives so far and the death toll is only rising.
“We noticed that we were leasing out land in the geographic center of that campus to some church or something,” said Schapiro. “We’re going to have our lawyers find a way out of that, and then we’ll have a big plot of land for construction.”
Schapiro warned that the campaign would not be easy. “There are certain to be challengers funded by special interest groups and a capella musicians, if you can call that ‘music.’ There are certain to be vicious ads taped to the sidewalk which will remain long after the campaign is done.”
I told myself I would only have a couple drinks. Just enough to ease my nerves for the convocation speech, you know? But PTI kept handing me shot after shot. She may not look it, but let me tell you, PTI can really throw it down.
“I felt as if the longer I stood within this lonely and hollow place, the more lonely and hollow I myself would become,” sobbed President Schapiro.
Friends, Wildcats, Countrymen, lend me your beers;
You came to register on CAESAR, not to praise it.
With evils that men program into it,
The good is oft interred with their codes;
So let it be with CAESAR.