TEVA PHARMACEUTICALS — New legislation will soon enable women above the age of 15 to purchase Plan B One-Step® emergency contraceptive without parental consent. This is an exciting time for Teva Pharmaceuticals shareholders, and the company is proud to announce that it has been awarded an exclusive patent for production and sale of a new once-a-day contraceptive: “Plan B for Kids.”

These chewable daily vitamins, an essential part of any balanced breakfast, deliver a clinical dosage of levonorgestrel in teenager-approved Red Bull® and Monster® Energy Drink flavors, and make a perfect companion to the abstinence-only sexual education favored by many of America’s finest schools.

Teva Pharmaceutical’s latest product shatters all previously-established paradigms by freeing parents and school systems of responsibility for teaching their children responsible safe sex practices. If caregivers are too embarrassed to say the word “sex” in front of the products of their loins, or think that pre-marital orgasms enrage God, they can either deny the problem exists (while their daughters experiment in dangerous environments to learn about sex somehow), or they can pump just one more chemical into their daughter’s daily diet instead.

Teva Pharmaceuticals projects astronomical sales.

For more information on Plan B for Kids, see Teva Pharmaceuticals’ new ad in Highlights for Children.

Teva Pharmaceuticals: Taking the “L” out of #YOLO since 1973

EVANSTON — At dining halls across campus, conversations among visiting prospective students soon transitioned from ACT scores and other colleges under consideration to the inevitable pressure to demonstrate how cool they are.

Research from the Flipside Institute of Statisticology suggests that only one in fifty students will remember someone next year that they met on admitted student day. Some incidents of actually recalling the other person’s name have been reported—both during Wildcat Days and months later. Facing these daunting odds, some prospective students have made it their mission to establish a reputation as someone who is “hot stuff” because of the amount of “actual intercourse” they have.

“I have sex all the time, but in college, I’m going to have it even more,” reported Bill Matter, an 18-year-old high school student who has never had sex. “Every night will be like prom. I’m going to use each condom at least three times.”

He went on, uneasily but with increasing confidence, to a table of other nametag clad high schoolers who had rebelliously blown off second semester by skipping one day of school and occasionally putting off homework for hours.

“I bet the girls are even better at sex at Northwestern,” Matter said. “It will be great going for one to three hours. And doing it the whole time as fast and hard as they do it in the movies—maybe faster and harder. When I finish with one girl, I’ll go across the hall and start right away with the next. I usually get a girl to orgasm three times.”

“I really like doing it reverse doggy style,” he added.

When asked by a fellow prospective student that it seems like he plans on making a lot of girls wet, Matter replied, “No, that sounds gross.”

EVANSTON — Northwestern students have been grumbling that Sex Week seems a little short this year. Students from all over campus have approached The Flipside to express their concerns about lackluster performance.

According to SESP sophomore Stephanie Morgan, “It just doesn’t seem as well-endowed as it did last year. The Great Condom Pyramid has been replaced with the Small Condom Pile.”

Weinberg senior Ralph Abernathy added, “Instead of Trojan Magnum this year, they’re giving out Trojan Slim-fit. It just feels like Sex Week is just pushing rope instead of actually putting in effort to make the seven-roper tug-of-war event a success.”

When asked to comment on their failure to come and meet expectations, Sex Week Committee member Dante Robinson said, “Because certain major donors have left us out in the cold this year, we have had to shrink to half staff. However, we know how to use the girth and resources that we have to provide Northwestern with an amazing Sex Week experience.”

Sex Week Committee chair Sydney Webber also noted, “We feel like Sex Week grows on you, even if it seems small at first glance. Sex Week is a grower, not a show-er.”

As of press time, Sex Week has hired someone to fluff and groom a few of the minor events around the edges in order to make it appear longer.

EVANSTON — The members of Theta Eta Zeta fraternity held an intervention this week for their brother, Cameron Cordell, who is suffering from a chronic sex addiction.

“Cam has the curse of being the man at everything he does, and regrettably this applies to sex,” said fraternity president Wesley Timmons. “We need to be with him in this time of need.”

The brothers called a meeting last week to sit down with Cameron, and let him know what they were thinking. “Cam,” said best friend Tony, “we think you’ve been having too much sex.”

“That’s funny,” Cam replied, “because I was gonna hold an intervention for Jacobsen for not having any sex at all.”

“ZING!” shouted Tony, before recalling the situation and sitting down apologetically.

When Cam stood up for a high five, he was solemnly shut down by the people sitting next to him, who against all desire resisted the high five along with the back around. “It’s gotten to the point where you miss events, blow us off for some cheap sluts, and we barely ever see you,” continued Tony. “Bros before hoes,” echoed a chorus of nodding Theta brothers.

Cam was forced to reevaluate his mantra of “old enough to pee, old enough for me,” and take a hard look at the last three years of his life. While he was thrilled they were acknowledging how much sex he was having, he also did not want to be the object of scorn amongst his best friends.

“It’s hard for a guy like me to constantly think about sex, always thinking with my penis and not my heart,” said Cameron to his brothers. “I know most guys don’t think that way, but unfortunately, I do.”

At press time, the brothers of Theta Eta Zeta simultaneously realized they all had symptoms very similar to Cam’s, and went to their separate rooms to address their own sex addictions.

EVANSTON – As McCormick freshman Hank Crowley tore open the first care package sent from his parents, he was surprised to find that, under the bags of candy and boxes of pastries that he had requested, lay a single, individually-wrapped Trojan condom.

When pushed for comment on whether he was expecting the rubber contraceptive to be present among his Reese’s Pieces and Blueberry Pop Tarts, Crowley said, “It was a little weird, because you think if Mom and Dad were going to put something like that in there it’d be sort of up front, but it was all, like, shoved in the bottom under all the bubble-wrap.” Crowley paused and turned the package over in his hands. “It was almost like it wasn’t supposed to be there.”

The condom, which is a Trojan Sensitivity BareSkin Lubricated Latex, was in pristine condition. Crowley’s roommate, Medill freshman Nick Buckholtz, shared, “It’s pretty hilarious, actually. I mean, I’ve seen a lot of condoms in my day, but that one Hank has is, like, a nice-ass condom.”

“Shit.” Buckholtz added, rubbing his hands together gleefully.

Sources have since confirmed that Nick Buckholtz is a huge fucking douchebag.

Adding to the mystery of the condom is the note left by Crowley’s parents. While Crowley has stated that the vast majority of the note contains “pretty run-of-the-mill” news from home, the letter concludes with, “Stay safe!” followed by a heart and a signature from both of the boys’ parents.

“Do you think that’s just a regular old ‘stay safe?’” Crowley asked, “Or is it like the other kind, you know, like . . . for that stuff?”

Crowley initially thought to place the condom safely in the top drawer of his desk, but after a moment of deliberation, began figuring out how to fit it into his wallet. “That’s what they do, right?” the flustered boy asked, looking like he had stumbled upon some alien substance or some shit like that. “Isn’t that where it’s supposed to go? Like, so you can use it for later or—or something?”

Investigators have gathered that the condom never actually found its way to Crowley’s wallet, and instead still resides in his sweaty, fidgeting hands. “It had to have been a mistake by Mom and Dad, don’t you think?” The boy paced back and forth, turning the wrapper over so he could read the label for the fifteenth time. “They—they wouldn’t expect me to be, like, using this thing. No, it fell in there by accident.” Crowley then nodded affirmatively, and tossed the contraceptive onto his desk.

Nick Buckholtz seemed to agree with his roommate. “Yeah, it was definitely not in there for real. Hank’s parents probably know that their kid’s chance of getting anywhere near some va-jay-jay is pretty much microscopic, so they definitely wouldn’t give him a jimmy. I mean, come on, look at him.”

In the days since the care package was delivered, the condom remains unused. However, three more packages have been delivered to Hank Crowley, containing canned pineapple, a massaging neck pillow, and a tube of Astroglide.

TECH LR34 – I’ve gotten a lot of emails about my last column (Volume 1, Issue 18: “What to Do When Someone Says ‘Hi’ to You on Sheridan Road”). Many of you had trouble comprehending the diagrams and problem sets. If you would like a copy of the Reverse Engineering teacher’s manual, please send me $50 via PayPal.

This week, we’re addressing your most-requested issue: the mechanics of The Bra. It may be intimidating, but don’t let your inexperience supersede any opportunity to study this phenomena in the field. Today, we’re focusing on the first step, removal.

1. Take off the female’s shirt at an angle between 150° and 210°.

2. Ask her if she is OK.

[At this point, you should be seeing some new stimuli. Please refer to the diagram for reference]

3. Search for the clasping device. It performs two functions: hooking and unhooking. Push clasp (2 cm by 1 cm) towards the back. Unhinge the clasping device.

4. Ask her if she is OK.

5. Slide the brassiere off her body, factoring in material and speed to ensure no discomfort or tension on her part.

6. Keep your protractor in your pants. Tuck it in if need be. Do not let the female know your excitement level is outside the normal bell curve.

Now what? There are a couple of different solutions, but make sure to keep these principles in mind:
• Make Eye Contact (MEC).
• Remember that your homework can wait.
• Do not complain about your homework load or that you have far more homework than everyone else in this school combined.

Next week, I will explain what a “Weinberg” is and how it works.

WASHINGTON – President Obama has stated that his views on same sex marriage are “evolving,” culminating in an interview where he announced his support for the practice. The scientific community has since been abuzz looking for theories as to why this transformation occurred.

The first main camp contains the gradual evolutionists. Evolutionary Biologist William Smith summarized this position, saying, “Obama has had a long political career and has gradually adapted to a changing environment via natural selection.”

He added, “Those who oppose gay marriage are starting to die out. They are being forced to migrate to rougher and rougher climates such as Bumblefuck, North Carolina. Supporting gay marriage is a critical adaptation for anyone who wants to survive in the liberal ecosystems north of the Mason Dixon line.”

Further evidence for this viewpoint is found in the fossil record. Dead politicians from the 1950s have been shown to have opposed gay marriage less than those of the 1920s, showing a gradual process of evolution and change.

On the other side of the debate are the creationists. They argue that Obama's views have not evolved at all and in fact were placed in him by a higher power. According to Chief Creationist Robert Pope, “His opinions were generated divinely by some sort of anti-God, or in layman's terms, Satan.”

Pope further posits that Obama has been under the influence of Satan for several years due to his Muslim faith and African birth. The creat

ionists also dismiss the fossil evidence as a hoax. They claim that there are several missing links and that one cannot talk about evolution until they are found. James Cardinal, assistant to the Chief Creationist, asked, “Where is the missing link? Where is the politician who supported marriage only for gay women, but not for gay men?”

Despite the opposing poles just mentioned, there has emerged a third position that Obama's opinions are a product of intelligent design. Advocates of this line of thinking argue that in an election year, Obama is being guided by some higher power or super intelligent campaign manager. Proponent Herman Jones argues “there may have been an evolution, but why has it unfolded in this manner and at this time? There must be some sort of supernatural activity or higher power in the form of gay campaign donors guiding this process.”

Although scientific consensus has not been reached, there is some alarm as to how rapidly Obama has changed his mind on the issue. Voter and amateur scientist Wayne King told The Flipside, “One minute his views were evolving and next he supports same sex marriage. Does this mean in a few years we'll see a candidate who supports polygamy?”

Phil Hands of the Wisconsin State Journal drew the political cartoon.

EVANSTON – In a daring move Monday night, Jessica Engel of 1835 Hinman decided to skip the theatrics for Halloween and simply go, as she puts it, as a “straight-up whore.”

While her friends decided to go as traditional sexy characters like naughty nurses and French maids or wear nonsensical sexy inanimate object costumes, like a sexy Mrs. Potato Head or a slutty pumpkin, she made the bold decision to just go as a slut.

“I figure, what’s the difference? We’re all going to do the walk of shame tomorrow, but instead of having the extra layer of humiliation of carrying a pirate hook, I’ll have the same base level of indignity as any other weekend,” Engel commented.

This decision hasn’t gone over well with other aspiring Halloween hoes.

“It just denotes a lack of class,” said Brittany Lera, who wore a hot dog vendor uniform-minidress with the words “I love wieners” printed on the backside of the skirt.

“She’s really showing a complete disregard for what this holiday is meant to be,” Ashley Brown said. Brown says her plans for the night included going as a sexy ghost (“like Casper, but with more cleavage”) and “hitting up dem bros.”

When asked what they thought of Engel’s audacious decision, Phi Psi Junior Allen Maki reported that he does not give a fuck, as long as there’s tits.

EVANSTON – Many students were shocked to hear last week that Professor J. Michael Bailey’s Human Sexuality class would not be offered next year, but the campus was in an even greater uproar after hearing that the administration had canceled sex itself for the 2011-12 academic year.

“At this point,” President Morton Schapiro explained in a press release, “we need to rethink how sex fits into the lives of our undergraduates. We’ve received complaints that sex exists at Northwestern for pure ‘shock value,’ and we want to be sure of its practical applications before we reopen it to the student body.”

Student response to this announcement has been overwhelmingly negative. “I can’t believe they cancelled sex,” lamented WCAS freshman Alyssa Sheldon. “Everyone told me that I HAD to have sex before I left Northwestern. I was going to do it next year, but I guess I’ll have to wait now.” Many students agreed with Sheldon’s frustrations, and watching unsatisfied undergrads erase sex from their day planners has become common around campus. “I understand some sex may have been a little uncalled for,” continued Sheldon, “but this seems like a really drastic decision.”

Sales of sex toys to NU students have risen dramatically. “Those young whippersnappers cleaned me out,” said Gene Piselli, the owner of “Gene’s Fucksaws and Sundries,” a sex shop in Wrigleyville. “Even if the university bans sex, it won’t stop genitalia from existing.”

In response to Northwestern’s new policy, several sex-addicted students have decided to transfer to BYU, citing the school’s “more open attitude with regards to human sexuality” as a top selling point.

The university has reported its next target will be defecation, which it says “promotes a culture of crude, scatological, and generally immature behavior not representative of the Northwestern brand.”