NEW ORLEANS, LA — Super Bowl XLVII ended in terror when Ray Lewis transformed into a weird robot thing with laser-vision-death-Rays and wreaked havoc among the San Francisco 49ers.

In the middle of the third quarter, with the Ravens down 34-7, Lewis stood up before the snap on a third-and-long, roared loudly, and revealed his true identity, Maximus Ray. According to eye-witness reports, Lewis’s helmet melded with his body, his brace for his torn triceps turned into a laser-gun, and the middle linebacker increased to twenty times his normal size.

The one-hundred-twenty-foot behemoth then proceeded to squash the 49ers’ offense with his massive feet before picking up 49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh and biting off his head. “No, Maximus Ray, no!” yelled Ravens head coach, and Jim’s brother, John Harbaugh. “You promised me!”

However, Maximus Ray failed to notice that the ball had been snapped to 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick prior to the start of his death-stomp. Fleeing Ray’s rampage, Kaepernick sprinted for his life toward the Ravens endzone—eluding the entire Ravens defense in addition to Maximus Ray—and scored his third rushing touchdown of the day.

Maximus Ray then shot lasers out of his eyes toward Kaepernick, but the second-year quarterback took cover in the 49ers’ locker room and, taking a knee, prayed, “Please save me, Tim Tebow.”

Turning his fury toward the 49ers’ sideline, Maximus Ray used his superhuman strength and speed to slaughter the burly, padded football players like a herd of sheep surrounded by machine gunners in World-War-I-style trench warfare.

With the remaining 49ers all dead, Lewis did his famous pre-game dance and untransformed back into his human state. Lewis explained in the post-game press conference, “People have been saying I’m slower and weaker this year, that I don’t inspire the same feeling of terror in the offensive line. And they’re right. So, and I’m ashamed to admit it, I used a banned substance to become Maximus Ray.”

Coach John Harbaugh told reporters that the banned substance in question was deer-antler spray.

Ravens head coach John Harbaugh added that he was disappointed that the efforts of Maximus Ray were not able to turn Super Bowl XLVII in the team’s favor; the Ravens lost to the 49ers 40-7. Harbaugh blamed the Decepticons in a comment that made exactly as much sense as a Michael Bay plot line.

ARLINGTON, TX – Fans of football, proper vocalization, and the United States of America were astonished Sunday night when Christina Aguilera botched the National Anthem at the 45th Super Bowl.

Thinking she made an honest mistake, many viewers have ridiculed and laughed at the singer for looking like a fool with her pants on the ground in front of the entire country. However, the Federal Bureau of Investigation does not seem to be laughing.

Flipside News Network had the opportunity had the opportunity to speak with an FBI official on the condition of anonymity.

“The Bureau simply does not buy this naïve notion that Miss Aguilera messed the National Anthem up by accident.  I mean, how many Americans could be that stupid?  Really?  The only logical conclusion is that this woman is a member of a domestically-based terrorist cell, likely made up of other washed-up celebrities.”

The FBI is currently investigating a theory that Aguilera was the sacrificial lamb in a terrorist plot to blow up the Super Bowl and destroy everyone inside.  By intentionally singing the National Anthem incorrectly, she would signal her accomplices flying above in stolen Navy F-18 fighters to drop their bombs and destroy the Cowboys Stadium.  Unfortunately, nobody seemed to have taken into account that the arena’s dome was closed.  According to the theory, the accomplices, unable to guarantee full destruction of the stadium and life inside it, aborted the mission and left Aguilera behind.

The top suspects to be Aguilera’s accomplices currently include Nelly, Jessica Simpson, Aaron Carter, Jewel, Axl Rose, Kevin Federline, Ozzy Osbourne, The Backstreet Boys and Pee Wee Herman.  This terrorist group calls itself the “C-List,” and its alleged members are often seen either performing at high school dances and other small events or starring in reality shows about their lives (as they perform at high school dances and other small events).  This attack may have been an attempt to remind the general public that these former stars still exist.

Christina Aguilera managed to escape the confines of the Super Bowl and evade the custody of the authorities.  She was last seen trying to fit herself into a genie bottle.

CHICAGO—While watching the popular Fox show Glee, Abbey Ladder misinterpreted her boyfriend’s apparent disgust for the show. “I know it’s got a lot of singing in it, but it’s really not as gay as you say it is,” Abbey protested to Gary Bender, her boyfriend of one year.

It was not the show that was bothering him, but one of the promotions for postseason baseball.

“Not seeing the Cubs in the World Series always instills an unwavering anger in me. I can’t stand watching Fox at this time of the year.”

Abbey, who is always trying to comfort her boyfriend’s Chicago-sports-induced temper tantrums, insisted that everything would work out in the end. “Don’t worry, honey; I’m sure the Cubs will win the Super Bowl someday.”

Gary then proceeded to roll his eyes, blurt out a couple of curse words, and down 4 shots of vodka all in the next two minutes.

“I really don’t see what his problem is,” added Abbey. “Always pouting over something. So the Cubs haven’t won a match in 10 years. At least the Blackhawks are good this season. I hear they score a lot of touchdowns.”

“Well, I suppose it could be worse,” thought Gary while clinging to a pair of Coronas, “I could be a…oh shit, what’s worse than a Cubs fan… [incomprehensible sobbing]… nothing.”

“I really wish you spent your money better,” Abbey pleaded to Gary. “If you would just stop wasting it on booze and ‘You Gotta Believe’ posters, you could save it for important things, like clothes.”

It was later confirmed that although Gary was upset by the World Series advertisement, he does think Glee is “fucking gay as shit” and that he should hate it because he “has a Y chromosome.” He would never let his girlfriend know that he hates her favorite show because “she does give great head.”

EVANSTON—A team wearing blue uniforms and a team wearing gold uniforms played a football game last Sunday, according to SESP senior Cailey Rapp. “There was a bunch of running involved,” explained Rapp, whose boyfriend Ezra Dowd is a diehard gold team fan.

“At one point, all the men in the room started yelling,” explained Rapp, “but I didn’t see what happened because I was busy texting my girls.” The dedicated girlfriend explained that her favorite part of the experience was, “the food.” Her favorite part of the game itself was reportedly “that commercial where the baby talks about stock options. He’s so cute!”

Rapp explained that she was rooting for the gold team because they had several players who were “super hot.” This statement worried Dowd, a Weinberg senior, who lamented, “I shouldn’t have sat through Sex and the City with her. Apparently, her idea of being ‘even’ involves her sitting on my couch commenting on how chiseled Drew Brees’ abs are. You didn’t see me do that when we watched that stupid movie. I waited until I was alone to masturbate furiously.”

Rapp said she was happy to see a cameo from “that guy who’s famous for the DoubleStuf Oreo commercials” and commented that she was glad to see him venturing outside of his comfort zone.

MIAMI GARDENS, FL—Peyton Manning undoubtedly threw for 330 yards and three touchdowns on Sunday as the Colts most definitely defeated the Saints.

Reggie Wayne hauled in some catches. Dallas Clark did, too. Austin Collie also contributed.

New Orleans’ quarterback Drew Brees tried to calm the storm by passing for 289 yards on 29 of 36 attempts. Brees was sacked twice and was picked off twice in commercials comparing Katrina to Haiti.

Reggie Bush illegally pushed several players into the end zone. He also wore a 48 karat diamond earring.

We suppose The Who’s halftime performance must have made hundreds of oddly coordinated fans jump up and down in front of a guitar shaped stage. Peter Townshend, 64, made highlight reels nationwide when he forgot the answer to “Who Are You?” and responded by asking “who, who; who, who?”

Budweiser may have stolen the show with their hilarious commercial featuring animals doing human things.

Throughout the game, the ball moved up and down the field. A couple of times it got in the end zone. Others times, it went through the goal posts. On occasion, a white guy dropped the ball onto his foot, causing it to soar the other direction in the air. It was really exciting.

After the loss, New Orleans entire economy collapsed.

CHICAGO—Jack Randall, the owner of the fantasy football team named “You PLAY to WIN the Game,” dropped Minnesota Vikings RB Adrian Peterson following his nine-point performance against the 49ers last Sunday. Although Peterson leads all running backs in fantasy scoring this season, Randall said the decision was obvious given Peterson’s “unacceptable” performance on Sunday. However, according to Randall, the statistical performance was only half the reason he dropped him.

“Yeah I was extremely disappointed by Adrian’s 85 yards rushing with no touchdowns on Sunday, but what angered me the most was his demeanor on the sideline following the game,” stated Randall, “I saw him jump up and down in apparent happiness when his team won on Favre’s touchdown pass with 2 seconds left.”
“He showed me right then that he doesn’t care at all about my team. He only cares about winning the Super Bowl,” said Randall while putting air quotes around “Super Bowl.”

“I want players on my team who are dedicated purely to helping ‘You PLAY to WIN the Game,’ I don’t need any selfish teammates.” Following the dismissal of Peterson, Randall quickly picked up former Shippensburg University running back John Kuhn.

“When I saw Kuhn was still a free agent,” says Randall, “I knew this was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up. He had four more points than Adrian Peterson last week. I didn’t even think twice.”

Kuhn, who ranks 5th on his team in rushing yards, earned thirteen points last week thanks to a TD reception and a one yard touchdown run that brought his rushing total this season to one yard. Randall says that he doesn’t care that Peterson is leading the NFL in rushing this season, saying that he “live[s] in the present.”
“All I care about is winning right now,” snapped Randall. “Everybody knows that 13 points is greater than 9 points. Maybe if that kid [referring to Peterson] would score a touchdown every now and then, I wouldn’t have to drop him.”

Randall admits that he doesn’t really know that much about Kuhn, saying, “I’m not really sure who he plays for, I think it’s either the Rams, or the Packers, or maybe the Jets? All I care about is those 13 points he racked up last week.”

He continued by saying, “I wonder how you pronounce that last name.”

As for Peterson, he says that while he enjoyed his time on “You PLAY to WIN the Game,” he is looking forward to getting to play on a winning team.