EVANSTON – Many students were shocked to hear last week that Professor J. Michael Bailey’s Human Sexuality class would not be offered next year, but the campus was in an even greater uproar after hearing that the administration had canceled sex itself for the 2011-12 academic year.

“At this point,” President Morton Schapiro explained in a press release, “we need to rethink how sex fits into the lives of our undergraduates. We’ve received complaints that sex exists at Northwestern for pure ‘shock value,’ and we want to be sure of its practical applications before we reopen it to the student body.”

Student response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly negative. “I can’t believe they cancelled sex,” lamented WCAS freshman Alyssa Sheldon. “Everyone told me that I HAD to have sex before I left Northwestern. I was going to do it next year, but I guess I’ll have to wait now.” Many students agreed with Sheldon’s frustrations, and watching unsatisfied undergrads erase sex from their day planners has become common around campus. “I understand some sex may have been a little uncalled for,” continued Sheldon, “but this seems like a really drastic decision.”

Sales of sex toys to NU students have risen dramatically. “Those young whippersnappers cleaned me out,” said Gene Piselli, the owner of “Gene’s Fucksaws and Sundries,” a sex shop in Wrigleyville. “Even if the university bans sex, it won’t stop genitalia from existing.”

In response to Northwestern’s new policy, several sex-addicted students have decided to transfer to BYU, citing the school’s “more open attitude with regards to human sexuality” as a top selling point.

The university has reported its next target will be defecation, which it says “promotes a culture of crude, scatological, and generally immature behavior not representative of the Northwestern brand.”

EVANSTON – Inspired by the popularity of Psychology 337, Human Sexuality, Northwestern has chosen to offer Introduction to the Unspeakably Obscene as a new class taught by Professor J. Michael Bailey next fall. According to Bailey, he organized the class in order “to open up a mature, academic dialogue about uncommon sexual practices that weren’t touched on in my Human Sexuality class. Specifically, uncommon sexual practices so blood-curdlingly unnatural they make Two Girls One Cup look like a Disney movie.”

A wide array of topics, chosen by Bailey, will be addressed in the seminar. In an attempt to “ease students into talking about [the obscene] with a milder topic,” Bailey intends to introduce the class to the obscene with more family friendly material. “I haven’t finalized the syllabus yet, but I figure I’ll start out with something I’d consider tame, like viewings of porn/snuff flicks based on the works of H.P. Lovecraft.” Said Bailey, “I doubt anyone is going to be offended by a tentacled spider demon sodomizing the Pope with a crucifix while devouring an entire orphanage.”  

According to Bailey, later topics would include “sex toys that make a fucksaw look like something a four-year old built with Lincoln logs,” a “really, really, interesting trip to the zoo,” and there would be no final. Instead, students who complete the class without gouging out their eyes or being reduced to sitting alone in a dark room while rocking back and forth and muttering to themselves would be given an A.

As of press time, the class had already filled two waitlists.

EVANSTON – Resident sexual deviance advocate J. Michael Bailey was very proud of the student body for touching itself all last week.

“Really, I am just so proud that the students of Northwestern could focus a week of their school year on something that I have held so close to my heart for my entire life. It’s a wonder to hear about the young people learning and trying new things, like experimenting with flavored lubricants, studded collars and low-voltage tasers.”

But it wasn’t all climaxes and happy endings at the conclusion of Northwestern’s annual Sex Week. Well, it sort of was, but there’s also a scandal: local health clinics reportedly ran out of morning-after pills much faster than they expected. Due to impending lawsuits, one clinic employee agreed to speak with The Flipside on the condition of anonymity.

“We were completely out of stock by Wednesday. After that, my boss decided to have us sell placebos instead.”

Naturally, the entire campus has broken into chaos as girls everywhere are discovering that they’re eating for two.

Sex Week committee executives have publicly asked why pregnancies have spiked across campus when the week was full of demonstrations and events that promoted safe sex and gave condoms away for free.

“I mean, I thought the point of sex week was just to have a lot of sex,” Communication Studies sophomore Naomi Watson said. “I didn’t even know a sex club existed on campus. Does having sex automatically make me a member?”

She refused to comment on the fact that her name is “I moan” spelled backwards.

Polls show that many girls like Watson ignored the free demonstrations and dove right into bed, skipping the safe-sex education and the condoms. Now, organizers of Sex Week have declared the rest of April to be known as Abortion Month. Due to an overwhelming demand for the procedure, Sheil Catholic Center has been indefinitely turned into a planned-parenthood clinic.

In other news, campus LGBT groups have reported record growth in membership the past several days as men and women are turning to their own genders to avoid crippling fears of pregnancy.

BRUSSELS – Belgium has faced a political deadlock that has been going on for eight months. In a flash of ingenuity, Belgian Senator Marleen Temmerman called for a sex strike imposed by the wives of the politicians until agreements start getting reached.  At first there was confusion as to whether this pertained to all forms of sex (including oral, anal, and nasal), but upon clarifying that it includes everything up to a quickie handy, the men decided to finally take action.  The senators have all unanimously agreed that losing their primary source of coitus means that they have a right to find mistresses, instead.

Flipside was able to speak to Senator Hansel Brigmiester.  [The following has been translated into English]  ”If our women refuse to satisfy us in our quest to create the longest and least important governmental deadlock in history, then we have no choice but to turn to our mistresses.  We believe that our wives have crossed a line.  Clearly, the only reason we have wives is sex.  We couldn’t possibly give a care about the companionship, tax write offs, ability to start a family, or even just having someone to hold at night.”

As a result of the strike, women all across the world have discovered that they, too, can withhold sex from their spouses or boyfriends.  Beth Harper (class 2012) spole with the Flipside: “My boyfriend Mike wasn’t going to to see Burlesque with me, so I went on a sex strike.  He saw it with me the next day. Thanks, Ms. Temmerman; you’re an inspiration to us all.”

Ms. Temmerman has just announced that if the sex strike fails to force the Belgium senators out of deadlock, the women are prepared to stop making sandwiches for their husbands as well.

The Flipside thanks Kyle Ward for pointing out a grammatical error.

EVANSTON—Yesterday at approximately 9:23 p.m., senior statistics major Josh Sylvan declared in a verbal report that he in all likelihood fucked your girlfriend.

“I’m a little worried about my power because I was pretty drunk,” Sylvan said. “I would really feel bad for you if I made a type two error.”

The stated confidence interval is hand job< μ<three rounds of hot action on your desk, bed, and shower, respectively.

“These things are tricky,” admits Sylvan. “You have to be wary of over-generalization, false reports, and the boyfriend trying to beat the living shit out of you.”

“I think the probability of that happening is pretty low, however,” he adds.

There is hope for peace of mind, as there is a five percent chance it didn’t happen. Sylvan promised to take more random samples by going out to dinner with your girlfriend and seeing where the night takes them.

EVANSTON—According to at least one Northwestern student, what you say is no longer what you mean. On a modern college campus, its seems that anything one says — no matter the topic, will be taken to be sexual in nature. Any statement, sentence, or phrase is assumed, at least by the more perverted members of the student body, to be referring to the act of making love and private parts. Thankfully, some students are just not going to take it anymore.

“Honestly, it’s getting a bit hard to swallow,” says Mary LeCoumb about innuendo overuse. LeCoumb, a Medill freshman, is responsible for a new campus-wide movement against the wordplay. “Students here do it everywhere” she says,“I don’t know how much I can handle.”

LeCoumb believes that such lewd behavior is a serious problems, but she does “feel as if [she's] on top of it.” Mary is taking the approach of convincing students that their minds are better used for scholastic endeavors — “NU students have got their minds stuck the gutter, but in reality, there are so many better places to stick it, places that will feel so much more satisfying.” LeCoumb’s fledgling organization, Take Initiative Towards Seemliness! (TITS!), is currently looking for new members.

When asked to describe a school year at Northwestern, Mary replied: “Long and hard. And often wet, but inviting nevertheless” she added with a laugh, referring to the uncooperative weather. “The only way to succeed here is to really penetrate deeply, to really put it all in when it comes to academics.”

LeCoumb believes giving up innuendos is the only way for this to happen, but she realizes how difficult that will be. Even she has used an innuendo before. “Yeah, I’ve done it. My first time was rough.” she says, “but I assure you, nothing of that nature has been in my mouth since.”

Students interested in stopping innuendo overuse should contact LeCoumb, who attests that TITS! is extremely welcoming. She says “attend just one meeting, and we’ll grab you and make sure you never stop coming.”

EVANSTON—A group of Northwestern students spent their spring break learning the ins and outs of community service on Alternative Student Breaks’ first sexual tourism trip. Students who signed up for the excursion had the opportunity to perform service at all 13 of ASB’s existing sites, in such exotic locales as Missouri and Kansas.

“We wanted to be able to service as many communities as possible, so we decided to visit two sites a day. It was rigorous, but being able to interact with that many communities was definitely worth the strain,” says McCormick sophomore Charlie Jenkins.

Some of the communities that participating students serviced were the Cherokee Nation in Tahlequah, Oklahoma, the Philadelphia Veterans Multi-Service & Education Center, and a Colorado wolf sanctuary. But for Weinberg freshman Steve Johnson, the most meaningful experience was at the Wichita Children’s Home.
“It was really the children who needed my service more than anyone. Some of these children had never been serviced before, whereas most adults we met on the trip had been receiving service on a regular basis for years,” he said.

In addition to stimulating the residents, students also stimulated the local economies through their spending at fast food establishments and local pharmacies.

“I feel like we really made a difference in the lives of the needy, without having to do all that boring stuff like building affordable housing. ASB instilled in me a lifelong commitment to servicing communities across the United States,” says Medill senior Brian Hunt.

The new trip broke ASB records for enrollment, with 69 students participating in the expedition. NU President Morton Schapiro declined to comment on this momentous achievement.

EVANSTON—Several Northwestern University students said Thursday that they hold relaxed views about “sexiling,” a slang word used to describe the act of barring a roommate from entry into living quarters to ensure privacy for intimate relations.

“I think people have common sense,” said Joana Smith, Medill freshman. “Text if you’re going to bring someone home.”

In college campuses across the country, “sexiling” has become an issue. Tufts University recently created a policy outlawing students from having sex while roommates are present in the room. The policy also prohibits students from having any sexual activity that would deprive a roommate of privacy, study, or sleep time.

Some Northwestern students, however, do not think such explicit rules are essential. In an informal poll, all but two students believed that the university should avoid outlining sex guidelines.

Jenny Kline, Communication freshman said she believes sex policies are not necessary.

“It is between the roommate and the other roommate’s agreement,” she said.

Kline said she thinks that “sexiling” is not that common of an issue. “People are smart about it,” she said.

Weinberg freshman John Schwarz agreed that the university does not need to make specific policies.

“I don’t think it’s necessary, but I think the university should make roommates make agreements,” the Tampa, Fla. student said.

Ben Nichols held similar views. The Communication sophomore said he thinks that it is not up to the university to create sex rules. He said that students should recognize that sex is going to happen no matter what, so people should be aware.

“You get privacy when you want it,” Nichols said. “Making a hard and fast rule about that thing creates more conflict among roommates.”

On the other hand, Amy Samberg, Communication freshman, said she believes quite the opposite about “sexiling.”

“It does happen a lot, and if there isn’t a rule you can’t really call your roommate out,” Samberg said.

Michael Schneider, Medill sophomore, held a more moderate view. He said he believes that it is not necessary for the university to have explicit “sexile” rules, but in some cases it might be helpful.

“In general, I’m sure it’s a pretty common issue,” said Schneider. “It’s probably induced anger more than once.”

This article is completely factual. It is not satirical. April Fool’s!