EVANSTON — Following the Met’s annual Costume Institute Gala on May 6th, Northwestern students have been experimenting with some trends of their own. While most Wildcats may not be wild enough to try out Kim’s Mrs. Doubtfire look, here are the Flipside Fashion Department’s favorite on-trend things for spring:

Spirit Jerseys

Do you like to wear over-sized clothing so no one actually knows what your size or general body type is? Are you ever tempted to throw what you know? Is one of your favorite past times taking photos on the beach at sunset? The best way to do all of these things at the exact same time is in a spirit jersey with your sorority’s letters. While there may be an extended debate over the merits of coral or azure (Quad-Delt already ordered coral ones, so back off bitches), there will be no question as to which sorority you’re in when the letters on your back are bigger than your head.

Other Colleges’ Apparel

A tried-and-true Northwestern staple is back and more fashionable than ever in the form of wearing other universities’ merch. When your president is non-enthusiastic about anything and everything, you should probably just forget about the one purple thing you own (thanks Wildcat Welcome) and school spirit all together.

Ivy League sweatshirts are the perfect way to express the fact you’re “…totally over Brown. I mean, like, they waitlisted me but whatever, right?” Ironically rocking state school gear is another way to go when you want to maintain some dignity after bombing your Orgo midterm, because you could have “totally coasted at UConn, guys.”

Kilts

Inspired by the Flipside’s favorite campus style icon, kilts are just so hot right now. Not only do they channel the Met’s theme this year “Punk: Chaos to Couture,” but kilts are also a great way to revive your inner rebel (OMG, new FOB album? Our middle school selves are just dying). Wearing a kilt also shows off your legs that haven’t seen sun since NUFB won a bowl game (Shit, that joke doesn’t work anymore. Go ‘Cats.)

Most importantly, all of these hot trends are perfect to mix-and-match with your closet staples: black Northfaces left at the Deuce, groutfits, your respective student group quarter zips, and, of course, Kinetik pullovers.

EVANSTON — Delta Delta Delta Delta Sophomore Allison Gordon did not have a Pledge Reveal night as joyous as the rest of her sorority sisters. In fact, she had been dreading the evening all week. She decided, out of respect and love, that her Pledge Daughter, freshman Rachel Solomon, was finally ready to learn that she was Pledge Adopted.

“I never thought I was going to Pledge Adopt a baby, but the circumstances called for it. Her real Pledge Mother just couldn’t handle the responsibility of having a Pledge Daughter at this time, especially since she was doing her Journalism Residency this quarter,” said Allison.

“I wanted to provide a Pledge Mom week just like any normal Pledge Family would have, but it was double the stress for me. I had to worry both about her finding out that I was her Pledge Mom and about her finding out that she was Pledge Adopted. I didn’t want her to find out from anyone but me.”

The week went by more or less according to plan, but Rachel sensed something was a little off. An Instagram gallery titled “I love my Pledge Mom!!!! <3" revealed how many more presents she got than other girls in her pledge class.

Rachel described her suspicious feelings. "At first I was just like, 'OMG I love my Pledge Mom!’ But then as the week went on I was all like, ‘Is it kinda weird that I get so many more presents than the other girls?’ But in the end I just assumed that I literally had the best Pledge Mom EVER!”

When Allison broke the news to her adopted Pledge Daughter, the two had a long, tense, and confusing conversation, causing Rachel to burst into tears.

After a few minutes alone Rachel came back out and apologized to Allison. She told her she still loved her just as much as if she was her real Pledge Mom. Allison assured Rachel that she understood and was just happy to have such a great (adopted) Pledge Daughter.

“After the other girls in my pledge class found out I was adopted they acted kind of strange towards me, but that didn’t affect my love for either of my Pledge Mothers. I’m just glad I didn’t get left out of Pledge Mom week entirely, like that bitch Pledge Orphan Stephanie.”

EVANSTON — It appears that in their perhaps overenthusiastic preparation for Big/Little Week, campus sororities have inadvertently undone preparations for Body Acceptance Week, sponsored by Northwestern Counseling and Psychological Services.

“Changing the language from mom/daughter to big/little is great for the new members, but for a lot of sororities it may have actually caused more harm than good,” said CAPS spokeswoman Deborah McCormick.

This year’s “bigs” reportedly want to feel less big. According to a study conducted by extremely bored Kellogg students, there has been 73% more crying on the sorority quad this week than the previous six, including recruitment.

CAPS representatives at a Mindful Eating workshop held at Norris on Tuesday were bombarded with a litany of questions from a group of sorority women in various stages of self-image-related duress.

“Is sending cookie baskets considered sabotage?” asked one calorie-counting little.

“If I’m so big, why do none of the family t-shirts fit her?” demanded a particularly body-conscious big.

The facilitators present said, after the workshop, that they were ill-equipped to deal with “this level of questions…or the sheer number of glitter posters.”

The Body Affirmation Stations in Sargent and Hinman on this past Tuesday and Wednesday were also overrun by sorority girls. “It seems that some of the girls tried to compensate for their poor body image by being a better pledge mom,” said CAPS employee Margaret Duncan. “Apparently one sophomore is organizing an elaborate light show on the lake fill, a performance by a One Direction tribute band, and a billboard on Sheridan just hoping to see her little post “I LOVE MY BIGGG” on Facebook.”

The girls weren’t the only ones upset this week, however; a male-centric presentation on Monday entitled “In Pursuit of Adonis: Male Body Image in Contemporary Culture” was disrupted by freshmen boys frustrated they weren’t asked to strip tease for the new Quad-Delt in their hallway.

Following Barack Obama’s State of the Union address last week, various Northwestern student groups have issued reports about the state of their own organizations. The Flipside is pleased to present the transcripts of these speeches.

Good morning, my fellow Greek students of Northwestern University. Thank you for waking up from your drunken stupor and forgetting about how much your feet hurt from five inch platform heels. After much careful analysis and plenty of water drinking, I have concluded that the state of Gone Greek Night was absolutely successful.

As the wise philosopher Macklemore once said, “We danced, we cried, we laughed, and had a really, really, really good time.” Well, my companions in values-based organizations, we succeeded. There were not one, but TWO freshmen boys passed out in the sorority foyer. The scent of roses almost drowned out the smell of beer. We grinded to more nineties songs than our six-year-old selves would have ever imagined.

In short, we achieved more values than the Panhellenic Association ever even dreamed of. We valued that Long Island iced tea like it was the nectar of the gods. We valued organized bathroom trips. We valued butchering the lyrics of classic songs in order to allude to drunken sexual activities.

This is the essence of our community. This is what makes our union so strong. We value each other, so we could count on a piggy-back ride when we could no longer stand.

So while we may have been barely clothed, or sweated through our button-downs, or taken our ties off and whipped them around in suggestive fashions, we were still valuing each other. We may or may not have sung majorly out of key, but we still smiled and nodded like you were the hottest thing we’d ever seen. We may have even suffered in our walks of shame or reveled in our strides of pride, but regardless, we are strong community, and that is what matters come Saturday morning.

May the Pantheon bless these Greek organizations, and always remember, TFTC.

EVANSTON — Freshmen girls were stunned when sorority Preview Day turned into something resembling a scene from 1984. Freshman Stephanie Feldman “had… no idea that… the USSR had infiltrated parts… of American culture,” pausing a few times to look over her shoulder for undercover sorority members. Feldman later tried to complain to her friends about the rigid and ridiculous nature of the event, but she was snatched away by mysterious women in black ski masks before her sentence could be finished.

Another freshman, Julia Stevens, a resident of PARC, was suspected of being brainwashed during the recruitment process. She reflected, “Eating barely nothing and drinking cucumber water definitely brought out the best in us, and it was a great way to show our true nature.”

Delta Delta Delta Delta members gave no slack to Avery Bradshaw, who confided in a sister that she was “always rushing to class.” Upon using the forbidden word “rush,” she was escorted out, but not before the sorority members stared her down, ominously singing their song like robots, and making sure the air she breathed was not in any way affiliated with that sorority.

Most freshman girls made it through the gauntlet of bullshit, and some were even open about their feelings toward the event. However, like Feldman, most of these girls have not been seen since.

One professor in the history department, who preferred to remain nameless, claimed, “What goes on at that event would have made Stalin jealous. Not even he could command such order and precise attention to detail.”

Unsurprisingly, all sororities so far are reporting that Preview Day was a “magnificent success,” and the girls who want to rush have publically agreed. Whether they agree or not doesn’t matter though; only the blonde girls get in.

EVANSTON — Northwestern’s Panhellenic Association made changes to the sorority recruitment process prior to Preview Day this Sunday. Delta Delta Delta Delta Chapter President Kate Denning said, “More and more girls are going Greek, and chapters are changing how they look at their future sisters. Ten years ago, even a brunette would get a bid from Quad-Delt, but now that approximately 40% of girls here are Greek, we’re raising our standards.”

Sororities are adding new elements to the rush process, such as a race to the frat quad in five-inch heels (extra points for stilettos, wedges are cheating), and not eating any cookies the entire week of recruitment. While the ability to complete these tasks were once only seen in ideal girls, these are now becoming standard qualities.

Weinberg freshman Kylie Higgins said, “I though Greek life at NU would be a little more relaxed than the sororities at Southern state schools, but it might even be more intense. I heard at one house, you have to take a hundred question written test that includes questions about group Halloween costumes, low calorie lattes, and new things to put letters on besides ear-warmers. I’ve been studying, but I don’t know if it’ll be enough.”

Quad-Delt isn’t alone in its efforts. Zeta Alpha Zeta is planning to measure blondeness (on a scale of Gwen Stefani to Jennifer Aniston) and, because of Northwestern’s academic reputation, how long it takes to complete a Harry Potter Sporcle quiz.

Chapter President Laura Paine said, “While some may think these extra measures are harsh, we’re really trying to be inclusive while getting the best from what the class of 2016 has to offer. The last thing we’re trying to do is bring affirmative action into it.”

EVANSTON – In an effort to get students to join their social club, Northwestern’s fraternities and sororities did not interact across the gender divide during rush week. Promising a better social life, fraternity members spent the week eating with a bunch of other guys, engaging in all-male sumo wrestling, and abstaining from alcohol.

Occasionally, students were granted admittance to a fraternity, resulting in a bunch of guys running outside, touching each other in close quarters, and singing songs. McCormick Freshmen John Smith was one such new member.

“It was like a mosh pit at a concert, but without all the punk-rock chicks,” Smith said. “It was awesome. One of the best moments of my life,” he added.

Sororities also spent the entire week engaging on dispassionate girl-on-girl flirting to demonstrate the desirability of their social situation. Many sisters put on skits to show how fun and attractive they are.

The Greek girls were able to show off their superior social skills gained from being in a sorority, such as the knack for learning hometowns, majors, and campus activities. By doing this in a systematic manner, according to Quad-Delt president Hannah Andreasen, sororities show freshmen they really know how to meet people naturally and make friends.

All of this culminates in a celebratory party with people of the same sex and a bunch of secret, cool rituals, the likes of which have not been seen by freshmen since day camp.
“I can’t wait until my friends at home see how cool I am,” said Smith, referring to the 80 new same-sex friends he added on Facebook.

“I even heard there is a night when we get to sing and dance with girls,” whispers Smith, wearing his new fraternity t-shirt filled with Sharpied-on inside jokes to be promptly forgotten about.

EVANSTON – As Northwestern students are welcomed back to school for the 2012 winter quarter, people are looking forward to the new crop of pledges into the Greek system. However, some NU students are participating in a new fad sweeping the nation, the Fantasy Sorority League, or FSL for short.

Based on more well-known fantasy sports, such as fantasy football or baseball, the FSL records important statistics from both the pledging side and the recruiting side of the sorority recruitment process. Some of the more prominent stats include the number of eating disorders induced, a calculated “bitchiness index,” cup size, skirt length, and tear count per hysterical outburst.

“Its just a really fun, intense game,” says FSL champion Jake DiMartin. “There’s nothing more addictive in the world. When I’m watching the girls line up outside Willard, every time I see a Freshman I drafted need to excuse herself to puke in some bushes, I think ‘Nice! 5 points!’”

Members of the Sorority system have very different opinions of the game than the players. As President of Kappa Gamma Alpha, Brenda Delome, put it, “Yea, statistics are nice, but it’s just not what the game’s about.”

When asked to comment on her franchise record of 547 judgmental stares last season, Delome commented “At the end of the day, these records and statistics are just numbers, and it can really hurt the team when they’re all you think about. All I really want to do is psychologically scar some people, and isn’t that what rushing’s all about?”

EVANSTON — After news broke of Kim Kardashian’s decision to divorce husband of 72 days Kris Humphries, picketers have overrun Northwestern’s sorority quad. Wishing to show their disapproval of the divorce, sorority girls are all coming together to attempt to form a coherent opinion about something in the news.

Sophomore Ashley Carroll of Kappa Gamma stated, “I just don’t think it’s fair that Kim is disappointing all her fans by getting a divorce. It just sets a bad example for those of us excited about marriage and true love.”

Other sorority sisters were seen making signs declaring, “DON’T GIVE UP ON LOVE KIMMY” and “YOU SAID YOU WOULDN’T DO THIS IN SEASON 3, EPISODE 7” to inspire Kardashian to work things out with Humphries.

“I have watched all 47 seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and I know that Kim would never marry someone just for money or publicity,” junior Marissa Jenkins of Tri-Sigma remarked. “Anyone who says otherwise is obviously not a real Kim fan.”

Chi Omega Delta senior Jenna Cahill stated in closing: “We would like to extend an invitation for all NU girls to join us for a Twilight movie marathon before the release of Breaking Dawn: Part 1 on November 18^th. We think this is an irreplaceable opportunity to bond with other girls over a great example of what it means to really find true love.”

EVANSTON – Anticipation turned to confused embarrassment when the sisters of the Delta Delta Delta Delta sorority realized that the ‘royals’ they had invited to their “Royal Wedding-Watch Party OMG!!!!!” event were, in fact, the Kansas City Royals, the major league baseball team.

“I was like, sooo excited when I heard we were watching the royal wedding at the house,” said Quad Delt sister Becca Silverstein, “cuz my boyfriend is from Kansas City and he’s always talking about the royals there and how great they are. I couldn’t figure out why they lived in Kansas instead of, you know, England or wherever, but I just knew that we had to invite them.”

Much to the surprise of all involved, the starting line-up of the Kansas City Royals arrived at the Quad Delt house on Friday evening. “We couldn’t understand why a bunch of sorority girls wanted us to come visit them,” explained starting pitcher Jeff Francis, “or why the girl who called our manager kept calling him ‘Your Highness,’ but it’s not like we have anything better to do. We’re playing the Twins on Friday, so hanging out at a sorority sounded a lot more productive. I might try to catch a Cubs game while I’m here.”

Mercifully, the confusion did not last long, as Quad Delta house mother Martha Jibkowski quickly determined that the baseball team’s presence was a flagrant violation of house rules.

This snafu comes in the wake of Quad Delt’s disastrous all-white charity performance of The Wiz for the NAACP board of directors.