WASHINGTON – The Crunchwrap Supreme Court announced Tuesday their verdict in UBFA v. Kellogg, affirming the death sentence for Barry Kellogg issued by the 11th Court of Applepeels. The verdict did not come as a surprise after a photograph of the defendant surfaced that provided nearly insurmountable evidence of the defendant’s guilt.

Ruth Bader Ginsburger, who wrote the majority opinion, summarized the photograph: “Kellogg is standing with one of the victims, Trixie Leporis. Both are smiling; the defendant has evidently seduced her like the rest of his victims. Kellogg’s left hand is gripping a silver spoon, the weapon used to kill all of his victims.”

Barry Kellogg and the United Breakfast Foods Alliance each issued statements following the Crunchwrap Supreme Court’s judgment. Mr. Kellogg’s spokesman said, “We are extraordinarily disappointed with this outcome. As we explained in our oral arguments, Mr. Kellogg was simply trying to help Ms. Leporis through some troubled times with financial support. He was planning to give her the silver spoon that evening so she could sell it. Before he could do this, some deranged person, who has not yet been caught, tragically murdered Ms. Leporis.”

Snap C. Pop, chairman of the UBFA, said, “Although we hesitate to rejoice at the pending death of a human being, we are pleased that breakfast cereal mascots can now sleep in peace without fearing the dreaded silver spoon of Mr. Kellogg.”

The White Toll House Cookie declined to comment on the particular case; Press Secretary Jay Carneyvore stated, “Barack Obanana has no direct power over the Crunchwrap Supreme Court, and so he cannot comment on every single ruling. The President will issue statements concerning important rulings where Congress should change the existing law to counteract or adapt to a verdict, but this is not one of those cases.”

GOP candidates, however, were not so restrained on commenting on the case. Rick Peary of Texas applauded the decision. “We need more justices willing to take a hard stand on crime, more executions of perverted cereal killers like Barry Kellogg.”

EVANSTON—Due to a dearth of athletic achievement at Northwestern, the University has decided to hang a banner in honor of retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. Justice Stevens attended Northwestern Law School before making it all the way to the Supreme Court. The banner will feature the number of cases he participated in below his last name.

One of the more famous cases he presided over was Row v. Wade, in which he ruled that women have the right to choose when to terminate the wading process and start rowing during interscholastic crew races.

Although banners are usually reserved for accomplishments on the athletic field, the University was willing to make an exception in this special case. According to President Schapiro, “We are honored to commemorate the historic achievements of Justice Stevens in his time on the court. There is a lot to be said for doing well on the court that our athletic teams could definitely take to heart. Besides, it will be a nice change of pace from those women’s lacrosse banners. They just get old after a while.”

He then added, “The way Justice Stevens was able to provide the court with doses of conservatism liberally but yet conserve his liberalism even approaching the end of his tenure was extraordinary.”

Student reaction has been relatively ambivalent to the news. Said one engineering student, “John Stevens? Is he that kid in my mathematics class?”

WASHINGTON—As John Paul Stevens has announced his decision to retire in the near future, President Obama must choose a new justice to replace him. His two current options lie in the very efficient Judge Dredd and very delicious Judge Fudge.  Judge Dredd had over twenty years of experience in 2000 AD Comics from a place called Mega-City, while Judge Fudge had experience being a judge for one “power hour” every Saturday morning on children’s television in the 1970s and has only recently resurfaced in the legal community.  Judge Dredd is a part of the Do-It-Yourself Party and Judge Fudge is a member of the Chocolate Party.  To get to know these judges a little better, I interviewed them about their stances on political issues and posted their answers below.

Enforcing the Bill of Rights
Judge Dredd: I am the law.  I have the right to arrest, try and execute on site.  I will enforce what I deem necessary. 
Judge Fudge:  I am too busy being delicious to worry about the Bill of Rights.

Abortion
Judge Dredd: This can be used to prevent criminals from being born.  Where I’m from, we have a criminal problem… and even criminals were once fetuses.
Judge Fudge:  I’m too busy being delicious to worry about abortion, but I do love the ladies.

Torture of terrorists
Judge Dredd:  I don’t need torture to get answers.  I carry seven guns on me at all times.  If terrorists don’t tell me what I want to know as soon as I walk into the building, I will make them talk.
Judge Fudge: I’m too busy being delicious to worry about terrorism.

Gun Control: 
Judge Dredd: I carry seven guns on me at all times, and they’re all enormous — none of those pansy handguns. When I see guns being used for purposes other than hunting and upholding the law, I will confiscate them and use them on the owner. 
Judge Fudge:  I’m too busy being delicious to worry about guns.

Flag Burning:
Judge Dredd:  I will personally rule on anyone who burns a flag. [cracks knuckles] 
Judge Fudge:  I am personally against flag burning, my parents were killed at a flag burning.  They melted over the fire.

Gay Marriage:
Judge Dredd:  As long as I get to enforce it, I’m okay with it.  Judge Fudge:  Why would any man want to love anybody other than a woman?  Are they not busy enough being delicious?

That’s all the time I had for questions.  Obama should make his pick by next month.