EVANSTON—David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.”

Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d meet him there,” the point guard explained, “but when I got to the room, there wasn’t so much as a Koosh hoop anywhere in sight.”

Vineyard explained that when Stephens entered the room, his gym attire and the orange ball in his hands initially confused the other attendees. However, his appearance was quickly forgotten in a chorus of “Hey!!!!” and Vineyard yelling, “SHOTS!!! FOR THIS GUY!” This seemed to delight Stephens, who then said, “Shots sounds good. I need to work on my jumper. Where are we going, exactly?”

The partygoers explained the Stephens that the party was right here, and he was about to get hammered. Stephens took offensive to this, replying, “I might be small, but no one throws down the hammer dunk on me. I’ll swat that shit away, no sweat.”

Eventually, Stephens began to lighten up, but retained his sporting personality throughout the pregame. When asked how he was doing, the point guard explained that he was just “taking it one drink at a time” and that he’ll “really need to step up at the actual party and give it his all.”

Stephens had reportedly been involved in a similar misunderstanding last week, when he wore his Sacramento Kings #4 jersey to a round of the drinking game of the same name.

EVANSTON—Scholars and community members alike today mourn the death of Willy the Wildcat, Northwestern University’s beloved mascot. Willy, actually a thirty-five pound seven year old lynx, was shot dead early yesterday afternoon when famed trapper Mathias Weatherspoon set out to prepare something for dinner. “Dad always said, an animal with spirit is a well fed animal,” remarks Weatherspoon, 27, “and a well fed animal is worth the bullet.”

According to university officials, a large cattle branding adorning its right hind leg identified the lynx. A relatively domesticated, Willy was known to venture from its home at the university library only to relieve itself and occasionally procreate. “Ah, he was a simple being,” says Martha Canning, 61, resident librarian, feline enthusiast, single lady, “and such a good listener!”

Weatherspoon alleges that the then to-be-stew leapt into his line of fire just as he prepared to shoot an opossum. It was not until later that day when the trapper brought his catch home to skin that he began to think something was amiss. “Halfway into my new long johns and two-thirds of the way into supper, I look down and, gosh darn it that this cat has an alma mater!” Said long johns were in fact completed, and plan to be put on display in NU’s thespian offices. As for the rest of the beloved animal, “I just want to say sorry to all the students out there who…who may have had some sort of stake in that beast. I apologize. I know what it’s like to lose a friend, had to put old Lou down myself after he got to foamin’ last year“ laments Weatherspoon, “But still, breakfast for a week is breakfast for a week.”

Evanston sheriff Bradley Cowherd has made no public comment as of yet. Though some community members, like Ms. Canning, feel justice has turned a blind eye. “I can’t imagine the kind of man who could murder a friend like William. And in cold blood! This depravity merely can’t go unpunished. Oh, Lord! How could he eat him?”

“Well, lynx is always best when set out to soak over night”, advises the hunter, “then prepared with a flat base of tomato and basil if you can get your hands on ‘em, carrots, parsley, minced onion and salt with just, just a dollop of honey. Don’t smother it if you can’t stand the flavor but then again, if you want it to last for multiple meals then well, you have to make the sacrifice.”