ATLANTA—Rapper T.I. helped coax a suicidal man down from a hotel roof in midtown Atlanta on Wednesday, the Associated Press reported.

One correspondent on the scene was able to listen to the conversation that took place between the hip-hop star and the would-be jumper. The following is a transcript of the exchange:

T.I.: What up? What’s haapnin’???

Man: Not much. Ummmm…I’m standing on the ledge of a roof. I’m gonna jump and kill myself.

T.I.: Why you wanna go and do that?

Man: Because I hate my life. I wrote a suicide note, I’ve got it right here. Want me to read it to you??

T.I.: Uh go ‘head. Go ‘head.

(The man reads the note)

Man: That’s why. I’m sick of living a horrible life. I probably live the most miserable, awful, tragic life anyone’s ever lived.

T.I.: Hey, whatchu know about that?

Man: Me??? What do YOU know about having a bad life? You’re a famous rapper.

T.I.: Hey, I know all about that.

Man: Really? I don’t think so. I mean, I’m broke, depressed, addicted to drugs, a felon, and diabetic. And I live in downtown Atlanta. If you can even THINK of anything worse that could be on that list, I would be very impressed.

T.I.: Dead and gone.

Man: Whatever. Contrary to what you think, I would be much better off “dead and gone.” And you didn’t even sing that. It was that Timberlake guy.

It was at this point that pop singer Rihanna showed up and tried to convince the man to come down as well.

Man: Rihanna??? What the hell???

Rihanna: Just live your life.

Man: Wow. You know…I’ve never really thought about it that way before. I’m still not totally sure I want to come down though…my life sucks pretty bad…

T.I.: You can have whatever you like.

Man: Really??? Okay, I’ll be down in a sec.

After the man was escorted down from the ledge, he had a brief talk with T.I. in the lobby of the building before being taken to the hospital by Atlanta police.

When asked by the press what the most convincing part of T.I.’s appeal had been, the man replied, “You know how we talked in the lobby afterwards? He gave me like a half pound of weed. Seriously, it was a shit-ton. He’s a very convincing man.”

HOLLYWOOD—Renowned actor Christian Bale, star of the two most recent Batman films, including 2008′s mega-hit The Dark Knight, released a press statement today in which he explained his will to die so that he can win an Academy Award for Best Actor. “I’ll make it look like an accident,” Bale said in his statement, “you know, jump out a window and make it look like I fell or something. That should get the Academy’s attention.”

Bale’s co-star in The Dark Knight, Heath Ledger, died of a tragic overdose several months before the release of the film, and was posthumously awarded the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor for his role as the Joker.

“It was sad,” said Bale, “but come on. Batman ruled that movie. Who can forget lines like ‘Then you’ll LOVE me’ or ‘You all right?’ Classics!” Bale’s press conference was interrupted by a cameraman walking across the room. Bale screamed, “HEY! GET OFF THE @$#&ING SET!”

“I mean seriously,” a hoarse Bale continued after an eight minute temper tantrum directed at the cameraman, “Hasn’t anyone in the Academy seen American Psycho? My character was like the Joker, but cooler. But I guess I have to ‘die’ to get any recognition at all. Well if that’s what it takes, then I’m willing to take that step. I can do anything, I’m batman, I’m the lead actor.”

Bale said that he has other ideas of ways to get an Oscar. “If I decide not to kill myself,” Bale commented, “I’ll probably ask one of my director friends to cast me in a biopic about a gay, mentally handicapped minority who experiences strife. I’m sure the academy would love that one.”

Bale was later arrested for assault on a cameraman. Neither Bale nor the cameraman offered comment.

CHICAGO—Without a World Series title in 101 years, enough is enough. Cubs fans have forever been tantalized as America’s losers, but that may soon change. In a last hurrah approach to win it all, the Chicago Cubs have worked out a deal with Major League Baseball that would allow them to use steroids in the upcoming 2009 season. If they are unable to finish on top, even with the use of steroids, they, and their farm system, will be terminated from professional baseball.

The Cubs and MLB agreed to these terms late Sunday evening. “We found it to be a fair trade,” says Cubs GM Jim Hendry. “We’ve gone too long without winning a championship. If we can’t win the World Series with steroids, we’ll never do it, so really being kicked out of baseball doesn’t sound that bad, it will just end the misery…kind of like suicide.”

The commissioner was reluctant to sign off on the deal at first, but then remembered how steroids used to be good for baseball. “Steroids have done a lot for the game; I mean there were more homeruns, which was kickass,” explained Bud Selig in a press conference. “But then people found out about it and now they don’t like it. Also, I guess I’d like to see the Cubs win, but not even a deal with the Devil will make that happen.”

This has created uproar amongst many of the players who have been ostracized for using steroids. There are some, however, with a dissenting view. “It’s kind of like when you’re winning big in basketball,” notes Yankee’s shortstop Derek Jeter, “and you stop taking three’s and put in your bench players. There’s no real reason to shove it in their faces, which is something the Cubs have been on the wrong side of for too many years. This deal should, you know, level the playing field.”

This also adds some incentive for the players; either they win, or they’re out of work. The steroids should help, but they’re still the Cubs, so put your “It’s Gonna Happen” sign down and find a new team to root for in 2010.