EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – NFL Hall of Famer Joe Namath will not be entering the hypothetical Well-Run-Business Hall of Fame. Namath was sad to announce Sunday that his restaurant, Joe’s Bar and Grill, will be shutting its doors permanently at the end of the month. Namath attributed this decision to the fact that he “was losing money faster than [he] can throw a football. Customers would walk in, flash a coupon, and walk out with a wad of cash.”

Namath produced one of these coupons, which are littered around the store. “We’re giving 110%! 110% off everything!”

Namath, quarterback for the New York Jets from 1965-1976, turned to the food industry as a hobby following his retirement. He explained his restaurant philosophy: “I wanted to translate my outlook on sports onto my outlook of running a business. In a game, I would always give 110%, nothing less. To attract customers, I’m giving them the same 110%.”

Namath said he regrets translating his 110% vision into this permanent sale rather than into some other aspect of the restaurant, like portion sizes, food quality, or the amount of alcohol in a shot of his personal whiskey.

The grounds of Joe’s Bar and Grill have already been purchased. Jimmy Sexton, agent for many high-profile athletes, released a statement Tuesday that one of his clients will be operating a new restaurant called Tim Tebow’s Terrific Turkey Toasties.

LOS ANGELES – While on an archaeological dig in Turkey, Kobe Bryant discovered the key to David Stern’s chastity belt. “Now that we have this key at our disposal, the lockout seems like a joke,” said Los Angeles Laker Derek Fisher. “All we have to do now is find Stern’s keyhole, and we can mount better negotiations.”

Stern is still standing firmly erect with the owners on the lockout issue as of now. “Look, I understand Mr. Bryant has discovered some sort of key, but I’m not biting just yet,” said Stern through mouthfuls of gold-encrusted caviar flakes. “If the lockout belt is going to be unlatched, Mr. Bryant will need to bring something else to the table in these negotiations. We need to stop with the prenuptials and get this relationship back on track. Put a ring on this finger.” Beyonce Knowles refused to comment, despite having recorded the best video of all time on the subject.

Having made an impulse purchase of a dozen diamond rings in 2003, after meeting a 19-year old pawn dealer in Eagle County, Colorado, Bryant was well prepared for this response. “I kind of expected this reaction, but I’m not sweating. The Black Mamba always finds a way to slither into the underbrush.”

Other NBA players are not quite sold on the new negotiation tactic, now being referred to by Metta World Peace (née Ron Artest, really) as “Please the White Man.”

Recently, humility advocate LeBron James met with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, to discuss the possibility of playing an entirely new sport. “I think I’m taking my talents to South Wales,” stated the athlete. Sandy Brown, general manager of the South Wales Fencing team, was thrilled to hear the new announcement. “We couldn’t be more excited to have to Tiger Woods come play for us.”

The following afternoon, paparazzi captured an image of Delonte West passionately embracing Kutilda Woods, Tiger’s proud mother.

While no final solution has been reached between the two bickering parties, ESPN NBA Analyst Jhadi White made a poignant point about the state of the basketball union: “It’s like the Civil War. Bryant plowed the fields of ole’ David E. Lee’s untamed turf. But we don’t have a Dominatrix Court House situation yet.”

BOSTON – Major League Baseball’s investigation of the New York Yankees has finally concluded, with the official report ruling that the Bronx Bombers are still total douchebags.

This examination came at the request of the Red Sox, who would not stop bitching about their historic September collapse.  Believing that the Yanks fixed their regular-season finale against the Tampa Bay Rays, team representatives sent a formal request to commissioner Bud Selig, who was pleasantly surprised to learn that the playoffs had started.

Tensions were running high throughout all of last week. Following the Yankees/Rays game, Boston general manager Theo Epstein spoke out, bringing allegations of under-the-table dealings on the part of the New York management.

“They clearly threw the game. That was such a dick move,” Epstein remarked.

Northwestern alumnus and Yankees skipper Joe Girardi was quick to counter the accusation, explaining to reporters that he was simply honoring New York’s “proud century-old tradition of selfish assholery.”

“I wasn’t raised to fix games! It’s not in my DNA!” said Girardi. “We were a lock for the playoffs, so we stopped playing our stars. By God, when the Yankees fuck Boston over, we fuck ‘em over right,” he said.

The results of the investigation were released publicly last night.  Upon hearing that Boston planned to appeal the decision, Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez addressed the media.  “Sucks to suck!” the once-relevant infielder shouted.

When asked who should be responsible for the nightmarish end to the season, Boston second baseman Dustin Pedroia spoke to the press from a high-chair.  Pedroia said, “you’ve gotta tip your cap to those guys, this team will definitely bounce back, it is what it is,” and other annoying baseball cliches. Sources say the All-Star second baseman had been drinking since the third inning.

The investigation also exposed a shocking new development to sports fans across the country: For the first time in decades, the Baltimore Orioles have been demonstrated by field researchers to actually exist when baseball matters. In response to learning this, Orioles’ slugger Nick Markakis said, “Wait, seriously?! Who would’ve thought?”

EVANSTON – Anticipation turned to confused embarrassment when the sisters of the Delta Delta Delta Delta sorority realized that the ‘royals’ they had invited to their “Royal Wedding-Watch Party OMG!!!!!” event were, in fact, the Kansas City Royals, the major league baseball team.

“I was like, sooo excited when I heard we were watching the royal wedding at the house,” said Quad Delt sister Becca Silverstein, “cuz my boyfriend is from Kansas City and he’s always talking about the royals there and how great they are. I couldn’t figure out why they lived in Kansas instead of, you know, England or wherever, but I just knew that we had to invite them.”

Much to the surprise of all involved, the starting line-up of the Kansas City Royals arrived at the Quad Delt house on Friday evening. “We couldn’t understand why a bunch of sorority girls wanted us to come visit them,” explained starting pitcher Jeff Francis, “or why the girl who called our manager kept calling him ‘Your Highness,’ but it’s not like we have anything better to do. We’re playing the Twins on Friday, so hanging out at a sorority sounded a lot more productive. I might try to catch a Cubs game while I’m here.”

Mercifully, the confusion did not last long, as Quad Delta house mother Martha Jibkowski quickly determined that the baseball team’s presence was a flagrant violation of house rules.

This snafu comes in the wake of Quad Delt’s disastrous all-white charity performance of The Wiz for the NAACP board of directors.

CHICAGO – The Chicago Bears organization announced Tuesday that quarterback Jay Cutler would never again defeat the Green Bay Packers due to the realignment of the zodiac.

According to head coach Lovie Smith, team psychic Mademoiselle Estrelanga Strelengelthop completed her analysis of what the stars have in store for the Bears Monday evening, when the alignment of Jupiter and Sirius was conducive to productive astrologizing. The results were not good for Bears fans.

“Since we finally realized that the zodiac has become misaligned since the time of the Greeks, it was necessary to recalculate the horoscopes for our most important players,” reported Lovie.

Strelengelthop foresaw that Cutler, a former Taurus who is now an Aries, would have difficulties succeeding in important situations. She extrapolated this to mean that Cutler would choke eternally against the Bears’ archrival, the Packers.

Bears fans met this news with absolute disgust, especially with the Bears and the Packers vying in the NFC Championship on Sunday for a spot in the Superbowl. “I am absolutely disgusted,” said Ursula Loving of Wilmette. “Everyone knows that astrology is bunk anyways. My horoscope today said that I would be gravely disappointed after a minor pleasure, and that certainly isn’t going to happen. Hey, is that a twenty-dollar bill on the ground?”

The interview with Ursula was cut short when a nearby crane cable snapped, dropping a piano onto the now-late Bears fan.

However, Strelengelthop hinted that all hope is not lost for the Bears. “Brian Urlacher is now a Taurus, no longer a Gemini. I see greatness in store for him – more specifically, another ring on his fingers…a super ring…a bowl-shaped ring…no, a Super Bowl ring!”

Strelengelthop concluded, “It is hard to discover the mystery of the stars. Some Signs are more potent than others, and sometimes worldly events will affect the outcomes.”

The end of the press conference was delayed when a freak zoo escape (in which a ram mauled a bull) shut down several Chicago streets. As members of the Bears organization and reporters waited for the all-clear, Strelengelthop was heard on her cellphone, “I’d like to place a bet of $50,000 on the Packers.”