EVANSTON—Phi Mu Alpha, Northwestern University’s premier fraternity, has recently decided to invest the majority of its funds on estrogen pills in order to attempt to fit in with their neighboring sorority sisters. Located at 626 Emerson Street, the house is situated in the middle of sorority row. Recently, the musical brothers discovered that their neighbors are, in fact, female. As a result of this shocking find, many of PMA’s residents have become overwhelmingly self-conscious and distraught because of their distinct physical builds.

President Matthew David Watras commented, “Many of the residents have been scared to leave the frat house. In fact, four of our brothers have been discovered hiding in a closet for the past week. I mean, what do you expect? We just don’t fit in here. But this is our home, and we can’t let it fall apart.”

Determined to keep the brothers’ morale and confidence afloat, Watras and other frat leaders realized that the pharmaceutical industry could save the group.

“These pills will give us the curves and figures that we’ve been longing for; but more importantly, they will help make us feel like we belong,” said Watras. “We tried padded bras at first, but the effects are disappointingly temporary.”

The PMA’s will eventually be taking a group trip to CVS in order to purchase their deserved and much-needed female hormones. As an ensemble, they plan on marching through the streets of Evanston, instruments in hand, playing Christina Aguilera’s “You are Beautiful” to signify their newfound pride and confidence. If the effects of the pills successfully manifest, the fraternity should no longer be agoraphobic. Yes, PMA might PMS because of their new investment. However, they will have finally found their place in sorority row.