HOLLYWOOD—The CW has announced that come this fall they will air a new show called My Problems, a sitcom about a rich white girl placed in a new environment. The creator hinted at plot points including the main character meeting mostly white friends with one minority represented, one of her male friends turning out to be gay, and a tough decision between two gorgeous men.

Nicole Gottlieb, a CW spokesperson, remarked: “We at the CW felt that we didn’t have enough shows targeted at the female pre-teenage and teenage audiences about the problems of pretty white girls.” Her response to further inquiry about One Tree Hill, Gossip Girl, 90210, Melrose Place, and Life Unexpected was a curt “Those don’t count.”

The only other show that was competing for this timeslot in the CW’s line up was a show called Tribulations about the troubles of a single father raising his kids in south central Los Angeles trying to teach them about honor and life and evading his past life as a drug dealer. Gottlieb explained the choice of My Problems over Tribulations, saying that “We don’t believe that there is an audience for shows with new ideas, real emotions, themes that people can relate to, or character development.”

The projected ratings for My Problems are off the charts. Gottlieb attributes this largely to the reliability of the CW’s most reliable viewers, the doctor’s-office-waiting-room demographic.

EVANSTON—Northwestern University prides itself on its nationally acclaimed theater program. Widely recognized by students across the country, Northwestern theater prepares young artists to cope with rejection, the typical outcome of real-life performance auditions. One hopeful freshman, Jeff Sachs, is actually convinced that I was aware of and had time to attend The Taming of the Shrew, a student-organized show he worked on.

Sachs, a dazed theater major, clearly faltered in logic with that thought, failing to recognize that my attendance at his show would have been statistically impossible. This is a common mistake, it would appear.

First, consider the amount of time a college student works. Multiply that value by eight to determine the time a Northwestern student spends working. By this logic, the average NU student works 169 hours per week, or one hour more hour than the total amount of hours in one week. Next, multiply the number of performances in one quarter by two hours, the average length of a production. Given the amount of performances nightly, this time value overflows most standard calculators.

Some have sacrificed their grades in an attempt to attend all the performances. In addition, it has caused cast members from different shows to engage in intense competition. They lure audience members by whatever means necessary, even resorting to violent threats. One anonymous audience member voiced his concern: “I literally saw ten shows in one night because I have a lot of friends who are theater majors. I thought I was being a good guy, supporting the performers and everything, but apparently I wasn’t. When I woke up the next morning, someone had spray painted ‘the cast of Eclipsed knows you weren’t there’ and ‘the theatre community will make you pay, jackass’ on my door. I really am scared for my life now.”

Jeff Sachs, you silly young artist, are you serious? If there were a million hours in a week, chances are good that I still would have been unable to attend The Taming of the Shrew. Sachs is simply “dream[ing] the impossible dream” like Don Quixote did in Man of La Mancha—for the few of you that had the chance to see the NU show.