Eco-Conscious NU to Discontinue Lighting Sheridan Road

EVANSTON—A typical sunny January day in Evanston turned tragic when fourteen Northwestern University students were hit by three cars as they crossed Sheridan Road in front of the Arch. Fortunately, no one was killed, but the accident resulted in many injuries. Every day, NU students cross Sheridan by following the first person who decides to ignore the “Do Not Walk” sign. On this particular occasion, the leader of the pack was not capable of his duties.

Jack Smannikan, a sophomore in the School of Communication, decided to blow off some steam with a smoke after a tough week. Unfortunately, he had forgotten that Saturday was the last day to return his textbooks to Norris; he figured he wouldn’t need them for the quarter. “I put down the blunt, picked up all my books, and then did that cool slide-down-the-stair-railing thing like they do in all those high school TV shows,” Jack told us from his hospital bed. “I was still a little out of it, so I crossed Sheridan without looking both ways like my mommy told me… and that’s all I remember.”

Jack was then hit by a car and suffered a broken leg. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the only one hurt. Thirteen other Northwestern students who had been waiting to cross unwisely decided to follow Smannikan and were subsequently also hit by oncoming traffic. “Ever since I have been here, I have always waited at the side of the road until somebody crosses in front of me,” said Weinberg junior Emily Ju. “After the first person goes, everyone else who is waiting crosses with them. Why should I have to look to see if cars are coming? There were never any problems until yesterday”.

The administration is now contemplating installing a voiceover to alert students when it is okay to walk in addition to the already in place electronic sign. Alternatively, ASG has suggested the construction of a walking bridge over Sheridan Road using extra funding from the 40% profit margin attained by Norris textbook sales. Hopefully, one of the proposed measures will be taken soon, allowing NU students to cross Sheridan Road safely.

EVANSTON—Putting on and tucking in his Class of ’13 shirt, McCormick freshman Danny Gubin had a feeling it was going to be a good day. Gubin, often described as a real loser, then brushed his teeth with his electric toothbrush and flossed. Twice.

Gubin stared down at the condom given to him in his 6th grade health class, muttering to himself, “Today is going to be the day.”

After stumbling into the hallway over the “Our Little Boy Is In College” doormat his mom stitched him, Gubin smiled at Communication sophomore Maya Lev, who has over a 1000 Facebook friends.

“I told him he should take the price tag off his jeans,” reported Lev, who is looking for more community service hours.

Gubin, who has yet to make a friend on X-box Live, unlocked all 3 Kryptonite locks on his bike and then honked his bike horn at Kristen Melick, a Weinberg freshman.

“I saw that brace-faced, acne-infested buffoon on Sheridan,” Melick texted Flipside reporters. “It was disgusting.”

Gubin, who isn’t even friends with his dog, commented that Melick “looked like she just swallowed a bug, which is just ridiculous because everybody knows bugs cannot survive in the Evanston climate during October.”

“She pulled out her phone. I bet she was telling her friends about me!” said Gubin. “I’m so excited! I need friends… I almost made one once, but I then pulled out my pocket-abacus… that was a bad call.”

Turning on Noyes, Gubin waved at a girl in skanky-ass clothes. She asked him if he wanted a friend. Gubin said yes. She told him it would cost 40 dollars an hour.

“That was a good deal. I’ve never had a friend for that long. She even is willing to check out my dorm. I hope she likes my Captain Underpants posters.”