NASHVILLE – Located just outside the Tennessee capitol, the school board of the Lakewood Children’s Institute reached a decision this Wednesday to ban all copies of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn from its premises. The administration found itself in this situation due to a long list of complaints from teachers and parents claiming that students frequently misread the book’s title and pronounced “the F-bomb” instead. Considering that Lakewood Children’s Institute teaches exclusively illiterate and dyslexic children, evidently this happened quite often.

Linda Madison, a respected teacher at the institute, describes the annual phenomenon of distributing copies of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn among her fourth grade English students. “As part of our curriculum, we encourage the students to try reading any text they encounter. Kids here are taught to read in a loud and clear voice, to help boost their literacy skills,” explains Madison. “So the moment they get their hands on Huck Finn, someone will inevitably commit a spoonerism and end up accidentally saying the F-word. Next thing you know, they’re all cursing at the top of their lungs, and half of them don’t even realize it.”

Madison has been working at the Lakewood Children’s Institute for over ten years. “Needless to say, it’s quite stressful. I’m just glad to be finally rid of this Huck Finn madness,” she says before stuffing copies of Mark Twain’s work of classic American literature into a large garbage can.

According to the notes recorded by Lakewood’s school board, the administration voted almost unanimously to censor The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. The notes suggest that a majority of the faculty favored the decision to ban the book over alternative solutions, such as actually teaching the students to read correctly.

By Professor John McSnoot

Throughout history, people have begun essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers. These generalizations are often the same as the title of the essay, which should always be its own thought.

There are three main mistakes I see in my students’ writing: Making a laundry list of reasons, sentence construction badness, and repetitive, redundant sentences of redundancy. Then, they do not provide adequate explanations for their reasoning. They just beat around the bush and never get to the point and just repeat the same thing over and over and use way too many long, winding run-on sentences that could have easily been separated into several smaller sentences for increased clarity.

Other students do include examples, but they try to force a fit to include a direct quote. It reminds me of the politician Richard Nixon, who once famously stated, “I am not a crook!” Don’t do this in your paper, because it isn’t correct. (And you also shouldn’t use contractions.)

In conclusion, as I stated in my intro, throughout history, people have ended essays with grand generalizations. It’s one of the most common mistakes I see in student papers.  They also use their conclusion to restate their introduction instead of finishing with a separate thought.

Most young writers end their essays too abruptly.

Dear Northwestern Flipside,

All of my friends are already home from school. Will I ever get to go home?

Your number one fan,
Randolph K. Hassenpfeffer

Well, Randy (I’m going to call you Randy whether you like it or not), the answer is quite simple: NO. You are in fact stuck here until you graduate. There is a secret clause in the housing agreement stating that all students are forbidden from being at home for more than a month while their high school friends are also out of school. To enforce this, small explosives have been woven into all Northwestern apparel. If you remain in your hometown with any acquaintances you knew before entering Northwestern, the explosives will arm. The only way to keep them from detonating is to return to campus. You will be confined to an isolation room in the 28th sub-basement of Tech until you have received at least 5 text messages from friends at home asking if you want to hang out, at which point you will be released and enrolled in four sections of organic chemistry until your brain melts and you forget what your home even looks like.

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