EVANSTON—You can tell a lot about a man by his wall. No, not his Facebook wall. People can create false personas and post things on their own wall; thus, making them look much more popular than they really are, not that I would know or anything…

No, I am talking about the $10,000 dorm room wall. You know it is a bad sign when a kid puts nothing on his wall. He probably has no personality. The kid’s is as empty as the girl’s volleyball stands and is as boring as Elder’s food selection.

For those not cool enough to come equipped with the Jon Belushi “College” poster or a Bob Marlee poster, salvation is around the corner at the poster sale (it is only a sale because things are being sold, not because prices are remotely reasonable). Praise Norris.

So the closet homosexual buys a nice poster of a girl’s bosom.

So the kid who has never been to first base buys a bikini poster so he shows everybody that he knows how to hit a home run.

So the girl buys a Twilight poster to try and justify her Goth related disorder.

More often than not, the posters turn out to be more interesting than the kid who bought them. That science nerd with the Star Trek ring tone has a fucking sweet poster of NASA bombing the moon. Hopefully, they kill that man living up there. I heard it is Osama Bin Laden.

The movie buff—who probably is only going to movies because he can’t find somebody to hang out with or has yet to acquaint himself with our good friend Mr. Alcohol—has a tight mafia poster. However, the only thing that kid ever stole was from an NU dining hall. Odds are the IMDB homepage kid looked incredibly suspicious as he stuffed cookies in his backpack while glancing away and whistled out of the dining hall.

I mean, come on. Everybody takes food from the dining hall. It’s like punching a baby in the face, or however that expression goes.

CHICAGO—It is clear that print media has faced hard times as of late. In an interesting revival tactic, Popular Science Magazine is attempting to counter the downturn by releasing a new sister publication entitled Unpopular Science. The format of the new magazine is similar to that of Popular Science, which features innovations from some of today’s most interesting scientific fields. Unpopular Science, however, focuses mainly on geology.

“We were really trying to broaden our demographics,” noted the president of Popular Science, James Fallton. “The people who read our original publication tend to have many friends, go out on weekends, and have had a girlfriend or boyfriend at some point in their lives. That’s not who we’re trying to attract with Unpopular Science. We want the people who stood in line for hours to see the new Star Trek movie.”

The new magazine includes very few pictures, long-winded scientific journal-type articles, detailed and complicated graphs, and small text. “I love it,” Earth and Planetary Sciences major Pat Peterson. “It goes way beyond just stalactites and stalagmites. It even includes minerals. Minerals!”

It seems that after just one issue, the unpopular crowd has responded well to Unpopular Science. Geology is just that popular.

EVANSTON—Devoted fans of the Star Trek franchise, referred to informally as Trekkies, rejoiced yesterday as JJ Abrams’ critically acclaimed Star Trek prequel hit theaters last weekend. “Finally,” said local Trekkie Stephen Geary, “we Trekkies can get the respect we deserve.” He then made a “V” sign between his middle and ring finger and added, “Live long and prosper.”

With hordes of moviegoers attending the new film, Trekkies have been able to share their knowledge of Trek trivia. “It’s great,” explained a visibly elated Geary, “I can finally talk about Star Trek with someone other than my cousin and that creepy old man who lives in the apartment below me.”

Geary was seen outside the Evanston Century Theater yesterday with a group of people explaining the truth about Captain Kirk. “His eyes in the movie were the slightly wrong shade,” he explained to the slightly interested throng, “It goes against Episode 3.13 where Spock describes them as a ‘deep brown.’” He continued to walk with the crowd for several blocks and managed to make the entire trek without being asked to shut up. “That’s a first for me,” said the jubilant Geary through a smile.

Trekkies like Geary understand that they will only be cool for another couple of days before they go back to being losers again. “I’m taking every opportunity I can,” explained Geary, “In fact, I even talked Star Trek with a girl the other day. That was a neat experience.”

Other people are not as happy about the new movie. “For three days,” ranted Trekkie Mark “Captain Picard” Williams, “all people have wanted to talk to me about is that movie. No one wants to hear a word about my action figures that could be worth a fortune one day.” Williams then continued in Klingon, “baQ qa’rol cha QeH jIH!”