Dear NU Flipside,

Swine flu is definitely a zombie virus. How can I survive the zombie apocalypse?

Sincerely,
James Walshington

Well James, we here at The Northwestern Flipside have put many hours into the study of zombies and can say with great certainty that this so called “swine flu” is really a government ploy to cover up the reality that the dead are being reanimated as zombies. In the course of our studies, we have also devised a comprehensive survival procedure for such an event. First, it is important that that you properly protect yourself against the undead. We suggest a shotgun and perhaps a machete. Flamethrowers work nicely as well. Next, you will need a place to ride out the initial infection. Malls have been scientifically proved to be the best strongholds against zombies. We suggest that you camp out on the roof of the Old Orchard Mall and wait for the zombies to starve to death, as our intensive research has shown is inevitable. Once the danger has passed, you may proceed to repopulate the world as you see fit.

-Want to Ask The Flipside a question? Email your question to agresik@northwesternflipside.com

EVANSTON—In what marks the end of a long and prosperous era, Willie the Wildcat was put down this weekend after being diagnosed with the H1N1 virus.

Morton Schapiro, the new President of Northwestern University, presided over the funeral. He commented on the ordeal, saying, “It was tough for all of us. At first, he wouldn’t even come outside, but then we stood a cardboard cutout of a human next to the entrance of the WildCave and told Willie the young fan wanted a high five. Naturally, he rushed outside to greet his new friend. It was then that the thunderous sound of gunshots echoed through the chilled Evanston air. In the end, I think we’re all just very relieved to have kept this terrible disease contained for now.”

Shock and disbelief still reign on campus. Said freshman Alex Landsman when asked for his thoughts, “Death?! I didn’t hear that. I was just told he was working at a special circus up north with other mascots preparing a big show! No… Willie can’t be dead!”

In Willie’s honor, the first 300 fans at the next home football game will receive a free Chipotle burrito. The President’s office has yet to comment on a replacement mascot, but some sources say a one eyed, one horned, flying purple people eater could fill Willie’s post as an interim mascot.

WASHINGTON—Jack Bauer has been busy. So busy, in fact, that he finally let one slip through his fingers. A terrorist cell in affiliation with a private company in association with a terrorist group helped and then destroyed by Tony Almeda only to be re-affiliated with Tony Almeda in connection with a rogue government agent has successfully released the deadly Swine flu into the general population. Jack Bauer, anti-terrorist extraordinaire, failed to save the U.S. from what could turn into a pandemic.

The virus was released more than a week ago by a terrorist group who call themselves SWINE (Severely Witty Individuals Near Ecuador). Jack Bauer was on the case for twenty-four hours, but failed to stop the bio-weapon from being released into the atmosphere. “I did all that I could,” Jack Bauer told The Flipside. “I mean, I tortured a lot of people, broke the rules, you know, the usual. […] I guess I could have used a twenty-fifth or twenty-sixth hour, but that’s just not how it works.”

Mr. Bauer will pay for his actions. “This time,” noted President Obama, “when we indict him, he’ll actually go to jail. There’s no get out of jail free card in my administration.”

As for the Swine Flu itself, there is no telling what could happen. “We may have let this virus get out,” added Bauer, “but we can still fight it.” He urges everyone to wear medical facemasks. “Go online to buy your official 24 facemask today. I may have failed to stop the threat, but I’m still going to profit off of this.”