EVANSTON — Northwestern students have been grumbling that Sex Week seems a little short this year. Students from all over campus have approached The Flipside to express their concerns about lackluster performance.

According to SESP sophomore Stephanie Morgan, “It just doesn’t seem as well-endowed as it did last year. The Great Condom Pyramid has been replaced with the Small Condom Pile.”

Weinberg senior Ralph Abernathy added, “Instead of Trojan Magnum this year, they’re giving out Trojan Slim-fit. It just feels like Sex Week is just pushing rope instead of actually putting in effort to make the seven-roper tug-of-war event a success.”

When asked to comment on their failure to come and meet expectations, Sex Week Committee member Dante Robinson said, “Because certain major donors have left us out in the cold this year, we have had to shrink to half staff. However, we know how to use the girth and resources that we have to provide Northwestern with an amazing Sex Week experience.”

Sex Week Committee chair Sydney Webber also noted, “We feel like Sex Week grows on you, even if it seems small at first glance. Sex Week is a grower, not a show-er.”

As of press time, Sex Week has hired someone to fluff and groom a few of the minor events around the edges in order to make it appear longer.

EVANSTON — A local botanist claims that the condom roses sold by Northwestern University’s Sexual Health and Assault Peer Educators (SHAPE) do not belong in the genus Rosa, stating “they’re not really anything like any rose out there.” Jennifer Leary, a member of the North Shore Garden Club, made this claim after observing a sample of the condom roses, saying that based on the plant’s leaf structure, petal counts, stamen, pistil, and other parts of the flower, the plant could not be a member of a group of plants commonly considered roses.

“I have consulted various dichotomy trees, and it is evident that the condom rose, in fact, cannot be considered a rose at all,” announced Leary. “The complete lack of reproductive organs means that whatever the condom rose is, it is definitely not a flower at all. I think we all should have realized something was wrong when the so-called flower’s petals were made of what seemingly resemble condom wrappers.”

The news of this deflowering has shocked many in the horticultural community. Area gardening enthusiast Petunia Willows was stunned, stating that her condom rosebush is now ineligible for the Wilmette flower show. “But look at this!” Willows exclaimed while trimming her magnificent bush. “How can you say that it’s not a flower?”

When contacted by The Flipside, members of SHAPE could not be reached for a response since their mouths were otherwise occupied.

EVANSTON – Sex Week is not going as smoothly as organizers would have hoped due to an unforeseen lube shortage. The drought has the College Feminists, the group behind Sex Week, scrambling to whet the appetite of an increasingly chafed and throbbing crowd.

According to event patron Tyler Carter, “Everything was going just swimmingly until the pool of KY Jelly suddenly ran empty. But now my energy is gone and I just can’t keep my enthusiasm up for the speaker coming on stage later.”

Carter is not the only agitated and irritated member in the audience. Fellow patron Willy James adds, “This just rubs me the wrong way. Why don’t they have enough lube? They knew Sex Week was coming for multiple weeks now. They should understand that in order to sustain excitement at peak levels that facilitation of some kind is required.”

Unfortunately the Sex Week committee seems impotent and unable to perform under the rising pressure. The situation is so dire, it seems that there is no way they will be able to wrestle themselves out of this pickle.

Committee member Sarah Johnson lamented, “Lube levels have hit their lowest since NASA stole all of the Astroglide back in 1999. But NASA had a decent excuse for the theft then. They said it would help the rockets penetrate through the tougher layers of atmosphere.”

For a temporary stop gap measure, Sex Week has resorted to covertly supplying alcohol due to its propensity as a social lubricant. Johnson noted, “We hate to do anything rash, but due to the blistering pace of Sex Week we have no choice.” However, she was quick to add, “If we don’t find a permanent solution to this problem, there will be another outbreak and it just will pop up again.”

UPDATE: Reports indicate that the lube shortage has been solved due to a cash infusion from a generous donor. This much-needed aid has left everyone gushing with joy and enabled Sex Week to finish on a high note.

EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week.

“Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”

But it wasn’t all climaxes and happy endings at the conclusion of Northwestern’s annual Sex Week. Well, it sort of was, but there’s also a scandal: local health clinics reportedly ran out of morning-after pills much faster than they expected. Due to impending lawsuits, one clinic employee agreed to speak with The Flipside on the condition of anonymity.

“We were completely out of stock by Wednesday. After that, my boss decided to have us sell placebos instead.”

Naturally, the entire campus has broken into chaos as girls everywhere are discovering that they’re eating for two.

Sex Week committee executives have publicly asked why pregnancies have spiked across campus when the week was full of demonstrations and events that promoted safe sex and gave condoms away for free.

“I mean, I thought the point of sex week was just to have a lot of sex,” Communication Studies sophomore Naomi Watson said. “I didn’t even know a sex club existed on campus. Does having sex automatically make me a member?”

She refused to comment on the fact that her name is “I moan” spelled backwards.

Polls show that many girls like Watson ignored the free demonstrations and dove right into bed, skipping the safe-sex education and the condoms. Now, organizers of Sex Week have declared the rest of April to be known as Abortion Month. Due to an overwhelming demand for the procedure, Sheil Catholic Center has been indefinitely turned into a planned-parenthood clinic.

In other news, campus LGBT groups have reported record growth in membership the past several days as men and women are turning to their own genders to avoid crippling fears of pregnancy.